joke thread

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[Former User]

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

[Former User]

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone
-------------------------------------------------------

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[Former User]

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

[Former User]

[gini]

Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!

[Former User]

Originally posted by gini
Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!

You know, that's what I saw first, those funny slippers! They're great!

[ellensy]

LOL funny cartoon!

[gini]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themsleves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tell them

"The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"

"Um -- I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.......

"Liver alone, Cheese mine"

[ellensy]

It was raining heavily the day my friend Andy drove to a client's store to arrange a display. Next to the shop's entrance, he noticed a car with its driver ready to back out of the parking spot. He decided to wait so he could take her place.

After ten minutes, however, he got a little impatient and tapped on the horn. The car still didn't move, and Andy finally drove to a spot much farther away. As he slogged passed the car on his way to the store, he scowled at the driver -- and was met by the blank stare of a German Shepherd sitting in the driver's seat!!!

[lovemymaltese]

cute one!

[AmberLee]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his painting that were on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful," exclaimed the artist, "What could be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Delivering Lunch

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"