opinions wanted family issue

[caseysmom]

I am having an issue with my brother in law...sister's husband and I need some advice or opinions.

I invite him and my sister over often for family gatherings, my husbands brother and wife often come with their 3 year old son.
My brother in law constantly makes remarks regarding my nephew. He did go through a stage a while back like banging on the piano etc but
overall he is a good kid and I think a normal 3 year old boy with lots of energy. The first time the remark was because there was a birthday cake
for someone so he stuck his finger in the icing, my brother in law had a fit. The next birthday occasion he did the same thing and my brother in
law said something about not wanting cake because of that kid, I was ready for him though I told him I also had cupcakes somewhere else.

So for mothers day I invited my in laws and I didn't intend to invite my sister and her husband. My sister called my daughter to invite all of us over
and she didn't know what to do so I called my sister and invtied her too. We had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and we have been on good terms
for a few years so I don't want to lose my sister. Well Sunday my nephew was looking for potter and someone said we should let him know he is inside, my
nephew was looking on the porch, my brother in law said no let him stay out there right in front of his mom. He was on good behaviour and did nothing obnoxious
yesterday but when I got the cake out for mothers day he said to my husband ...its my birthday??? so my husband dotes on my nephew and loves him to death so
he sticks a candle in the cake and gets everyone to sing happy birthday...my brother in law couldn't stand it he says "wait until that kid grows up and sees that
the whole world doesn't revolve around him"

Also a bit of history when my brother in law and sister married he had custody every other weekend of his son and I usually ended up with him but they have a
huge house and the kitchen has 3 sinks but their son wasn't allowed to wash his hands in any kitchen sink he had to go top the laundry room so he does have control issues.

My question...should I realize he is a jerk in that area and ignore it so I can see my sister or should I send her a note explaining how I feel, it really makes me upset for my sister in law although she has been good about ignoring him but they are guests in my home and he is basically coming over and insulting their kid.

Sorry its so long.

[caseysmom]

Forgot to add that since the twins were born we are trrying to be careful to give my nephew enough attention because of course the twins
are getting tons...hence the birthday cake candle...

[Cataholic]

Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with putting a candle in a cake and singing Happy Birthday to a 3 year old, even when it isn't his birthday. Trust me, they grow up fast enough and realize the world 'isn't all about them'. Is this the 3 year old in the same family as the twins? If so, I would go out of my way to make sure he realizes how special and loved he is. Of course, even not, he should still be shown how special and loved he is.

If someone comes to my house and insults my guests, I would say something. But, your sister should also stick up for her own child, too. No need to have a war, but maybe, "seems you have forgotten what it is like to be 3, we haven't. Please back off" or something to that effect.

Oh, the horrors of a child sticking his finger in a birthday cake! I can only presume your BIL never, ever eats out in a restaurant. Talk about dirty/germy.

[pomtzu]

Well I might be in the minority, but I think this little boy needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Sorry!!! By putting that candle on the cake, your hubby was reinforcing the little boy's behavior - I won't say bad behavior - maybe more like undesirable. And the boy should have learned you don't stick your fingers in somebody else's cake - especially twice. I believe the parents are at fault tho - IF he behaves at home, then he needs to be taught that he has to behave at other people's homes too.
Of course this is just my very old fashioned opinion.

[moosmom]

Well Pomtzu, looks like you and I are BOTH old fashion, cuz I totally agree with you.

I worked with a woman who had 3 daughters. Everytime it was one of their birthdays, they ALL got a gift so the other ones wouldn't be left out. If they didn't get a gift, they threw tantrums. That is udder BS. And rewarding this kid for bad behavior is not a good thing either.

I believe it is the parent's obligation to see that their children behave both at home AND out in the REAL world. As far as the BIL is concerned, I think he has issues with kids in general. Nothing this little kid does will be okay with the BIL.

[catnapper]

If you didn't say anything at the time, you missed your opportunity. If he freaks out again, say something jokey like "thank goodness Godzilla saved half of Tokyo!" or "I guess its HIS cake now!"

My brother has the best behaved kids I know. At Easter I bought Bakery made cupcakes. His kids know they aren't allowed sweets, so when the adults were having a conversation in one room, they were in another licking the frosting off of $20 worth of cupcakes. I thought it was funny. Funny! They took a calculated risk (knew they weren't allowed sweets but weighed it against dad's reaction) and went for it. They're KIDS! At a PARTY. I was upset over the money wasted, but I was the idiot who bought gourmet cupcakes for a family gathering.... besides it was my brother's job to correct them. By the way, Cameron looked at me in shock because he knew he would never get away with something like that.... but his misbehavior is of a different variety -- he's high energy and generally embrasses us in public as strangers watch either in horror or laughing their tooshies off (people think he's much older because of how big he is. He's 5 but defintely looks 8. They tell me he should be acting his age.... yeah, have a five year old act like an eight year old and you can keep waiting three years to see it happen).

As for saying something to him or your sister. Tell your sister it hurts you. Use "I" statements (see? my time in therapy has some uses! ) and see if she can talk to him. If she disagrees, then agree to disagree and drop it. You told her how it makes you feel. Its her husband and her relationship and she can talk to him about his behavior. It will only cause animosity if you skipped over her and hent to him. I am still smarting 10 years later when my brother did that to my husband.... they were right, but they went about it all wrong.

[momcat]

Ellie and Donna, I have to agree with both of you. Apparently, BIL isn't a kid person but that's okay. Kids that age get on my nerves now, I just don't have the patience for them anymore. But at 3, this kid should have some manners and know better than to stick his hands in cake frosting.

