joke thread

[lovemymaltese]

I loved that one about observations on life, what a trip! lol

[AmberLee]

Q: What does an athiest say during sex?
A: Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!!




Q: What's 200 feet long and has six teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny.

[anna_66]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[ChrisH]

The Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"

[AmberLee]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

[AmberLee]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[anna_66]

[ellensy]

LOL

[anna_66]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!


Sound like anyone you know

[AmberLee]

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she shouts "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord! -Not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

Doesn't that brighten up your day!?

[anna_66]

SEND SOMEONE OVER QUICKLY!" THE OLD WOMAN SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE.
"TWO NAKED BIKERS ARE CLIMBING UP TOWARD MY BEDROOM WINDOW."
"THIS IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, LADY," THE VOICE REPLIED. "I'LL HAVE TO TRANSFER YOU TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT."
"NO, IT'S YOU I WANT," SHE YELLED. "THEY NEED A LONGER LADDER!"

[ChrisH]

LOL
Anna & Amberlee, those are just so funny. Thanks.

[lovemymaltese]

Garfield is my favorite thanks for sharing!