Am I being hypocritical?

[catnapper]

A little background:
I am still good friends with my best friend from highschool, even though she lives in Texas and I live in Pennsylvania. She's lived there since two weeks after graduation (we graduated in 1994). Its been a great friendship and has stood the test of time and distance. The internet has really helped us stay connected more than anything else.

My friend is currently going through a divorce. Her husband did something terribly stupid and she went from thinking she had the perfect marriage to saying she didn't know the man she was married to. She filed for the divorce early last summer, and it will finally be final in a week or so.

In the past year, she has started going to chat rooms and meeting all sorts of men throughout the country, and even met a few from Europe. She's apparently head over heels in love with one man from London. He's the perfect man - intelligent, handsome, witty, sensitive, successful, humble... not to mention that wonderful accent! Its all sounded too good to be true to me but I let her gush on about him, figuring it was harmless because they were so far away. I chatted with her last night and he's buying her a plane ticket so she can fly to London and meet him.

Woah... warning bells!

I said that sounds odd, why can't he meet you in Texas? She gave me a list of reasons - his work primarily. Well, what about the girls??? (she has three young daughters) and she said her mom or step mom will take them for the time she's gone.

I know someone from message boards who works for the police in England, and I asked her if I could at least have this person do an informal background check on this guy... and she said NO. I told her that she's being too blind to the risk and she said "no, he's good. I know it." Yeah, a lot of women had said that and then ended up in serous trouble. Doesn't she watch tv? All those Lifetime movies about this very thing?

Seriously though, she called me a hypocrite because I met my husband online and had no problme meeting him in public. That I had no problem revealing myself to him. Yes, but I only had an hour drive to meet him... NOT a 12 hour flight. I needed a tank of gas to get there, not a passport!

I'm feeling really uneasy about this, but she is so completely certain that he's a good guy and that I'm the one with the problem.

[Cataholic]

You are not being hypocritical. She is not being very intelligent. The thing that blows me away is that she would voluntarily leave her young children with someone else while she travels to another country to 'meet a man'. That suggests to me she has other issues- insecurity, dependency, etc., and is NOT thinking clearly.

[Karen]

Perhaps we could find someone in London who could go with her to meet this person, just in case.

I think you're just being a good friend, and being cautious. She's not taking into consideration the risk of being somewhere you're not familiar with, where you don't know who to call for help, if you're lost you're really really lost, if your passport/wallet is stolen, you'll be at more risk, etc. This is a rebound relationship for her, so she's probably just not thinking clearly, and not wanting to hear anything negative.

[catnapper]

Yes, she seems to feel as if she needs a man to proove she's desirable and that her husband was a fool to waste it all away like he did. She's recently joined a gym and lost some weight and is feeling better about her appearance, but there's something deep inside that makes her think a man = security. Never mind the fact that she makes ten times the money her soon-to-be ex husband makes and she can create all the security she'd ever need by herself.

I don't want to reveal her life story (she'd kill me if she happened to find PT and read this thread! ), but lets just say her daddy wasn't an angel when mommy was away. She is not allowed to leave her daughters alone with her dad.

In highschool she was "boy crazy" and snuck out to meet them all the time. She especially like the older guys in their 20's.

So, no, she doesn't have the best mind when it comes to men. She got lucky when she met her husband all those years ago. She wasn't even 20 when they got married and they had a good marriage. He was a whole lot older than she is. He just got mixed up into something really bad and VERY stupid. He hid it from her for at least a year, until time caught up with him.

[Samantha Puppy]

You're going to have to trust your friend and her gut feelings about these people.

In January 2002, I signed up at an internet forum my husband (then boyfriend) was a member of. I hit it off with a couple from Scotland within a few weeks - especially the girl, but her husband too. By that summer, we knew we wanted to meet but I was in no way financially able to afford a plane ticket to the UK. So what happened? She and her husband bought my plane ticket over! They opened up their house to me and in October 2002, 10 months after I first learned of their existence, I flew to Glasgow and spent two of the most wonderful weeks of my life with them.

Were my parents scared for me? Of course - I was their 24 year old "baby"! Was my boyfriend scared for me? Very much so, even though he'd "spoken" to them longer than I had. Was I scared? The biggest thing I was scared of was us not getting along "in person" like we did online. I knew they were good people, so I wasn't in fear of any danger.

Anyway, the time I spent over there was marvelous. They took me to London, they took me to Ireland, they took me to Edinburgh, they even took me to Stratford-on-Avon (Shakespeare's hometown). When Josh proposed to me in 2003, I called Theresa and asked if she would be a bridesmaid in the wedding. She and Graeme came over for 3 weeks around my wedding last year - their first visit stateside. My whole family - as well as Josh's - got to meet them and fell in love with them too. This past April (literally 2 days before finding out about Nug), she asked if we would mind if she and Graeme looked into coming over for the holidays sometime in the next couple years. Of course I said I didn't mind and the next day, she e-mailed me a flight itinerary for THIS year! They arrive Dec. 23 and leave Jan. 5 so it's probable that she will also be here to witness the birth of my first baby. They've become such an important part of my life... I can't imagine not having them in it.

