joke thread

[LoudLou]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ..
it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
SALVADOR DALI: Fish
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmm - Chicken

[delidog]

Mr. Louie!!!
You sure do find some Rib Ticklers!!!!

[AmberLee]

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL....

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.

[delidog]

Go AMber lee!!!!
You do find the best funnies,don't you?!?!?

[anna_66]

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away
when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a
mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The
office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's
yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come
on his own?"

[AmberLee]

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (I can't even get anything going in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower.)

15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL AmberLee

[delidog]

Still Laughing!!!!
You are finding the Really good ones!!!

[AmberLee]

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a big ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[ellensy]

What a Blonde!

[delidog]

Blonde Laughing!!!!

[Randi]

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[anna_66]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003
Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonalds.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely
successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,
joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!

The following are this year's candidates:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering th! e
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

[anna_66]

Arkansas Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

[anna_66]

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer