Venting

[slleipnir]

I just need to vent a little, you might want to skip this one.


I know there are so many people who have ACTUAL problems, and I'm sort of "poluting" the board. I hope I don't take away from any of you by posting this.

I posted a while ago with problems my mom and I have been having. They don't seem to be getting better. I'm at the end of the rope here, and I'm so sad and frustrated. I struggled with depression a while back as well. I never thought it was possible to feel that badly. I was very proud to say I haven't felt that badly in a long time. However, tonight I sort of got a reminder of what it felt like.

My aunt is visiting today from away. It's been a while since I last saw her, so I was excited about going to my moms to visit her. I suggested we go to a movie, then go back to my moms and play cards or just hang out and have fun. My mom said it was a good idea, and invited me over for dinner. I called her after work (she said she would pick me up as I don't have a car) to see what was going on. She said she would pick me up after they ate....So I said to her that I thought she invited me to dinner? She said she forgot, but she would pick me up after they ate and leave some for me. I was hurt because the whole point of it for me was a family dinner. (something I rarely get to have...) but I said whatever that's fine. So she calls me after they eat and says they're going to a store for a couple minutes. It's now 7:00. still no sign of her. I called her before 5:30 originally. I hadn't eatten since breakfast, and I would have eatten but she said she wouldn't be long. Wrong. So when she finally called I said nevermind, not to bother getting me. (I was just really hurt.) She said ok then, bye.

I know it's stupid I would get upset over this...but this isn't the first time she has done things like this. She ignores almost everything I say to her. It just builds up and really hurts. I just feel so incredibly down. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I'm generally happy, but it seems 90% of the time after I'm with her, I'm sad.

People tell me not to bother with her. She is my mother, I can't just say "the hell with her", I just can't. I want nothing more than for her to want to be with me and do things with me. I guess at my age I shouldn't care, but I do. She was someone I could tell everything to. She is someone I would go to for advice on boys or "girl" stuff like that. It just seems that she only sees herself.

I tried telling her tonight how I felt. I told her I feel she doesn't want to be around me and that I'm really hurting. She gets angry and says "Now why would you ever think that? I do lots of things for you!! I gave you those rolling stones tickets because I love you! I go to movies with you! I'm so tired from work that when I get a minute for myself I just want to sleep."

Geez. I'm not asking for her to run a marathon. All I want is to be able to sit down with her and TALK and have her LISTEN to me. That's it! I just want to BE WITH HER. I don't care what we do. She goes to the movies with me, but we don't get to talk. She will not do anything that involves sitting around unless she has TV/movies to watch, or if she can sleep. She says she doesn't like sitting around doing nothing, yet she is too tired to do stuff?? She said I have a problem and need to see a counsellor. I asked her why is it that only Ihave the problem? Why shouldn't she need to see one too? She said "I'm not the one with the problem"

I know I shouldn't care, but I don't know what to do anymore. My brother just ignores her, and they never do anything. Occationally she will brib him with a "free dinner", but he just doesn't care to see her. He said he got tired of how she treated him. I just can't walk away though. I've tried.

Just so you know, I do not live with my mom. I never have. I lived with my dad, brother and half sister. My dad took in my moms daughter from a different marriage and raised her like his own. Also, I never ask my mom for money or anything of the sort. She never had to pay child support either.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I have to admit I feel better getting it out of me. I just don't know what to do. It's so hard feeling that your mother doesn't really want anything to do with you...your mother who you admire and want to spend time with...your mother who used to be your best friend...

[moosmom]

Slleipnir,

You have every right to feel hurt. Afterall, she's your mother. When my father married my stepmonster, it was as if his own kids and grandkids fell off the face of the earth. The whole world revolved around Barbie and her kids and grandkids. I never got one-on-one time with my Dad, because Barbie and he went everywhere together. All I wanted was to sit down with my Dad alone and have a decent conversation without "Babs" butting in. Never happened. I finally had to sneak around. My Dad played golf everyday and then went to First & Last Tavern for lunch. He and I would meet up there and have lunch together. It was "our" time.

Have you ever told your mom that you just want to some one-on-one time with her to just hang, go shopping, get a bite to eat, etc.?? Tell her how you feel. She might very well surprize you.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Relatives have a way of doing that. I called my brother the other day to see if I could come for a visit. I should've known better. His reply was, "Well, take care of what you're going through (meaning my depression) and then we'll talk about it." I cried all the way to work. But, I should've known better. Talking to my brother is like slamming my hand in a door. If I don't talk to him, I won't get hurt. If I don't put my hand in the door, it won't get slammed and it won't hurt.

Hang in there. If you ever want to chat, PM me. I'll give you my number.

[Dorothy39]

Your present, agonizing relationship with your Mother must feel so heartbreaking.

While I'm not , in any way, a professional counsiler, I couldn't help but read into your despair ie: "I know that their are many people with ACTUAL problems.


You are SAD and FRUSTRATED!!!! You need a to feel A continuous, strong bond with your Mother. Your problem can never be compared to any one elses, It can't be minimized. iT IS YOURS, AND IT HURTS.


I'm very sorry that you missed out on that eagerly awaited dinner with your Mother and you Aunt. You have every right to feel "left out' , forgotten , ignored, overlooked etc.


To get to the point of my humble reply,

My advice would have to be, "seek counseling ", if only for yourself.

This is not just an old friend, this is your MOTHER!!!! And, you will always love her!!!

I hope and Pray that the two of you can come to terms with the remarkable bond that is still in place.

[slleipnir]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to this, Donna. I have actually told her how I feel. I told her I just want to be with her. She said "we do lots of things together! We go to the movies" All we did is go to the movies. I can't talk to her there. I see her a work. I sit and talk to her and she sometimes cuts me off mid sentence and starts to talk about something else or to someone else. She does NOT listen to one word I say. I remember once when we were fighting I had said something, and she was like well, yada yada. And I said no mom, I didn't SAY that, then repeated myself. She said well yada yada again. I had to say it litterally 7-8 times before she actually listened to what I said. Seriously. Me and my bro went to dinner with her the other night. I asked him about it and he said "She didn't hear one thing I said." So I'm not the only one. I tell her she does this, and she doesn't hear it, either.

I remember once I told her something to help her back a little (that is sore) like 5-6 times. Then my brother tells her the same thing and she tells me "oh your brother told me to do this for my back. Isn't that a great idea?" I'm like uhh, I've been telling you that for a long time...."Oh, I never heard you"

I'm thinking I'm going to quit my job this week (I work with her) I really don't want ot. I love it where I work. I love all the customers I get to know. I'll really miss them, but I need to be away from her so maybe she will appreciate me more when I am around?

[slleipnir]

Your present, agonizing relationship with your Mother must feel so heartbreaking.

While I'm not , in any way, a professional counsiler, I couldn't help but read into your despair ie: "I know that their are many people with ACTUAL problems.


You are SAD and FRUSTRATED!!!! You need a to feel A continuous, strong bond with your Mother. Your problem can never be compared to any one elses, It can't be minimized. iT IS YOURS, AND IT HURTS.


I'm very sorry that you missed out on that eagerly awaited dinner with your Mother and you Aunt. You have every right to feel "left out' , forgotten , ignored, overlooked etc.


To get to the point of my humble reply,

My advice would have to be, "seek counseling ", if only for yourself.

This is not just an old friend, this is your MOTHER!!!! And, you will always love her!!!

I hope and Pray that the two of you can come to terms with the remarkable bond that is still in place.

I don't see how a counseller can help me if my mom doesn't come to. She says it's my problem, but she is the source of it. I think it's something we both need. I have seen people before, and I don't find they helped me that much. I find it very hard to express how I'm feeling, in person, with someone I don't know.

[gini]

I am going to try to say these things just as gently as I possibly can.

You want your Mother to love you.
You want your Mother to listen to you.
You want to spend quality time with your Mother.
You want her to invite you to dinner and mean it.
You want her to remember what you say to her
and have her respond.
You want your Mother to respect you as her daughter.
You want your Mother to care about your feelings.

and again..........

You want your Mother to love you.

It does not seem as though your Mother is capable of giving you
any of the above.

You cannot will or wish or dream or wave a magic wand to make your Mother
what you want her to be.

As a result this then becomes YOUR problem. Believe me I don't mean this harshly in any way. You cannot change her or fix her so having her go to a counselor with you will not solve YOUR problem. She clearly has problems, but first she has to recognize that she DOES have problems for HER to deal with her own and you can't, no matter how hard you try, lead her to face them.

You are so deliciously young - and have your whole life ahead of you and it is urgent that you break this cycle - or it will continue for years - you constantly being hurt and trying to figure out why your Mother cannot be different and be the Mom you want. It will interfere with all other relationships you may have in the future.

Yes, it is very difficult to get counseling - why? Because it is painful to get to the depth of your feelings. But that is where the answers for you will come from. You own these feelings - and you need to be able to understand them and feel them.

For your own future well being I hope you will consider counseling because you can be provided with new ideas and ways to handle your thoughts and relationship with your Mother and be able to deal with the depression that comes after an encounter with her. This is YOUR life - not HERS and you deserve to have a healthy outlook on life and be happy.

Is it possible for you to sit down on a one to one with your Dad and ask him questions about your Mom? He just might be able to give you some insight into why she is the way she is - even a little information could be helpful to you.

I feel for you - your writings are so heartfelt - direct - and clear. I would encourage you to start a journal - and write what you feel - those thoughts that you don't share with anyone. This would be YOUR journal and in it you can say whatever you want, no matter how awful it may seem to put down on paper.

I wish you courage and you will be included in my prayers.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

OUCH! Does this hurt and bring back memories!!!

I used to always have Thanksgiving at my dad and step mom's house.
One year he called and told me he didn't want me to come. I was crushed to say the least.

On Thanksgiving day, my step mom called asking where I was. I told her dad didn't want me there. That's when I first learned he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. It still hurt though. Almost as much as when he and mom forgot my 10th birthday but remembered my brother's who's is 10 days later.

It just hurts and sucks when parents do things like that and even worse when they don't understand why it hurts us.

(((HUGS)))

[Cataholic]

Audrey,
I hope you know how very precious you are to me. I hurt that you hurt. I cannot understand parents that don't relish the time they have with their children, and especially a child your age. At a time where kids your age RUN from their parents, all you want is closeness. That hurts.

Honey, like Gini said, and she said it WAY better than I....you can't 'make' someone conform to your standards. And, your standards are appropriate. It is hers that are sadly lacking. To hear that your father took in her child from another relationship tells much.

You will do what you will do. But, I might suggest you take a deeper look at your brother's actions. To keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result is sheer madness. You say you can't...but, I know you can....you need to, at least for now, walk away from that, towards someone that can love you/appreciate you/treat you like you deserve.

Don't let this set the tone for one diasterous relationship after another. Get used to this idea: You, Audrey, deserve better.

Love,
Johanna

[slleipnir]

It hurts because I don't think she was always like that...maybe it was because I was young and didn't notice...but I think she use to be a lot nicer which is why I feel she has changed...

[dukedogsmom]

I've read this and just didn't know what to say. But I didn't want you to think I didn't care, either. I'm sorry your relationship is suffering. Do you think she would ever agree to go to counseling with you? I think you both could benefit from it and maybe it would clear the air. Seems like you both have a different definition of caring, maybe? Or maybe she doesn't want to realise how bad it's gotten and that's why she changes the conversation on you.