joke thread

[delidog]

Here are some classic questions that were actually asked of the Sydney
> Olympic Committee via their Web site.
> And some answers that we thought would be appropriate.
>
>
> 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
> so how do the plants grow? (UK)
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
> die.
>
> 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> A: Depends how much you've been drinking
>
> 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
> tracks? (Sweden)
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
>
> 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>
> 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
> contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
> A: Let's not touch this one.
>
> 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
> list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
> A: What did your last slave die of?
>
> 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
> (USA)
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
> not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
> Cross. Come naked.
>
> 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
> A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
> 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
> 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday
> night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
> 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
> A: No, WE don't stink.
>
> 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
> tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
> 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
> A: You are a British politician, right?
>
> 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
> is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
> A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>
> 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> A: Only at Christmas.
>
> 16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
> A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
>
> 17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
> round? (Germany)
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
> illegal.
>
> 18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
> Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
> good pets.
>
> 19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
> its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
> trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
> them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walki

[anna_66]

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but
he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional,
can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the
parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint
vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his
boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that
my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a
fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first one to go to him in confession."

[ChrisH]

Toilet Talk

I was driving along the interstate when I decided to stop at a comfort station.

The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi. How are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."

Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird, so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back later. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you!"

[Jessica12345]

OMG chrisH! LOL thats to funny

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him,"Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike, Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot,are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

[ChrisH]

LoL, Anna, love the garfield one!!

Chris

[anna_66]

[Pam]

Anna that looks like my bed any given morning!

[anna_66]

I thought it might look like alot of pettalkers beds

[Pam]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[anna_66]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

[ChrisH]

good one!!