Our PT joke thread

[wombat2u2004]

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science..' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet
they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're
not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going
and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

[wombat2u2004]

The Daily Tribune

OBITUARIES

EBERT WALTERS

February 2, 2010

DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER FROM WYOMING THAT, IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUNPOWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING. HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS, AND HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104.

EBERT LEFT BEHIND 12 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

[cassiesmom]

A rancher had a prize that stopped performing. The rancher when to a local veterinarian, who prescribed medication for the rancher to administer to the bull. (This was way before the existence of the "little blue pill".) The results were astonishing: the bull pursued every receptive cow he could find.

The rancher was at the feed store one day and ran into a friend. "Say, Willie, I've got a bull that can't... uhmm... er..." The friend stammered on, "Didn't your veterinarian give you something to help one of yours? What was it?"

Willie tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?" his friend asked.

"Nope," replied Willie, "but they sure did taste like chocolate..."