Been a while but I need opinions

[caseysmom]

Your husbands health needs to come first, let them know how hard it is on him to babysit a toddler all day, my husband also babysits his twin three year old granddaughters and it is a lot of work but he loves it, and its his choice my daughter never has expected it.

I remember you mentioning your husbands weight, just wanted to let you know I had weight loss surgery and its the best thing I ever did, no more high blood pressure and I feel great, I went from 270 to 143. Just something to think about for your husband it also cures diabetice in most cases.

[RICHARD]

Kim, I don't know you well enough to offer much advice - but I think what everyone else has said to this point is very good.

My thing is about Tony - the above comment of yours just jumped at me. Get the locks to your house changed. If he can get his mail, he can get other things.

Take a cardboard box and label it YOUR MAIL.

(decorate it with pics of flowers and sun-shiney things, then leave it on the porch.)

[robinh]

Unlike everyone else, I don't have a lot of good advice but will tell you that I understand your feelings. My significant other and I haven't spoken to my son, daughter-in-law and grandkids for two years as of October. We're not sure what we've done, but after a couple of attempts of trying to get them to talk to us we gave up. They only wanted to see us if they wanted to, but told us we should stop over any time. When we'd go over, the adults would leave the room and leave us with the kids or they were on their way out. We were never invited to family dinners/event; whereas her parents were. We were told at one point that we didn't grandparent the right way.....the right way? Didn't know there was a right way.

The stress of it all was just too much for me. I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety myself. If I think about it, I start crying. Therapist said to wait until I'm stronger before we do anything else.

Catnapper, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[sasvermont]

Hey, long time for me too.

I have thought about this response since reading your post late this afternoon.

I think Karen is correct in that all of you could use the expertize of a counselor or therapist to get things smoothed out. I don't think that will happen though, from the sounds of it.

I learned a while back that: 1. You do not get to pick your relatives, but you do get to pick your friends. 2. Live by your rules if you want to win at your game. 3. If you can't be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with. 4. Surround yourself with people who truly love you and want to make you happy.

I suspect your kids are royally pissed off because they are not getting their way. Their way is what your hubby set up long ago. Your kids are adults now and should not be expecting to be taken care of at this stage in their lives. They need to cut the umbilical cord. It seems as though you are trying to do that but they aren't getting the message.

G-parents always baby sit for g-children, but on the G-parents terms, not the parents' terms! Don't be taken advantage of. If they have somewhere to go and can't get a sitter, oh well. Things happen. They should find a neighborhood teenager to child sit, as back up.

None of us have the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" family. That is just on TV. We all have our struggles, its just that we don't talk about them all that often. I could tell you family stories that would curl your hair!

How about you and hubby having a b-b-q for the entire family. Ask everyone to bring a dish so all the expense etc. is not on your shoulders. Share the expense, if you will. Make it for a day/night that is good for everyone, well in advance. Keep pretending you have a great family, and who knows, they may just feel comfortable being normal and nice and considerate..... young adults.

Your G-children will be old enough someday, to come see you on their own. You may have to wait a few years for it, but sometimes that is all you get.

I feel sorry for you and just know you are not alone with this problem. Families are difficult sometimes. You have a loving, wonderful husband and not everyone has that..... so enjoy each other....keep to your rules that work for you....keep inviting them over....sharing etc. and if they don't want to play, then so be it. Their loss. You have each other.

Hugs,
SAS

[catnapper]

I spoke with Heather and her husband a bit today (who, by the way, picked up their children themselves and somehow got Ashley to drop them off )

Her husband commented on how much damage we had from the hail (HELLO?!?! Have you heard a word we said in the past 3 months?!!?!?!?) and commented on how hubby's brother-in-law (a contractor) is going to be busy fixing our place. I laughed. Apparently, WE can do things for them, but they can't do for US. So I told him that the response from B-I-L was "Have fun with that" - while he's missing out on a $30,000 insurance check to fix the damage. Their eyes bulged, and he figured that maybe B-I-L was afraid we'd try to get him to do the work for a reduced fee, which is a weird assumption since any work he's done for us has always been either fairly paid for or bartered (once I did 3 portraits including frames in return for installing a hot water heater, which he hooked up incorrectly and was sending Carbon Monoxide (or was it dioxide?) fumes into our house.) and any work he's done has been shoddy because you could tell he resented doing it out of obligation.

I guess things are little bit better. I was disappointed Heather and her husband didn't stay longer then ten minutes, but at least they talked to me instead of just swinging by, getting their kids, and running off.

Oh, and because of the storm, we got a new door, so we'll get new locks. Boy, won't that frost Tony's buns when his key no longer works?


And since its slightly related, I have to tell you a quick little story of how much a goober I am. My work got hit with hail too. They had contractors there all last week re-stucco-ing the exterior. There were (4) 5-gallon buckets of stucco stuff left over and they were going to throw it out. I asked if I could take it home and they said, "you do know its stucco, right?" Yup. "You know you need screens on the walls, then spread the stucco over it?" yup, we have that already. "You do know its 4 different colors?" so? that's what paint is for, which we already have too. So I excitedly called hubby to bring the truck over and pick up the 5 gallon buckets. Two are 90% full, the other two are 3/4 full. We saved nearly $400 because of work's leftovers!!! I was so happy, you'd have thought they gave me something amazing. I have off this week so I have a date with the trowel and multi-colored stucco. Gosh I hope it rains........

[Karen]

Glad to hear things are at least a smidge better. Keep swimming! Or stuccoing, as the case may be! Wow, the spellchecker didn't object to stuccoing - I guess it IS a real word! (but it objects to smidge!)

[emily_the_spoiled]

I am really sorry that you are having so much difficulty with family. (There are days when I am sure all of us would say our families are crazy )

You are moving in the right direction to establish an adult relationship with your children. It takes time and a lot of work on both sides to change ingrained habits.

But instead of getting expensive presents for the grandkids, maybe think about an education savings plan or bonds (that mature when the kids are of age). Then get the kids a little something for "now".

This way the grandkids will have something when it is time for them to leave home.

It is too bad that this is happening after everything you and your husband have done for your children.

[carole]

oh dear you sure have a lot on your plate, i must agree the kids are playing up because you have stood up and said NO for once, we as parents often make a rod for our own backs, out of pure love and kindness.

I do really feel for your hubby too, as i too have anxiety issues, only come on in the last few years and it is really hard to deal with, let alone all these kind of issues.

Sounds like you have done the best you can, offering the olive branch etc, i would just leave well alone for a while, i reckon they will soon come running back to the fold,but it is great you are standing your ground.

I do hope you can work things out and you can be happy as a family, thinking of you.

[catnapper]

Just a quick update.... kids are still reluctant to speak with us unless they need something. I saw Ashley for the first time today so she could use our printer (silly me thought she remembered my birthday)

Tony has started talking to hubby this week. He even came over to help tear down walls. Now of course hubby called him and offered moolah for the help. But at least he worked and worked hard and we definitely needed the help.

Heather admits she is one big hormonal disaster. Only two months to go til she has the baby. Hubby hung up on her a couple times because she was so snarly. Henever fdid that before! I felt awful earlier when her husband invited me to a shower for next tuesday .... came to find out its a small neighborhood thing which made me feel better. Who has a shower on a Tuesday? Lol.

[Karen]

Sounds like progress on several fronts! I am so glad he had the wherewithal to hang up on her when she got nasty!