[pomtzu]

Just one more thought................Hubby missed an opportunity to steer this little boy in the right direction. When the boy saw the cake and asked if it was his birthday, hubby should have said; "no - it's for (fill in the blank), and after the cake is cut, you will get to have a piece too." Why not nurture him to become a sharing individual?? - nothing wrong with that! The longer everyone waits to introduce him to acceptable behavior, the less likely you are to have positive results.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

I'm actually surprised that people think that, by three, kids should have the whole world figured out. Developmentally, 3 year olds ARE the center of their own universe; it's a normal stage of development and they really do not have the cognitive ability not to be so egocentric. And you know what, freaking out over a stupid cake (as a grown, fully developed adult) is WAY more childish and immature than anything the child did.

Your nephew's behavior seems perfectly normal and I think it's the brother in law that has the problem. How does your sister in law feel about the issue (the one whose child is being insulted)? I would talk to her, say you don't like the behavior and ask if it bothers her, then decide what to do.

[caseysmom]

Thanks everyone I figured I would get some vastly different opinions which is good that is the real world.

Firstly my sister is not the child's mother its my sister in law pembrook you seemed like everyone but you was confused about that, and my sil his mother
is so polite she just ignores him. My in laws do lots of disciplinje correction but he is 3 and the cake issues were about a year ago. The cake sunday was for
mothers day so it wasn't anyone elses birthday cake just to clarify.

Some of the remarks I wasn't standing right there, the one about the whole world won't revolve my daughter was there for.

Also sometimes he plays with a phone app on his moms iphone, on another day he saw the twins playing with a play phone and said at least they don't
have a phone like Ryan! I guess I don't think quickly on my feet but clearly he can't stand him. The thing is he is good with kids usually he was great with
one of my nieces he just can't stand that my nephew isn't perfect I guess.

I do tend to agree with cataholic and pembrook but I also understand the others opinions on this and do appreciate them. I have tried to give my sister
in law some tips like when he has a meltdown in a store to just leave.

[caseysmom]

I also think my BIL's father was a tyrant who truly didn't let his kids be kids, sometimes people can't help it because of how they were raised. When his son was 12 the courts let him decide where to live, with my sister and bil he would have had a huge house and a lexus...he chose his mom...that tells you something.

My sister never had her own kids but she has always been good to mine so has my bil but when they were toddlers and would misbehave it would bother him too...I already told my daughter when the twins are terrible two's she will have fun with her uncle. He does seem to have extra animosity for my nephew though. My falling out with them was actually because of how mad my hubby got at my daughter during her teen years which is funny actually.

[caseysmom]

Also I did apologize to my sil once about bil...said he made remarks when my klds were small etc she said oh don't worry about it Ryan is a handful sometimes. She does talk to me often about the best ways to discipline him, he does great in preschool though I am just thinking its because he has nobody his age to play with and his father my husbands brother is too serious and doesn't play with him enough maybe my husband on the other hand adores him and plays with him all the time. Soon the twins will be great playmates for him and he is very gentle and sweet with them.

[pomtzu]

The point that this old timer was trying to make, is that children are never too young to be taught manners and respect for other people and their belongings - whether it be a cake or a toy, or whatever. The longer a child is allowed to behave inappropriately, the longer it will take to get that child to act appropriately. Of course at the age of 3 they haven't figured their world out, but that's the duty and obligation of the parents to guide the child in the right direction. No one has to be a drill sergeant to their kids, yet they need to be firm and not just look the other way and ignore the issues. Kids will push and push just to see how far they can go and what they can get away with, and it will be confusing to them when all of a sudden they get busted for something they have been doing all along, and now for some strange reason (in their mind), Mom or Dad steps up and says "no more of that behavior".
Again - just the old fashioned way that I was raised, and the way I raised my kids, and in turn, the way my kids raised their kids.

[moosmom]

Pomtzu,

The point that this old timer was trying to make, is that children are never too young to be taught manners and respect for other people and their belongings - whether it be a cake or a toy, or whatever. The longer a child is allowed to behave inappropriately, the longer it will take to get that child to act appropriately. Of course at the age of 3 they haven't figured their world out, but that's the duty and obligation of the parents to guide the child in the right direction. No one has to be a drill sergeant to their kids, yet they need to be firm and not just look the other way and ignore the issues. Kids will push and push just to see how far they can go and what they can get away with, and it will be confusing to them when all of a sudden they get busted for something they have been doing all along, and now for some strange reason (in their mind), Mom or Dad steps up and says "no more of that behavior".e
Again - just the old fashioned way that I was raised, and the way I raised my kids, and in turn, the way my kids raised their kids.

AMEN SISTA!!!!!

When I was growing up, all my parents had to do was give us "THE LOOK" aka "The hairy eyeball" and we towed the line. I'll tell ya, todays kids have absolutely NO respect for ANYONE.

[caseysmom]

Pomtzu,



AMEN SISTA!!!!!

When I was growing up, all my parents had to do was give us "THE LOOK" aka "The hairy eyeball" and we towed the line. I'll tell ya, todays kids have absolutely NO respect for ANYONE.

I don't believe that is true Donna and its quite a sad opinion of this generation that you have. My children gave me a wonderful mothers day, my oldest sent me flowers at work and they sent my daughter home from college for a surprise, got me wonderful gifts...please try not to hate the next generation there is good there, my kids have lots of friends that I truly love. My nephew is also a sweet young man, I was in the kitchen and he came in and pulled on my shirt, I looked down and he said "I love you aunt shelley, happy mothers day" it was the freakin cutest thing ever.