What I did for my family for Christmas this year

[jenluckenbach]

Lets start with just a little background info.

my family

I have an older brother and sister (in their 50's)
I am in my 40's
I have a younger brother (in his 30's)


There are 2 adult neices, both married and one with a 6 year old.
1 adult nephew and
1 neice, who is 4.

My older brother always has this group of people, plus my dad, to his house for Christmas eve dinner.

info about me

I suffer from depression. It has always caused me to have a super low self esteem, for one thing. And plenty of self hate.

I am on medicine and I am doing quite well, but during those monthly hormonal times I can still get pretty down.

Dec 21st/22nd were two of those days.

The problem part 1

I talked myself out of going to older brother's house on Christmas eve using the excuse that I had been sick (which I had been, the week before) and I would be too exhausted for a late dinner. the truth was that I felt no one would miss me and they would have a much better time without me. Heck, they might not even notice!

The problem part 2

Then I started thinking that THEY probably think that the reason I cancel is because I don't care about them. From their point of view I probably look like the old scrooge, with no spirit and no love. (when it is really 100% the opposite.)

The solution

So, after midnight on Dec 22nd, when I was having trouble sleeping, and just filled with emotions built up over the years, I sat down and wrote a very PERSONAL message inside each Christmas card.

To my dad, I mentioned all the traits he has that I admire. How I wish I had inherited those traits instead of the ones I ended up with.

To my younger brother, I apologized for being the horrible sister I was when we were growing up. I made it perfectly clear that my actions were not on account of him, but rather stemmed from my own self-loathing.

To my older brother, I told him, for the first time ever, that I have always, and still do, admire and look up to him.

To my sister I wished for a chance to so stuff sisters do. Being 10 years apart in age meant we never actually "grew up" together, but we could start building a relationship now.

My neices and nephews have stories you could not understand, but you get the idea. I even wrote something to all the spouses.

An I went to that Christmas eve dinner and I gave them their cards.

The outcome?

Well, that is yet to be seen. My family does not talk about feeling/emotions. I may never know what they thought of their gift. But deep inside I can know that I took the time to tell them.

Merry Christmas to all

[jennielynn1970]

I think what you did was really brave, and really heart felt. I know the whole not wanting to be around people deal too.

Big hugs to you, because you are one of the sweetest, generous, most caring people I know, and I love you for it!

[Karen]

Jenn, what a nice thing you did! I am sure every one of them was deeply touched, even if they'll never say so aloud!

[Catty1]

What a brave, healing and LOVING thing you did!

[Medusa]

Jen, your family situation sounds similar to mine except that I had no younger siblings; I was the baby, and no one talked about their feelings much, so I can relate to what you did for them for Christmas. Personally, I feel that it was a courageous and healthy step to take and even if they don't discuss it w/you, I guarantee that it still made an impact. You'll notice things that they say or do down the road but it may take a while. It was very healing for you and it'll also have an impact on you, too. I do hope you give up the self hate and start liking/loving yourself as much as others do, including me.

[catnapper]

Jen, that was beautiful. I know about your family so I hope they reciprocate in a loving way. (((HUGS)))

[moosmom]

Jen,

What a wonderful thing to do! My family is gone now and I only have my brother, an uncle no one (but me since I got back to CT) talks to in Colorado, and 3 cousins and their families. The cousins all live within a mile of each other and my brother is in NC. I talk to my brother frequently and we also keep in touch via emails.

The holidays are very hard on me as well, as I also suffer from ADD, PTSD, depression and low self-esteem. My medicine has helped tremendously.

No one should be alone on the holidays. I have to say that dinner at my cousin's house was WONDERFUL!! I only see them once a year so we always have alot of catching up to do with the kids and spouses. I always laugh alot when I'm there. I laughed so much at dinner, my stomach and ribs are killing me!

I hope you get the responses you had hoped for. If not, just chalk it up to the lack of communication. Some families just don't have the "emotion". At least you got it off your chest, and you can beath a "sigh" of relief.

Merry Christmas honey.

[Laura's Babies]

Gee, I never realize you were suffering within yourself like that. Your posts never reflected any of that. ((((HUGS))))) to you!

I think what you did was great! Maybe you have started a new tradition in your family without knowing it, speaking about your emotions/feelings. Maybe nobody did it because nobody ever did before....

[momcat]

Jen, What you did for your family is wonderful! It's so hard to express our feelings at times, when I do I can't help but wonder if it was taken the way it was intended. I too am being treated for depression and anxiety. Unless someone has been here, it's impossible to know what dealing with this is like.
You are a strong and caring person with so much to offer! [[[[[HUGS]]]]] being sent just for you!!!!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Jen, I agree that what you did was wonderful and now everyone will know just how you feel about them. Merry Christmas!!!

[cassiesmom]

What a wonderful thing to do! I have dysthymia/depression and the days around the winter solstice are hard for me because there's so little daylight. I kept my expectations low and stayed in the background for Christmas this year, and at the end of the day things with my family were fine.

[shepgirl]

Your posts portray you much differently than waht you described. What a surprise it was to read how you felt.
Congratulations on your actions, I think maybe everyone should express themselves to their families, even in letters like you did. Be assured that everyone will surely be touched by the honesty you showed and all are probably so happy you went to that family dinner.

[carole]

You go girl, be proud of yourself, I think you are going to feel so much better in yourself, for having written what you did,and don't worry if there is no reaction from the family,you have gotten it off your chest and that is all that really matters, so chin up and soldier on as you always have done,I hope you are feeling better today, HUGS.

[Emeraldgreen]

What a brave and wonderful thing to do. I hope your family is receptive to your honesty and will talk with you about it. But even if they don't, you've done it and broken free from a not so healthy pattern of not communicating. Good for you! Wishing you a great new year in 2009 full of love and validation and happiness.

[Moesha]

I like the fact that they can keep those cards and reread them forever, even maybe after you've forgotten about writing them. Plus, it made you feel better. That's an important point! Good for you.