MATH TEACHER ARRESTED
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be
a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft disclosed
that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He
is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft declared. "They seek average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft said.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has
shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs,
who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the
President asserted, adding:
"Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our
point,
and draw the line." President Bush warned,
"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything
in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of
a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft concluded,
"As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he
is
certain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as
our
hypotenoose tightens."
Ash
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lol. It does.
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