joke thread

[popcornbird]

Wow.......I just noticed that I made this thread 1 1/2 year ago...........18 long months ago..........and its still up on the first page. Wonder how long it will stay up! I was a total newbie when I made it.............had been here for less than 2 weeks! LOL

Tray, your jokes are great! I'm getting a good laugh out of them!

[trayi52]

I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!!


Feel free to print this out for your own personal use!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:________________________ Date of Birth:_________________
Height:_________ Weight:__________ IQ:_________ GPA:__________
Social Security #:___________ Driver's License #: Number:_______
Boy Scout Rank:_________________ Telephone:___________________
Home Address:__________________________________________ ____
City:__________________________ State:__________ Zip:___________

1. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

2. Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5. Do you have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.

6. In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?

7. In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter
mean to you?

8. In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?

10. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________

11. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father
and priest/rabbi?__________________________

12. Please fill in the blanks:

a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
wounded would be my ____________________________


b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
be my_____________________________

c. A woman's place is in the ____________________________


d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
______________________________

e. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is______________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave
premises--keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

13. What do you want to be if you grow up?



I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment,
torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.

Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in
writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't
call me, I'll call you.

[CatDad]

Originally posted by trayi52
I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!!

That is great, I would have loved to have been there when you gave it to them.

[G.P.girl]

lol you have really good jokes trayi! i don't know any so i'll just stick to reading yuors!

[AvaJoy]

I'm so glad this joke thread is still going strong after so long! Great idea, Popcornbird!

Super additions, trayi52 . . .

A man strolling through the woods comes across another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly against the bark. He inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You've got to be kiddin' me!"

"No, I'm not . . . why not give it a try?"

So the curious guy wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up to the bark. The other man quickly handcuffs his wrists, steals his watch, wallet, car keys and strips him naked before leaving.

A few hours pass, when another nature lover comes upon the handcuffed victim. "What the hell happened to you?" asks the hiker.

The handcuffed man proceeds to tell him the whole story, after which the man shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain't your day."

[AvaJoy]

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan

I will make you beg for mercy . . . beg me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

THE FLU


{Just a reminder to get your flu shots, all!}

[trayi52]

AvaJoy,
Those were great, I love jokes!!! I am a sucker for them.

tray

[trayi52]

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

Everyone say it with me...

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I
am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program
in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old.
He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT
ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-
mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.


12. And finally, I will not let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend.


Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

[captain]

Trayi - I loved the application form ........ gonna print that out!

AND

The 12 rules of forwarding! Soooooo true, just wish some of my friends knew that already!!!

[trayi52]

Captain, I made several of my daughters boy friends fill that form out. I rejected all applications, LOL. Kept telling them, wrong answers, your application is rejected. I think Lins boy friends hated me for that. Lin just laughed about it. She thought it was so funny.

[trayi52]

60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[trayi52]

BABY AFTER BABY

In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think
there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down - there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no!
Don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[trayi52]

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on
fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far
away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the
machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm
pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast
to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and
still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps,
the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly,
she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out
the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going
to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear
from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE
in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my
lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What
would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am,"
he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's
the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to
relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my
backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I
figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I. Now, ladies, get those mammograms but
be prepared.

[trayi52]

QUIRKY QUOTES......
>
> These were sent to me with no credit given to who said them
> but they are really good ones!!! My apologies to the authors.....
>
> "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There
> was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
> myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise.
> I paid myself. Then I quit."
>
> "I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here,
> Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move
> at all."
>
> "I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals
> 1 mile. It's sure is hard to fold."
>
> "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
> I think I've forgotten this before."
>
> "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
> Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday,
> I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
>
> "My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made
> a couple mistakes."
>
> "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
> It was in the shape of a house."
>
> "The other day I was in a WalMart. I saw a sign that said
> "pet supplies". So I did.
> Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars,"
> but I didn't."
>
> "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what
> it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and
> I say, "I think I might have written that."
>
> "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
> thinks he can get me three to five."
>
>FRIVOLOUS FILLERS.....
>
> "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance,
> waiting to get into the bathroom."-- Bob Hope--
> ~~~~~~
> Spouse [noun]; A person who will stand by you through
> all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had
> stayed single.
> ~~~~~~
> You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
> say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
> "No, it's for company!"
> ~~~~~~
> Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
> but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
> chocolate cake.
> ~~~~~~
> Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize
> you haven't fallen asleep yet.
> ~~~~~~
> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people
> will ever have.
> ~~~~~~
> Never do card tricks for the guys you play poker with.
> ~~~~~~
> The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
> And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^** ^**^**^**^**^**^**
>

[amoore]

Funny Willie!