joke thread

[Former User]

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
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What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

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A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?"

[Former User]

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

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NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

[Former User]

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
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A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[Former User]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

[Former User]

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.



Ok, have a nice weekend ya all!

[ellensy]

heehee, hilarious!!!

[anna_66]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[lovemymaltese]

too funny!

[ellensy]

LOL

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Great jokes everyone.

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
...

This triggered my desire to re-watch Jurassic Park again, and the follow-on question is...









Drumroll, please....















What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us Rex

[ChrisH]

Some Thoughts on Exercise

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy
me take them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you
die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[ChrisH]

Misc thoughts

1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends
be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could
have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!

11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of
the kids would you like?

13. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
climb the fence!

14. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

15. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.

[anna_66]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

[ellensy]

LOL