joke thread

[RockyRoad]

Ok, I got one, but no offense to the blondes!!

A red-head walks into an Adult Novelties store and says to the man behind the counter, How much for that pink blouse? The man says, $25. She buys it and leaves. A brunnette walks in and says, How much for that purple blouse? The man says, $50. She buys it and leaves. Then a blonde comes in and stares up at the shelf, Ooooh, she says, How much for that shiny-silver blouse? The man says, $100 she buys it and leaves. Later the man's business partner returns and asked how things went, his partner replies, I sold a pink blouse for $25, a purple for $50, and your Coffee Thermos for $100!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[AmberLee]

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Kitchen Signs

I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

[FloppsyLadySally54]

LoL these are too good!!

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[anna_66]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

[ellensy]

bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

[ChrisH]

LoL. Anna, that is so funny!

[lovemymaltese]

run like crazy....too funny!

[AmberLee]

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

.................................................. .....

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

.................................................. .....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

.................................................. .....
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[AmberLee]

OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

17. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[AmberLee]

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

[anna_66]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."