joke thread

[Randi]

Paying for Your Taxes ...

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1999 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1999 income tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.

Sincerely,
Robbed Everyear

[Randi]

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny Randi.

[Former User]

[Pam]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Randi
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

Gee, that wouldn't be OUR Marius, beloved kitty of Wolflady, sibling of Scooter, and handsome white knight who only has eyes for Edwina!

[delidog]

Signs that your cat is hanging out with the wrong crowd: One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced. Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives". You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight or you'll never see Spot again". Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him. You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW". You find out that the lifetime supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but your cat has been selling anti-flea drugs in the neighbourhood. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

[Randi]

From the Dominican Republic Daily News:

Supernatural hen to go to court
Hoy newspaper tells the story of a Supernatural black hen that is kept at the Palacio de Justicia de Ciudad Nueva, the leading courthouse of Santo Domingo. The hen belongs to Lorenzo Rodriguez, who is accused of sexually violating three minors and of witchcraft. The hen is being kept as evidence.
Reportedly, the chicken would reveal to Rodriguez what the girls he kept captive in his Villa Consuelo shack would talk about when he was out. Two of the girls, aged 14-15 years old said that the hen would be quiet during the day (apparently listening), and then talk to her keeper at night.
When taken to the district attorney's office at the Ciudad Nueva courthouse, the hen supposedly told one employee the numbers that would come out in the lottery, and he won RD$15,000. To another, the hen gave a blessing so that he would be issued a 10-year visa to travel to the United States. The next day he was granted a visa. When these two happenings were interpreted as a confirmation of its supernatural powers, the good luck hen then became an overnight sensation.
The case will be heard today at the Cuarta Sala Penal del Distrito Nacional, and Hoy newspaper says that the judge would be questioning the hen

[anna_66]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[anna_66]

This is me today....it is so dark, gloomy and rainy today (guess I shouldn't complain, we need the rain!)

[Former User]

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."

[Aspen and Misty]

LOL that was so funny Casper and Kitty! I loved it. LOL

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone. These jokes are great.

[Former User]

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.

The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

[anna_66]

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
*************************************************
SMILE SOUTHERN STYLE
>
>
> Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who
> passed away an left his entire estate to his beloved
> widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's
> 14.
>
> How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky
> hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I
> gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies,
> "Go ahead."
>
> How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is
> married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides
> of his pickup truck.
>
> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
> drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Seems they want
> to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
>
> What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
> Documentaries.
>
> Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.
> If it were invented anywhere else, it would have
> been called a teethbrush.
>
> A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on
> I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" driver
> replied, "Bout wut?"
>
> Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
> Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million
> years.
>
> Did you hear that the governor's mansion in
> Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the
> whole trailer park. The library was a total loss,
> too. Both books - poof! - up in flames and they
> hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
>
> A new law recently passed in West Virginia. When
> a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and
> sister.
>

[anna_66]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."