The frustrations of needy, clingy men!!

[jennielynn1970]

Ok, so what do you do when you meet a guy on line, and he seems like a nice, NORMAL guy, and then slowly but surely, he becomes practically a stalker?? Seriously.

I start talking to this guy, he seems nice. I know he has health problems (he fell off a platform at work and was partially paralyzed, but now can walk better; he also just had surgery for perforated ulcer), and because of the health problems he hasn't been to work for 5 years. So, he's at home, recovering, learning to walk again, and doing all that stuff and living with his mom again. I have NO issue with that. I mean, how could I??? He's lucky he survived and that he's doing so well.

What I have an issue with is him calling me all the time, or constantly checking for me on my messenger screen name (I'm now invisible.. and I haven't done that for years!!!). He is just so clingy and so needy, it's driving me nuts. He leaves all these mushy messages on my Facebook profile, and it just makes me want to vomit. I'm not kidding!!! Maybe other women would like this, but he's giving me the creeps.

I'm supposed to meet him today for the first time. First off, I see BIG RED FLAGS all over the place about this. Secondly, I've been sick for 4 days now and I still don't feel good and don't want to be running to the bathroom while I'm there every 15 minutes. Third, I don't want to get them sick. Oh yeah, and his nieces will be there because they want to meet me. Umm... pressure much???

I'm freaking out at this point. It's 9:30 and I am supposed to go there at noon today, but I just don't see it happening. I want to just stay home and hide from him!

Any thoughts??

[moosmom]

Go with your gut instincts. If you don't feel good about it, and you're obviously seeing red flags, DON'T GO!!!!

Better to be safe than sorry.

[pomtzu]

Ditto on Donna's post. And tell him you're still sick and don't want to give him or his nieces anything contagious - especially in his weakened state of health!

And then maybe gradually ease out of your association with him if he makes you uncomfortable.

He might be harmless, but you never know. Go with your instincts!

[Catty1]

The saying on one of my internet dating profiles is: "When on a pedestal, watch for pigeons!"

This guy needs a social life - and it has to include more than one person.

If you are feeling sick, tell him. Cancel. And I hope you have call display so you don't answer all his calls. (If you don't you can pick up a cheap one at a dollar or electronics store).

Also - and this is drastic - you may want to report his behaviour to whatever Facebook moderator there is. He may just need a sharp reminder that his behavior is harrassment verging on stalking.

Delete him from your Facebook account. Block and delete everything you can. If you want to first send him a message about how uncomfy you are because he calls too much or whatever, do that.

Ask your work assistant what to say. She'll have something good!

[jennielynn1970]

I did cancel for today. Part of me sees an ex-boyfriend's behavior in him. If he's like this and we haven't even met, what would he be like if we dated??? Possessive?? Abusive?? I don't want to ever be in that situation again.

Ugh. He seemed normal. For a while. I know he needs to get out. He needs to do more things and be more social. I know he hasn't been able to the past few months because of the surgery he had and the open wound he has healing from the ulcer. He just got so clingy so fast! He's a big guy too, 6'3" and muscular, so strength is on his side as well. It just scares me when I see this kind of emotional reaction from a guy like that.

As for my assistant, she said she thinks he's a good guy! She says "Awe Jenn, he really likes you." Um... what, for dinner??

[Karen]

Glad you cancelled for today. I would go with your gut, but maybe he's just anxious to meet you which is why he's been so clingy? At least wait until you feel better, then go from there. Have you mentioned his clinginess to him? Maybe he thinks that's what women want?

[jennielynn1970]

I've mentioned it to him now a few times. He doesn't see it, which is a bit disconcerting. He sees himself as being caring and romantic.

[kokopup]

Being caring and romantic is one thing but if his clinging is from insecurity then that is quite another. Insecure men tend to be abusive and demanding as time goes on.

If you decide to meet him having his nieces there is a good thing. Make
your initial meeting the type that would be of a short duration such as
coffee at Starbucks. If all is ok on this initial meeting then you can plan a
meeting of a longer duration.

You should tread carefully, It is one thing to date someone with a handicap that they handle well and another to becoming a crutch that they need to have around.

[Nomilynn]

I met a guy online once and we went out for dinner. That was it. After that one night, I knew that he was WAAAYYY more into it than me. Anyway, he didn't take the hint. He contstantly texted me, emailed, etc. and I finally said "Look I just didn't feel a connection with you. You are a nice guy but not my type." Well.. you would have thought we were engaged. He said "I really felt something that night and I really thought we had a future together." A FUTURE!?? I met him ONE TIME and I gave him a hug goodnight to thank him for driving, that was all. He was a real weirdo.

Anyhoo - the moral of my story is, if you have these instincts now, they are probably right!! And it is SO WRONG on a first meeting for him to think that you should have to meet his family! Who does that??

[Flatcoatluver]

I think it was best that you didn't go today, but what was his reactions? Did he seem really dissapointed?

[Medusa]

If you're having feelings like this now, Jenn, there's nowhere to go from here. It's only going to get worse. Delete him from your Facebook account, keep yourself invisible when online, check caller ID to be sure that you don't pick up when he calls. Just make yourself unavailable. You've talked to him about it and he's not seeing it the way you see it, so it isn't being cruel to disappear; it's being safe. Don't waste any more time w/him, especially if you're serious about finding someone with whom you can truly be comfortable. I became nervous and edgy just reading your post. Do you really want to be w/someone who's needy and clingy? He's that way already and you haven't even met. No. Run.

[Daisy and Delilah]

If you're having feelings like this now, Jenn, there's nowhere to go from here. It's only going to get worse. Delete him from your Facebook account, keep yourself invisible when online, check caller ID to be sure that you don't pick up when he calls. Just make yourself unavailable. You've talked to him about it and he's not seeing it the way you see it, so it isn't being cruel to disappear; it's being safe. Don't waste any more time w/him, especially if you're serious about finding someone with whom you can truly be comfortable. I became nervous and edgy just reading your post. Do you really want to be w/someone who's needy and clingy? He's that way already and you haven't even met. No. Run.

Ditto. He sounds like he might have issues. It's probably best to leave him alone all together.

[jennielynn1970]

He contstantly texted me, emailed, etc. and I finally said "Look I just didn't feel a connection with you. You are a nice guy but not my type." Well.. you would have thought we were engaged. He said "I really felt something that night and I really thought we had a future together." A FUTURE!?? I met him ONE TIME

You should see the one poem he wrote me (yeah... a poem), it has something in it about thinking of how I would be as his WIFE.

[Nomilynn]

You should see the one poem he wrote me (yeah... a poem), it has something in it about thinking of how I would be as his WIFE.

Oh no!!! Yeah.. run for the hills, knock stuff down as you go behind you, and don't look back!!!

[jennielynn1970]

I think it was best that you didn't go today, but what was his reactions? Did he seem really dissapointed?

He totally freaked out. I'm also sick as heck with a stomach bug, so that is a legit excuse, but omg, you would have thought that I was just doing the worst thing ever. He said how the kids were going to be upset, and how he was going to send them home early because he didn't want them to see him being so upset and all kinds of things. It got to be really dramatic. I tried to answer him and being very calm about it all, and said I didn't feel comfortable meeting him, and that I was still sick, and how I was sorry. I'm not the one who invited 3 little girls over to meet me my first time meeting him. Between that and meeting his mom and possibly a sister, it was just too much. Add in all the other stuff on top of that, and you've got one very uncomfortable date!