opinions wanted family issue

[caseysmom]

he certainly sounds like he has control issues, i would ignore him, it is not fair of him to have an instant dislike for the little boy, very immature of him.

I think you know deep in your heart where you allies lie and you will indeed do the right thing, for you and the little boy.

My husband is saying we should just ignore him, I will do my best not to invite them anymore...problem is I will hold it in then blow up at him...

[carole]

you know on second thoughts ,i think maybe you should approach him and have it out with him, maybe that is what is needed and he will stop, he might not even be aware that you feel or think this way, it may well be that it needs to be pointed out to him, and he might get a reality check and realise what he is actually doing, i am glad the little boy seems to be unware of it,i hope it stays that way, as it certainly is not good for him, he sounds like he is being picked on by your BIL and for no real reason what so ever, good luck.

[moosmom]

Caseysmom.

I was not referring to your kids. It is simply MY opinion on what I have observed over the years.

[moosmom]

EXAMPLE:

When I was married, friends of ours came to visit with their two undisciplined. The youngest sat on MY coffee table and began "dusting" it with her butt leaving little scratches on it, all the while the parents were oblivious. After watching this kid wreak havoc in my living room, I finally spoke up and told the kid to knock it off. Our friends were a little surprized. But it was MY house and MY stuff and if the parents weren't going to discipline their kid, then I was going to step in. Oh and this "sweet" (not) child also kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant with my daughter.

[caseysmom]

EXAMPLE:

When I was married, friends of ours came to visit with their two undisciplined. The youngest sat on MY coffee table and began "dusting" it with her butt leaving little scratches on it, all the while the parents were oblivious. After watching this kid wreak havoc in my living room, I finally spoke up and told the kid to knock it off. Our friends were a little surprized. But it was MY house and MY stuff and if the parents weren't going to discipline their kid, then I was going to step in. Oh and this "sweet" (not) child also kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant with my daughter.

And that all reflects bad parenting not bad children.

[Cataholic]

A child that is able to kick a pregnant woman in the stomach (and yes, I do realize Donna you are not ten feet tall ), is not 3. At 7.5, and VERY tall for his age, I am not sure J could kick me in the stomach. But, anyhow, a child kicking someone is so far off of a 3 year old putting his/her finger in a frosted cake.

None of this is to say the adult wouldn't say to little child, "oh, honey, please don't do that. It isn't polite/germy/inappropriate/whatever". It is a learning process. No one wakes up with perfect children- as how many of us are perfect adults? It is a learning, and sometimes a long one, process. Some children are easy as pie to bring up right. Some need lots of opportunities to get it right. And, I know some adults that STILL act oddly.

At the end of it all...it was a family gathering, a 3 year old and a birthday cake, now tainted. I guess I should consider myself overly fortunate if this is all I ever run into in my day to day living.

[carole]

I am with you on this one cataholic, to me it is normal for a kid to maybe do that, does not mean they are a brat, just curious, gosh what a sin NOT, as long as the parent corrects the child for their behaviour, and they should, not a big deal at all.

[popcornbird]

To those of you who say you are 'old fashioned'...come on. After having lived your entire lives, raised children and perhaps have grand kids, you should know better than the younger crowd of how 3 is really, not much bigger than a baby.

3 is so young that none of us really remember being that age. We may have some random memories, but nobody TRULY remembers being 3. My little boy is 2. He is precious, very well behaved, and a joy to be around. At the same time, he is 2. I still see him as a baby. He still looks like a baby. I just weaned him a few months ago, and although he is pretty much potty trained, he still has the occasional accident. He is 2. If he were to act out in a public place, or at the home of an aquaintance, I would correct him. In reality, he is shy and won't misbehave around people he doesn't know well. At home, the rules are more lax. If he were to dip his fingers in frosting at home, I would smile. He will only be this little once. My brother adores him and there is no way he would get offended if my child were to dip his fingers in cake at his house. Kids should feel at home when visiting family.

3 is not much bigger than a baby. You cannot expect an innocent young child to act like an adult. Its just not going to happen.

I really feel the BIL is out of line, and if I were you, I'd say something to him. I don't like it when people speak about children in a negative way, especially when a child is so young. Children learn when they are loved and made to feel special. Kids like to please, and when they know you love them, they try hard to please you. Harshness teaches them nothing other than fear. A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soo as your back is turned, guaranteed.

[pomtzu]

We all have our own opinions, that's what makes everyone different and unique! What a boring world this would be if we were all alike.

[carole]

PCB what a wise head on your shoulders for one so young, well young in comparison to me that is lol, i agree so much with what you have said.

it is just like when i see a parent struggling with a child having a temper tantrum in public, i just never take much notice ,or i give them a look that lets them know i understand, been there , done that, and yes nothing worse than those judgemental looks of disapproval..

