joke thread

[ChrisH]

Model Dental Patient

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!

[Miss Meow]

Loved the blonde one Gini!


A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

[anna_66]

OMG Miss Meow! That was awesome

[krazyaboutkatz]

Nicole. That was great.

[AmberLee]

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

Because he's always goblin





Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

In the casketeria.




What do you call serious rocks?

Gravestones.






Why did the witch stand in front of an audience?

She had to give a screech






What is a witch with poison ivy called?

An itchy witchy.







Why wasn't the vampire working?

He was on his coffin break






Why was the zombie so grumpy?

She woke up too early in the mourning.






What does a sorceress wear?

A bewitching outfit.







Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"







What's a ghosts favorite fruit?

Booberries







Why did the black cat cross the road?

To catch up with the chicken.







When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone.

[anna_66]

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

[ChrisH]

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."

"But this is my guide dog," says the man.

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

[Nomilynn]

Church bulletin bloopers...


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre
gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[delidog]

Subject: Blonde Cowboy
> >
> > The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and
> > sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with
> > nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
> > so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
> >
> > As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks "Why in the
> > world are you dressed like this?"
> >
> > The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...
> > I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red
> > head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.
> > We go inside and she pulls off her top
> > and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did.
> >
> > Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...
> > so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
> > shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
>sexy
> > and says, "Now go to town cowboy...
> > And here I am."
> >
> > Blonde MEN do exist.
> >

[AvaJoy]

A group of school children on a class trip visiting a national park paused during their tour to watch several noisy flocks of migrating geese fly overhead. One child asked the ranger why it is that whenever they fly in V formations, one side is always shorter than the other. As the ranger pondered the question another child spoke up with the answer: Because there are less geese on that side!

[ellensy]

haha., blonde men!!!

[anna_66]

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

[Randi]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with some horrible stress. If you don't do the following
your husband will surely die." "Each morning, make him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. DON'T burden him with chores, as he
probably had a hard day. DON'T discuss your problems with him.
It will only make his stress worse. And MOST importantly, make
love with your husband several times a week and satisfy HIS every
whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think
your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor
say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.