joke thread

[Former User]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

[Former User]

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper

[anna_66]

Those were good Niina, expecially the last one!

LOL, Anna, I liked that

[Cookiebaker]

In the mid-1930's there was a poor family named Dunn living in Ireland. The famine was very bad and they were just barely having enough to sustain. The cold & dark winter was coming and they only saw one way to make a go of it. That was to send the oldest lad to America, land of the free & home to the brave. The Mother, of course, was devastated.
"Aw me lad, you will take care? Here take this warm vest and blanket if you should get cold. And here is the last 5 potatoes, take them for your long journey. And you will write to your poor old mother, won't ye? Let us know how you do be faring?"
"yes, yes, mother, to be sure!"
So the lad starts on his long journey first by foot and then by boat. Many weeks later they arrive in New York Harbor. He takes off looking for work and after a letter or two, forgets about his poor family back in Ireland.

Many months later, a neighbor of the poor family is also ready to leave for America to find his fortune. So Mrs. Dunn went over to say goodbye and send some good luck wishes. And she says to him,
"You are going to America just like my oldest lad. Would you do me a favor?"
"Of course, ma'am."
"When you go to America, find Connecticut. And in Connecticut, find a wee white house, and you tell my boy to write to his mother."
"Yes, Yes I will remember"

So this lad takes the long trek to America, and eventually lands in New York. He's amazed by the masses of people, the filth, and after a while finds a bus. He climbs on board and says,
"I want to go to Connecticut"
"Very well", said the bus driver
They go a few blocks, and the lad runs to the front of the bus.
"Are we in Connecticut yet?"
"No, no. I will tell you when we get to Connecticut."
He does this two more times. Finally the bus driver tells him to sit down & shut up or he will get thrown off the bus. So he sits down & contents himself with looking out the window.

After a couple of hours, he sees the sign that says "Welcome to Connecticut". He runs to the front of the bus and says "let me off, let me off! We're in Connecticut!"
The bus driver replies, "yes but where in Connecticut would you like to go, New Haven?"
"No, no, right here!"
So the bus driver lets him off, unloads his suitcases and leaves him in the middle of nowhere.

So the lad starts walking. After a little while he comes to a gas station. He goes up to the owner of the gas station and says
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the wee white house is?"
The owner gives him a strange look, and says "around the back of the building".
So he runs to the back of the building and sure enough there was a wee white house. He pounds on the door.
"Just a minute! Just a minute!"
After a moment a man comes to the door, zipping up his pants. Breathless, the young man says, "Are you Dunn?"
"Y-y-y-yes" he stuttered.
"Then write to your mother!"

[anna_66]

LOL


Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman was driving back to his car, he saw the other two professors on the floor in the back seat...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 166."

[Logan]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[ChrisH]

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

[ellensy]

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone

[FloppsyLadySally54]

Lol guys keep it up!!!

[Randi]

Getting a Job at the Zoo!

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him
into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.

So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws
larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires
of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the next
cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.

Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the
lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Randi that was a good one.

[AmberLee]

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."


I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10

Home is where the house is.
--Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15

* * * * * * *
{Apparently I have a very sick mind. I chortled and snorted through this like nobody's business! ...imagine HOW serene...}

[krazyaboutkatz]

Good one AmberLee.

[Tanya&Fritz]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."