[mrspunkysmom]

To those of you who say you are 'old fashioned'...come on. After having lived your entire lives, raised children and perhaps have grand kids, you should know better than the younger crowd of how 3 is really, not much bigger than a baby.

..........

A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soon as your back is turned, guaranteed.

So true Popcorn. I see this everyday at school with teachers and the children with their parents. The will be respectful for those they fear and extremely disrespectful for those they do not.

Each child is different as we are all different. Parents have to modify how they handle children from child to child.

Popcorn, I'm wishing good luck with this dilemma.

[pomtzu]

Kids like to please, and when they know you love them, they try hard to please you. Harshness teaches them nothing other than fear. A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soo as your back is turned, guaranteed.

Of course kids like to please, but they don't have to be threatened or beaten into submission. A child, no matter how young, can be taught in a positive way about manners and respect, and they will love, not fear. I did not fear my parents, my children did not fear me, and my grandkids do not fear their parents (my children). I never took my kids anywhere and feared they would act up like little monsters or spoiled brats - whether it be to a public place, or to a friend's or relative's house. I'm not saying that they couldn't be ornery and try my patience by doing things that they knew they shouldn't, but they also knew how far they could go in testing me. And as I said before - children are never too young to be taught manners and respect, and you don't have to be a drill sergeant or carry a whip to do so.

[Alysser]

This is coming MORE from the 3 year olds POV to be honest. I have very little experience with kids other than having a job working with them for 3 years as a costume character. Being 19, I don't have a kid. I am not claiming to be an all-knowing expert in child rearing because that is CERTAINLY not the case, heck I have never even babysat before, but I do have a more "up to date" insight on being a kid I guess.

I do get annoyed when people say my generation is disrespectful, rude and spoiled. Frankly, not all of us are, obviously. Now, I know a bunch of jerks my age, who curse at their parents, yell at them, etc. My co-worker being a perfect example. His mom works at my job to and he gets away with what I consider murder. I have never seen a more disrespectful kid. His mom just sits there a takes it, so I assume that it is partially her fault. My other co-workers and I were stunned when we first saw him acting out like this. NEVER in my life would I think of cursing at my mom. Sure, we do fight, but that's normal. But I would never curse at her or disrespect her. I don't fear her, my parents have never been abusive. They are my parents, why would I disrespect them? Most of my friends are the same way.

Like someone said, I really don't remember being 3. But I do know, we never really misbehaved in public as children. We as in - me, my brother and my sister. I am sure there is the occasional tantrum. That also went for other people's homes. Actually, as a kid I cannot even begin to imagine wreaking havoc in someone else's home. But having been around kids for a certain amount of time I do know there is a big difference between a 3 year old acting out and a 7 year old acting out. I was a costume character. Kids were often pulling on us and things like that. I found it fine when a three year old tried to move my head around (as a costume character), they are little and curious. A 7 year old doing it, normally I was okay with if they were gentle. Some of them were, but most weren't. I was once kicked by a 7/8 year old because as his mother said I was scaring him. He was scared a minute before when he was pulling my tail. What is the point of that story? Well really, a 7/8 year old should know better than to KICK someone. I've had even older kids kick, hit me, and where they find that appropriate I will never know. Many parents get mad at the kid, but some don't. That is where you have the problem. MANY of the 3 year olds were corrected, some even apologized, which was adorable. But really, I'm not mad at them, they are babies and really don't know better yet.

My point being, pretty much the same as PCB, especially the last paragraph. That being said, I've met beyond NASTY adults that weren't just having a bad day. Bad parenting is in every generation, like it or not. Maybe this generation is a bit dumber but bad parenting is always in the cards. I was taught to respect my elders, so long as they respected me. I don't take crap from someone just 'cause their older. If someone is respectful of you, there is no reason to be nasty back, but some just are.

As for the issue at hand, I can't give much advice. Like I said, I agree with PCB.

[caseysmom]

I don't think my nephew thinks of my house as going to someone else's house, we are pretty close he is here pretty often I have just decided to try not to invite them altogether here but I have no doubt my bil will be rude with my grandkids when they are at that age too but my daughter will probably have something to say about it. I do think my sil misses some teaching opportunities that my daughter may not, my daughter is upset because they give my nephew pepsi in his sippy cup so there is a bit of excessive leniancy on their part.

[Cataholic]

On the pop in the sippy cup issue, unless you are giving it to the child all the time, carbonated beverages have about the same amount of badness as juice, chocolate milk, or those sippy pouches. Too much sugar. Ugh.

We dont drink pop, I never have it in the house, just not our thing. But most liquids are sugary calories with minimal benefits.