joke thread

[lynnestankard]

amber - rotfl !!!!

lynne

[Pam]

Got this in an e-mail tonight.

The Mood Ring ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[lovemymaltese]

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box for a house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So the man asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. The man waited a few minutes and,
desperate for a response, he asked the centipede again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more. The man decided to ask the centipede one more time, this time pressing his face against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" Finally, came a little voice from inside the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[delidog]

Dead Rabbit



A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves
to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the little rabbit jumps right in front
of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of
the rabbit.



Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that
he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of a road and
pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks
him what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"
he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She
runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit.



The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw
at the two of them and hops off down
the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
this again and again and again, until
he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over
to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around so
the man can read the label. It says:



(Are you ready for this?)







(Are you sure?)



























(This is bad!)



























(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line.)































(You know you're gonna be sorry.)































(Last chance.)























(OK, here it is.)




















It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to
dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[lovemymaltese]

A baboon walks into a bar, and orders a milkshake. The bartender stops cleaning the counter, and stares.

The baboon repeats the order and hands him a ten dollar bill, so the bartender slyly hands the baboon his milkshake.

While the baboon drank his milkshake, the bartender was thinking, "What would a baboon know of money?" So, when the baboon finished, the bartender handed the baboon one dollar change, thinking the baboon wouldn't know better, and pass this by.

So as to make small talk, the bartender said, "We don't get many baboons in here...", to which the baboon said, "Well, at nine dollars a milkshake, it's not surprising!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

[lovemymaltese]

I just got to read the mood ring one, what a riot. Ha!

[anna_66]

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

[Former User]

AmberLee, that's a good one!

[Former User]

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.

Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???

WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

[Former User]

An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

[Former User]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[Former User]

Application to joinna MAFFIA
============================

Whatza Yu Name_____________________ Are Yu Italia or A Foreigner __________
Whatza Yu Hows Numbero_____________ Onna What Streete______________________
Whatza Yu Bagst Hittaman___________ Lonna Collectoor_______________________
Prostitutti________________________

Whatta Yu Doin Wher Yu Now Wurkka_______________ Anything Onna Side______
Wazzauy Evva Inna Beeg Hows________ Iffa so, For Wad Were Yu Nailed________
Shotta Somwan_____ Keednap Somwan_____ Stickem Uppa_____

Yu Wanna Be A Bigga Shotz Sumdaze____ Yu Wanna Stay Inna Banks_______________
Yu Likka Garlic____ Pizza____ Spagetti____ Girls____
Yu No How To Makka Cement Shoes____ Overcoats___ People Disappeer_______
What Kinda Car Yu Drive: Caddy____ Buik____ Linken____ Stolen____
Did Yu See: "The Godfather"____ Da Movie Or Da Reel Tinga____
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We gonna vote on yu application. If yu don pass, boy yu betta forgett da
application. Yu pass, yu gonna get dese thins and yu gonna lik em:

1 Pair dark glasses 1 blach shirt anna white tie
1 Paie cement shuz (Use later, yy foola round) 1 Pair pointie toe shoes
1 8x10 foto Frank Sinatra 1 blach hat wit a wida brim
1 kiss onna moutha (I kissa onna cheeck later if yu foola round)

Doan call us. We gonna calla yu if yu passa da tests. Givva tree names peeple
whata gonna say "Heesa okay":
1.________________ 2.___________________ 3._________________

Sine yu name an two aliases: ________________________________________________

----------------- DONA WRITE NUTTIN BELOW DISSA LINE -----------------------

Family Action:
Okay, givva him/her a try___________ Letta him/her go wit a warning________
Letta him/her go wit a brokken arm___________ Hitta him/her_________________

______________________ __________________________
Okay By Da Boss Okay By Da Bigga Boss

[delidog]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL