joke thread

[Former User]

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

[Ann]

Great jokes everyone!!

Originally posted by FloppsyLadySally89
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!

I always thought that "redneck" was a term for people who came from the south of the USA Could it mean both or am I completely wrong?

Originally posted by Pam
Got this tonight in an e-mail.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

OMG, if that is true then that's one of the coolest, smartests and funniest way of adopting out an animal that I've ever heard! Huge kudos to them

LOOC@lovemymaltese's three wishes story. That one was hilarious!

[anna_66]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".

The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.

You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.

[Tanya&Fritz]

You might be a redneck if...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your fourteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

8. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."

9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.

10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are; "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

18. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Pam]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
You might be a redneck if...19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

These are hysterical but this is the one that made me laugh out loud!! Great job everyone. Laughing is good for us all!

[Pam]

This really made me smile. It could very well be Bella having a chat with Tessa, our doggie next door neighbor. The human on the ground would of course be me!

[lovemymaltese]

lol, that is too funny. Thanks for sharing.

[lovemymaltese]

I Think
There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head.
They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small
print, a note says, " If you say something honest about yourself,
you will be rewarded." "And if you lie, you will vanish forever."

The brunette says, " I think have the most beautiful head of hair."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The red head says, " I think I have the most beautiful body."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The blonde says, " I think.." Poof.

[lovemymaltese]

Boring Book
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."

[lovemymaltese]

Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking
at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what
are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field."

[lovemymaltese]

No Gentleman
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're
no gentleman!"

The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL These are great.

[Former User]

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Oh my gosh! Where's my Rolex???!!!"

[Former User]

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

[Former User]

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone