How do I know what the right thing to do is?

[slleipnir]

-sigh-

I wish I knew what to do, but I just don't. I don't want anyone to think I'm just randomly whining or looking for attention. I'm just so confused..

I've probably posted before with how I'm feeling lately. Anyway, the last week or so I've been feeling a lot worse (emotionally). I've spend a lot of time crying, feeling sick to my stomach, worrying, you name it. I'm VERY stressed from school. This is my first year at university. I can't seem to concentrate in class, so I have no idea what work we're doing. I usually spend computer science drawing cause I can't listen. I usually spend economics TRYING to understand what is going on. Then when I have assignments, I have no idea how to do it. I turn to my books for help but I can't even focus on reading them.

I've been having dark thoughts of hurting myself too...the other day I sware if I had something sharp in my room I would have cut myself. I know that sounds so stupid, but it hurts SO much to feel like this...Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it anymore. My dad is being extremely supportive and is trying/will try anything to make me feel better. I love him so much for helping me through this, I couldn't do it without him.

Anyway. I've been trying to decide if maybe I should drop 2 of my courses and just focus on biology for now. It would cut down on the stress...but it makes me feel like a failure if I do drop it. My 'best friend' said she thinks it's a bad idea and I'm just looking for an easy way out..I need people to be supportive and that just didn't help. I though I would be ok with dropping it till she said that...and maybe it's true..but i don't want ot be a failure. I really didn't feel ready for school this year, but I feel like it's something I need to do. I want to get a really good job and make my dad proud of me. He says he's proud anyway and doesn't care if I go to school or have a good job but I can't help but feel like I need to.

Another issue is, I paid 1600 for my courses. 3 of them. Well, actually dad paid for them...which is part of the problem. If I drop it now I only get 60% of my money back....that is still a lot of money I won't get back..-sigh- it's such a waste...he said he doesn't care about the money but I feel like maybe he's just saying that so I won't feel bad...

I'm so confused...I'm scared..I'm tired, stressed....everything. I threw up the other night cause I worry so much. I literally feel sick to my stomach for 80-90% of the day. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I feel like if I dropped the courses it would be a load of my shoulders...I don't want to give up though..

btw...I am taking medication (it might be part of the reason fo rme feeling worse...I duno) and I'm also seeing someone for help..

Sorry this is so long..you don't even need to read it..sometimes I feel like I just need to get it off my chest..it makes me feel better someimtes

[jenfer]

I am sorry that you are not feeling great. I have my blue moments too.

Ok, for your classes. If you don't understand what's going on, I think you should drop it ASAP, it's better to drop it now and not ruining your GPA, rather than *thinking* you maybe able to fix it (if you can fix it/understand your work, then of course don't drop it.), but not. That will really ruin your total GPA, once you got a bad one, it's very hard to pull your grade up again. That's from personal experience. lol. I hope it helps a bit. I'd rather do well in 1 course then having 2 tough courses you can't handle and you feel miserable and end up messing up your Biology class. Does it make any sense at all?

And pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease do NOT hurt yourself.

If you need to talk, we are here to help.

Ganbatte!

[micki76]

Audrey, I think you should drop the courses. You sound overloaded, and there’s no shame in feeling that way. I’m sure in the near future you’ll be at a better place in your life and the stress of your course load won’t seem so enormous, but right now I think you just need to give yourself a break. Cut Audrey some slack. You’re working on making your mental state better, and that’s no small task, so packing on more stress isn’t going to help at all, IMO.

And isn’t it better that you get some money back now? Sounds like you’re not getting anything from the classes, so 60% is better than goose egg, huh?

I’m so glad you’re trying some meds. Hopefully the one you’re taking now will work for you, but if not, there are TONS more to try.

[4 Dog Mother]

How long have you been on your medication? It will take time for it to kick in and sometimes the first medication is not the right medication for you. Whatever you do - don't hurt yourself. There are too many of us out here you can pm or call when you are feeling that way. PM me and I will give you my phone number and you can call anytime day or night.

From all the things you have written, I would say drop the courses. And then do not allow yourself to dwell on the money you "lost". Your mental health is worth more than any money lost. You know yourself best, trust in that. Do not let anyone put pressure on you for any reason. No one can make you feel bad or guilty - you allow them to. It is not easy to turn negative self thoughts away but you must learn to do that. Don't allow yourself to start with the should haves.

Life is tough enough. Take it easy on yourself and know that what you are feeling is not all that unusual. It sounds like you are depressed and depression is an illness that needs medication and not something you can fix yourself by ignoring the symptoms or feelings you are having.

Please pm me if you need any help at all!!! I care.

[dukedogsmom]

Since you say your dad is being very supportive with you, I think he would understand you dropping those classes. And you're not quitting, so don't feel like a failure. It would be different if you just quit going but you're not giving up. If it would be a great relief to you to drop then, do it. You're very young and will have plenty of time to go to school. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? That might be a good idea, also. I can't help you on your dark feelings because I don't know what to say. Other than we're here for you if you need us.

[catnapper]

{{{HUGS}}} If you are so miserable, call your dad and see if he'd be ok with you dropping a class or two... because if you are lost already, its only going to get more confusing fast. Then you'd have two bad grades on your official transcript instead of two dropped courses. In my opinion, its better to drop a class or two than it is to have two bad grades on your transcripts. Perhaps drop one now, and if you are still overwhelmed, then drop a second class.

My freshman year of college was VERY hard on me. Basically culture shock for me. I was sheltered and thoght life was oh so happy and perfect. Then at college, I encountered an alcoholic roomate & her sex-crazed boyfriend

I *tried* so hard. Even was on the freshman student council. I just couldn't make it... I remember feeling my worst when I sat down watching cartoon re-runs from my childhood crying and eating shoestring licorice. I decided to rough it out til the end of the first semester. It was hard, but I made it. My grades however were the worst they ever were all 4 years of college.

Can you get a tutor? My son is taking macro-economics and is also confised (I remeber feeling lost in that clas too) and has a tutor that is really helping him. Maybe the sense of being overwhelmed will go away if you understand the information.

[slleipnir]

Thanks.

Like I said, I am seeing someone for help..a therapist or whatever.

I've only just started the meds..I know they take time but it's still hard

My dad has already told me he'll support me no matter what I do. I've talked to him a lot about these courses already. He said he just wants me to feel better....

It's just so hard...

[joycenalex]

audrey, please PM me or anyone else if you feel like hurting yourself, i will get back to you asap i promise. cutting yourself WON"T relieve your pain, it'll just leave scars. i know this is true, as true as the sun rising tomorrow, and it will rise tomorrow
drop the classes, but also let your therapist know that you're having problems concentrating and could they write an appeal letter for you, maybe you can get more of the money back if that worries you, there must be provisions for medical issues. money can be replaced, it's just money, and you dear one are much more valuable then any amount of money. ((HUGS))

[NoahsMommy]

Here's what my therapist said to me that FINALLY made me realize that dropping classes (when you've overloaded yourself) doesn't make anyone a loser:

"A decision based on your health, is NEVER a bad decision and DOESN'T make you a loser."

Do what's right for you, sweetie.

[captain]

No way, are you looking for an easy way out!!!!!

Firstly, it is an extremely brave thing to realise that you are not coping, and then again to realise what you can do about it!!

It is HARD going from school to university ...... very, very hard, and I honestly feel you are doing the absolute right thing by dropping some classes. You are NOT GIVING UP!!!

You said your Dad is supporting you ..... and that is a HUGE thing.

Noah's Mummy said it best here - "A decision based on your health, is NEVER a bad decision and DOESN'T make you a loser."

Please, please let us help you through it.
Love and HUGS to you across the miles.

Michelle

[Kfamr]

Audrey....
I know exactly how you feel, especially about class.
I'm unable to concentrate in class.
If I were you, i'd drop the classes you can't handle and keep those you can.
Like someone else said, you have your whole life ahead of you. You're a very talented, generous, amusing person and a GREAT friend.


I wish I could find words to fully heal your worries and depression. I know I can't but if you EVER need to talk about anything... I'm a PM or IM away. I could even give you my phone number if you'd like, I can't say i'd talk too much but I surely can listen.

Your father sounds like her really loves and cares about you. That's somethingn to be VERY happy about. He wants you to do what will make you comfortable and safe.. so do that!
Money isn't as rich as happiness.

Sorry i'm rather alte on replying to this. When I read it I wasn't sure what to say,and i'm still not too sure. I've got to go.. the bell just rang for class.

[K9soul]

Audrey.. look at the title you chose for yourself under your user name. Perfection. I think that sums up what you expect of yourself and what is impossible to be, because no one is able to be perfect. You're very very down on yourself. When you post your creative art work, you almost always put yourself down along with posting it. I think you have the feelings I used to have a lot, and still sometimes do. It's "safer" to be down on yourself and put yourself down on things rather than feel good about it only to have someone else criticize it and put it down. It's easier to deal with hurt and disappointment if you do it to yourself first or come into the situation looking to be hurt or disappointed.

I'm sorry if this isn't making a lot of sense, it is hard to put into words. These are things I look back and see, not things I saw at the time really. I know it can be a self-perpetuating cycle. I know I would feel so down on myself and it would seem like people didn't really like me. Meanwhile people around me would pick up on my negativity and it made them uncomfortable so they withdrew from me, therefore making me feel even more alone and down on myself. If you are like me, just the thought of my friend thinking I was quitter would make it a more anguishing decision, but like others have said, there is NOTHING wrong with doing what you need to to help yourself. What other people think really doesn't matter. I still have to tell myself that sometimes too, but you know after you build up some confidence in yourself and in your convictions, people will question those convictions less and less.

I believe the urge to hurt yourself is the desire to have some outlet for the pain that is trapped inside you. A physical pain is something you could actually see and deal with, whereas the pain you are dealing with now makes you feel helpless and out of control. As hard as it may be, and I know you are trying, you must find a different outlet than this. If you give into it, you will feel so ashamed and awful afterwards that it will be even harder. Please be as strong as you can in this, and don't give in to it.

You may just have to go through the motions at first of being positive, being kinder to yourself in your thoughts and words. After awhile, you will realize you actually are starting to feel better about yourself. It will take work, a very conscious effort. Force yourself when you are showing someone some art you just did to say what you like about it, and not what you don't like about it. Do not let yourself say "well I suck at it" or things like that. It will be hard.. I wish I could tell you it was easy but it's not, but I can tell you it does GET easier, and after awhile you start going through life in a more positive way, it actually becomes habit!

I personally always found it more soothing to talk to my mother (who was also very supportive like your Dad) or my best friend than to a therapist being paid to listen to me, but if you find one you really like you might really gain a lot out of it. If you feel it isn't doing anything however, don't blame yourself. My Mom understood the most because she herself had suffered depressions before too, I found it easier to talk to someone who could really relate, and who I knew really cared for me personally. You have a lot of friends here and people who care. I would advise not to try to talk about it with the friends who might be judgemental or if you know they will make you feel worse. Focus on taking care of yourself, talk to people you know who won't judge and criticize you, but most important make it a habit to be easy on yourself, to be positive and focus on all the good things about you.

I wish there was more I could do to help you. Feel free to PM me anytime too though, even if you just would want to know about some of the things I personally went through. Sometimes it just helps knowing you aren't alone.

[DJFyrewolf36]

I know from personal experence that if courses are being too difficult, it is eaiser to drop them than it is to stick it out and get a bad grade. Im STILL trying to fix mine from my first year

Im only a PM or an IM away, don't hesitate to talk to me if you need to *Hugs* I know how hard this is, been through it a lot myself.

[lizzielou742]

First of all, I say drop the courses. Your first semester/quarter GPA is what you have to start from, and if it's too low, you will be working the rest of your time in college to try and bring it up. I know from experience. Don't feel guilty about it (easier said than done, I know) - you will live to regret it if you end up messing up your GPA for the rest of your four years in school.

PLEASE don't hurt yourself. We care about you. I agree with k9soul - find a way to let out your pain. For me, watching sad movies and letting myself cry, or working out until I could barely walk home helped.

...I know what you feel like right now. Believe me when I say it WILL get better.

PS I never listened in Computer Sciene either

[emily_the_spoiled]

Audrey, first of all you must NOT hurt yourself. If you are feeling that way there are emergency hot lines you can call, you will have a student counselling center at the university, or contact one of us.

Depending on what medication you are taking it will take awhile before you start to notice a difference. But if you have already been on it for a few weeks you should not be thinking about hurting yourself anymore. Go and see the doctor and get something else. I have tried more anti-depressants than I want to recall before I found something that works for me

After having gone back to university three times, that first semester just never gets any easier. Almost everyone has problems. From personal experience I can tell you that the combination of classes you are taking (computer science, biology, and economics) are definitely not easy individually or as a group.

It is NOT a "failure" (as your so called friend calls it) to drop a class. In fact it is a wise decision to drop a class before it causes harm to your scholastic record. I would call it smart to recognize when that is going to happen.

Remember your number one priority is your health (both physical and mental) and if that means letting go of a class or two, then fine. You can always take them again at a later date...