joke thread

[AvaJoy]

This isn't the greatest joke around, but since Halloween is coming it befits the season:

Two bats were hanging out in their cave one evening.

One bat said to the other that he was really craving some blood, so he flew out of the cave in search of a victim.

About an hour later he returned, blood still dripping from his mouth. Now hungry himself, the other bat asked him where he had found all that blood, and he replied, "OK . . . you know how when you leave the cave and you see that tree on the left? Well . . . I didn't!"

[AmberLee]

The young son of a doctor is playing in his father's office with a friend while the physician is seeing patients in the examining rooms. At one point, the son opens a closet door and shows his friend an articulated skeleton.

The other boy wants to play with it, but the doctor's son tells him they can't touch it.

"My dad would be angry if anything happened to that skeleton," he says. "He's really proud of it."

"Is he?" asks the friend. "Why?"

"I don't know," the doctor's son answers. "Maybe it was his first patient."

[AmberLee]

*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?


*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!


*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.


*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.


*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?


*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.


*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.


*The buck doesn't even slow down here!


*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.


*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.


*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!


*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.


*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!


*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.


*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.


*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.


*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.


*We do precision guesswork.


*A penny saved is a government oversight.

[Nomilynn]

AmberLee those are great.. I'm going to send those to my dad he will really like them!!

[anna_66]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have
no holidays. Henny Youngman

[Nomilynn]

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's
forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Halloween story from a little town in New Mexico





This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, with
out
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very
slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of
shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying hysterically
and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same
cantina and one said to the other........

"Mira, Pedro, that's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were
pu
shing it!"


Happy Halloween!!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* KrazyaboutKats! That's GREAT!!!

[anna_66]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Miss Meow]

I hope these haven't been posted before

[krazyaboutkatz]

Those cat pics are great Nicole. I've never seen them before.

[ellensy]

cool cat pics!!!

[anna_66]

A school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lipprints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


Two voters from Palm Beach County FL were hangin' out.

One said to the ther "hey, lets go for a walk."

The other replied, "can't, I'm already chewing gum".


On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s, May I take your order?”