joke thread

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone! Too funny.

[anna_66]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith on Hwy#1...
he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Well, we thank you very much for the tip-off call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left shaking their heads.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

[lovemymaltese]

Words that should exist . . .


ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[lovemymaltese]

How Much Is That Barbie In the Window?
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mail and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager

"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

[lovemymaltese]

The hearing aid joke is absolutely hilarious, I just loved it. LOL! Thanks so much for sharing, brought a great smile to my face.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL This is too funny. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
...PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet...

I didn't realize how blase I'd become about dressing/personal hygiene in front of my cats until my young niece visited last time. She was in the bathroom and called me in a panic to remove the cats so that she could function there: they were staring at her and it was freaking her out! Poor darling -- it does take a bit of a leap at first.

>^o_o^< <-- woo-hoo! staring cat!!

[anna_66]

This is a good one

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[ellensy]

LOL!!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Anna BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture.

[ChrisH]

Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

[anna_66]

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
LOL Anna BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture.

Thanks! I just love Halloween!

[Cookiebaker]

Originally posted by anna_66
This is a good one

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

I've heard an ending to that story...it goes like this..

The young man sputtered, "but she's not my mother"
The clerk says "You DID call her your mother didn't you" to which the young man says "umm yes but no but nothing!" before leaving the line and dashing out of the store. He runs out into the parking lot where the lady is just about to pull out. He yanks open the door, shouting at the poor old lady. Everybody in the parking lot started to stare in horror as he starts pulling the lady out of the car. He's pulling her arms...her legs...harder and harder he pull on her leg...just like I'm pulling on yours!

[Former User]

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

[Former User]

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.