As I stood there in the hot sun beside the open grave that held my precious Baby, I felt not the heat but a coldness that permeated my body. My chest felt as though a giant fist had reached in, grabbed my heart as it still beat and removed it leaving a gaping hole, taking with it all feeling except for an indescribable, debilitating pain; yet at the same time left an emptiness that I knew could never be filled.
Death had made an uninvited stop at our house; an unwelcome visitor who would not be denied no matter the love, tears, pleading or money offered in my Baby's stead. But this creature of blackness didn't come and leave quickly. No, he came, marked my sweet Boy with the touch of his cold hand and then stood back prepared to watched and gloat over the suffering of my Baby.
God how I hate this thing called death. It has you at it's mercy, of which it has none, as you can't fight it. If I could have just physically done battle with it I would have done some serious a$$ kicking. Unfortunately, death seems to hold the rule book and call the plays.
So, I lay down beside my Kodi Bear and we took a walk down memory lane starting fourteen years ago when at the age of eight weeks he came to live with me. I cried and laughed as we traveled memory's highway, savoring each event along the way. I told him again and again how much I loved him, how much I was going to miss him and that I didn't know how I was going to face each day without him. I told him that I released him to go because I didn't want him to suffer any longer and not to worry because his brothers would take care of me.......never as good a job as he did of course but he had trained them and I knew that the two of them would do the job.
Then I took him to the Vet and kicked death as hard as possible in the teeth..........because WE chose his time to leave and WE chose to end his suffering. I only wish that I could have stomped death once WE kicked him down. I held him, petted him and told him how much I loved him until he left me.
All these thoughts crossed my mind as I shoveled the dirt in on my precious Boy. Then I glanced around at the seven graves of my other beloved pets/family surrounding us and it hit me that no, my heart hadn't been torn out of my chest.............only eight pieces; and each of those eight pieces were well deserved by the owners for the joy, laughter, companionship and unconditional love that they had given me.
As for death, he can claim no victory for every one of my Babies will live "forever" in my heart and my mind and death can't even stop that by taking me because once I've left this world we'll all be together again. So, Rest In Peace my sweet Kodi Bear and wait for Mommy.
"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened."
Anatole France
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