SO MY POINT IS! that like I said - the only thing I was ever worried about was something being "off" in person and that my time over there would be awkward. I knew that they were good people - the same way your friend says she knows this guy is a good guy. So you're just going to have to trust her, as hard as it may be. The internet is scary because of the unknowns, but it is also a wonderful tool to bring people together from all over the world - people you never would've met otherwise... like me and Graeme and Theresa.

[slick]

Kim, I totally understand where you are coming from and as far as I'm concerned, you are being a good friend. I would feel the same way.

However, friend or not, she will ultimately make her own decision and if she choses to fly to England to meet this guy in spite of your expressed concern, then there is nothing you can do about it.

It's hard when you have a best friend who lives so far away. You want to be there to help and offer guidance but it's just not possible. All I can offer up is this. First pray that she will be safe. Second, be there to listen if things don't work out and don't judge. She needs to know that she can depend on you.

Good luck and I pray that she makes the right decision and stays home.

[kuhio98]

Dear Catnapper's friend: I can understand that you are hurting. Your ex-husband hurt you very badly and it's a totally normal reaction to want to feel pretty, desirable and wanted again. Take your time and go slowly. Check out this guy in London a little more closely. If he isn't the person he has claimed to be, your daughters will pay the price. They need a stable parent. Now more than ever. Like you, their world has been turned up-side-down. Only, they didn't have any say in the matter. Your children need you. Check this guy out. Have you caught him in any lies? Can you verify specific things he says, or does he even talk in specifics? Has he told you the name of his friends and family? The name of the place he works? etc. Can you verify all of that?

He may be the greatest guy in the world. But he could also be a very destructive person in your children's life. Before it goes any further, check him out. There is a saying, "Knowledge is power". Make your decisions from a powerful position. Not a "I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best" decision.

The difference between Catnapper's on-line experience and yours is that she didn't have children who would have to pay the ultimate price if she was wrong.

[Cataholic]

KUHIO- your post gave me goosebumps. Catnapper, your friend is nuts. Jaime- your situation was different. You weren't recently divorced, with 3 young children, after a man. Though, I do think you took a risk I wouldn't have taken.

[AmberLee]

I'm feeling warning bells over this situation, too.

It really seems too soon, too far, and too emotionally laden with her daughters in a state of pain already over the divorce.

*deep sigh* But it sounds like she's going to learn the hard way. I do hope I'm wrong on this.

[popcornbird]

Wow. I think its really weird that SHE is going all the way to London, leaving her children while she is away, to meet this man ALONE. I would be scared to DEATH to meet some guy alone, even if there weren't children in the picture.

It would be different if he were coming to see her, and that she would have family or friends present during the first meeting...just in case. I think its very normal to get to know/meet people online these days, and 'usually', you can tell if there's something fishy about a person or not...but going all the way across the globe to meet a guy? It should be him coming, and she should have someone with her when they meet. Its different for a 'guy' to make the trip...because women are more vulnerable to danger. If she met him where she lives, she could easily have people she trusts WITH her at the time. Her going all by herself...leaving her children...That just seems a bit too creepy. I know that I can usually 'feel' what type of person someone is online, and I'm quite positive I'm right in my feelings, but still...first meeting with a GUY should not be alone. It could possibly be dangerous...possibly. I hope she thinks about things before taking the step. God forbid...if anything goes wrong, she would be FAR from home...FAR. What would she do? She has children in her life. I'm not sure how a mother would have the heart to leave her kids behind, and go to meet some guy on her own, without someone close going with her. I don't think you are being a hypocrite. Things were different for you. You met in a much safer situation. Lots of people meet their spouse online. You just need to do it RIGHT...be aware and careful, and meet with family/friends present, AND, do research ahead of time...like contact his friends/family to get to know more about him. Your friend's situation seems rather upsetting.

[caseysmom]

Well the best case scenario...then fall madly in love...then what...the man lives in Europe....will she move there???

[catnapper]

Originally posted by Cataholic
Catnapper, your friend is nuts.

I think so too. I am helpless but ot sit by and watch her make a HUGE mistake.

Who knows, he might be the real deal. She HAS been talking to him since the divorce papers were filed.

Its so funny... for years and years I'd beg her to go online, so we could talk via email and possibly IM. She flat-out refused. Then a few weeks after the divorce papers were filed, I got an e-mail from her. I was excited she finally joined me online. We chatted a few times, then all of the sudden she started telling me about all these men she was meeting and flirting online with. I let it pass because I knew she was trying to feel good about herself by having these men "interested" in her.

She was relatively smart about it and only kept it to flirting, never revealing info about herself and such. But this guy, she met him about 9 months ago and she has told him her life story from the beginning... maybe because it felt safe to tell someone halfway around the world. Maybe she thought nothing would ever come of it. Who knows... but I've been cautious about this guy since day one. NOBODY is as perfect as he's portraying himself to be. He also claims to have a daughter the same age as my firend's oldest daughter... all too nice and perfect!

[smokey the elder]

I dunno...I sure wouldn't do this, but I'm pretty risk-averse.

[Corinna]

For your own peace of mind have the freind in the police check him out for you. If there is something at least you can tell her and if not you can feel that you have done what you could.
Side note here "boy crazy " could have something to do with the previous problem she needs to see a councialor. If not here behavior could be picked by here 3 daughters. I have a freind that now relizes that it caused the problems for her 5 grown daughterss. Thankfully they are all going for help.