joke thread

[anna_66]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[anna_66]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[anna_66]

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[Former User]

[Former User]

cute big nosed cat

[Former User]

computer for us girls

[Former User]

heh heh

[Former User]

just what I needed

[Former User]

Cute!

[Former User]

ROFL!

[Former User]

awww, poor doggie

[Former User]

cute!

[Former User]

Walking up to the front door of a big farmhouse, a hobo knocked lightly on the door until the owner answered. The hobo said, "Please, sir, could I have something to eat? I haven't had a meal in days."
The well-dressed homeowner said, "I may have made a fortune supplying goods to people, but I never give away anything for nothing. However, if you go around to the back of the house, you'll fine a gallon of paint and a clean brush. Paint my porch and I'll give you a good meal."
The hobo headed off to the back of the house and a few hours later he came back to knock on the door again. The homeowner was surprised. "Finished already? That's great! Come on in and sit down, and I'll have the cook bring you a meal."

"Thank you, sir!" the hobo said. "I should tell you though, that you don't know your cars. That's not a Porch. It's a BMW."

[anna_66]

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[ellensy]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
> hearing aid. It cost
> me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
> art."
> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
> "Twelve thirty."
>
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> Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to
> get a physical. A few
> days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
> street with a gorgeous
> young lady on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to the man
> and said, "You're really
> doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just
> doing what you said,
> doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
> The doctor said, "I said 'you've got a heart
> murmur...be careful.' "
>
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> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
> his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
> warning him, "Herman, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
> way on 280 Interstate.
> Please be careful."
> "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's
> hundreds of them!"
>
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> An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home
> for dinner one evening.
> He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
> every request to his wife
> with endearing terms -- "Honey, My Love, Darling,
> Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc."
> The couple had been married almost 70 years and,
> clearly, they were still
> very much in love.
> While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned
> over and said to his host,
> "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
> you still call your
> wife those loving pet names."
> The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the
> truth, " he said, "I
> forgot her name about 10 years ago."