Anyone taking care of elder parents??

[Catsnclay]

My father is almost 80 and these past few months he has been getting worse & worse. I believe he is in early stages of diementia .

It is now up to me to look after him, and never being a parent myself I find it really hard to deal with him.

Most of the time he makes sense and understands what is going on, but lately the simplest things he cannot get.

He called us last night wanting to know how to make coffee in a coffee machine. He has always had a coffee machine in the house, now for some reason he has no clue as to what to do with it. My husband explained it to him, he wrote the instructions down, but when I called him this am he was upset because he couldn't get it to work.

This is not like him at all and I am worried. I have suggested that we go to the doctor together, but no he will not go, he says he is fine.

A few weeks ago his girlfriend called me in a panic, he got something in the mail from the bank (a bank he doesn't like, for some reason) that said his account was due. He insisted that he didn't have an account with them and they were just out to 'get' his money. She tried to call, but they would not give her any information, so I went to the bank with him (oh that was a tough task!) and not only did he have an account that was due (a large sum) but he also had another account with them that will be due in 4.08. OMG! he was adament and carrying on that I was so embarrased and kept apoligizing for him. Luckily they all knew he was sick and handled him rather well. But I felt like he was acting like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum!

I'm sorry this is so long & detailed, but is anyone going through something like this with their parents???

What do you do? How do I handle him?

And most importantly - HOW do I convince him he needs to see a doctor???!!!

I am not exactly 'well' myself, but I have to do something to help him. Yes I have a sister, but she is waiting around for both of my parents to "kick" - as she puts it, so she can live off their money. Currently my mother pays all my sister's bills now. She claims she is a designer, but rarely does she make money on her own. My mother & father divorced 6 years ago after 48 years of marriage - IMHO they should have divorced years ago. Not exactly a good or healthy marriage.

Anyone else going through this??????

(((((((((((((((HELP!)))))))))))))

[Catty1]

Could his girlfriend convince him?

I know here in Alberta, professionals can do an 'in-home' assessment. That way they will come to him.

A regular GP can't do the assessment - but may know someone who can.

Call an association like Eldercare, or even a good seniors' home. The staff can help you with who to call.

Try these also:
http://www.ilrg.com/practice/assistelderly.html

http://www.ec-online.net/

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/...re-cover_N.htm EXCELLENT ARTICLE

http://www.pcusa.org/nationalhealth/...vers/index.htm BROWSE through this and see what catches your eye.

[AbbyMom]

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. A friend went through this with his mother a couple of years ago. In her case, it was diagnosed as hardening of the arteries in her brain causing memory/cognitive problems.

As he lived far away, he convinced her to move to a place for seniors. When she first moved in, she was in the "independent" section, but she did not cook her own meals. Cooking was considered dangerous.

Later, she moved to an assisted living section where there's always someone nearby. It has worked out.

So, perhaps you can start talking up a senior home for your father? Many elderly people find it advantageous and enjoy the relaxed social life.

As far as "paperwork" goes, I suspect you'll need to offer to help him with it every month. He might find it a relief. If not, then insist.

As far as going to the doctor goes, can you start pressuring him about a routine chloresterol test or high blood pressure test? Something that's not so scary and easily treated?

Perhaps your question is how to insist your father does what is right for himself? I have heard many times that at this stage, parents/children go through role reversal. Try to remember how your parents pressured you to do things you didn't want to do when you were a child.

I feel some of your pain. I just finished speaking to my mother...congratulating her on her 83rd birthday. Her and dad are doing OK. Over the last year, though, I have found myself INSISTING on certain things about doctor visits and meds and getting my way. But they knew it was the right thing to do anyway.

My problem is that they moved to Florida 25 years ago and I cannot help them from here.

I'll be watching your thread to see if anyone has any good ideas to help you out. I will be in your shoes in a few years.

Good luck to you and good for you for being a caring daughter.

[Donnaj4962]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I work for my local Council on Aging, and sadly, this is something that we deal with on an almost daily basis.

First, as Catty1 said, look into an eldercare locator. I am at home as I type this, and don't have that # at my fingertips. I will look it up when I get to the office tomorrow and PM you.

Another suggestion is to contact your local Alzheimer's Association. They will have a wealth of information for you. Has Dad been officially diagnosed with dementia or alzheimers? If not, try, try, try, to get him to the doctor for an assessment. You may even want to call his doctor and schedule an appointment with just the doc and you to discuss the situation.... then bring Dad in. We have found that aging parents will take suggestions much better from their doc than from their own children. (things such as "need to quit driving", "need to take this med"... etc.)

I know that every county in Indiana has a local Council on Aging (COA)... but I don't know which state you are in, or if there are COA's there. Since you have web access, look up www.aoa.gov and look at the site. It should be able to direct you to assistance in your area.


Please feel fre to PM me with any questions....I will be more than ahppy to help. I will look at some of my resources tomorrow and PM you some web addresses and/or phone numbers. Donna

[Freedom]

So is he currently living alone???

Uh huh, you are right, you do have problem.

Go to the senior center for his city; most have great administrative staff and even an full time nurse. They can help you with loads of stuff. I go to our senior center more than my Dad does!

My Dad is 80 and moved in with me 6 years ago. He is slowing down and getting more confused, just in the past 6 months. In Dad's case, much of it is due to his diabetes; he does not contro it. The huge blood glucose swings cause the confusion and forgetfulness.

It is quite difficult to get men to a doctor's. And our parents' generation doesn't have the same attitude to seeing the doc as we have.

You need to do a couple of things, but mostly you need to get yourself informed. That can start with the senior center, and with the council on aging someone else mentioned.

Your Dad "knows" he is getting confused, and he finds it scary. He is trying to hide it And make excuses, and THIS IS NORMAL FOR SOMEONE IN HIS SITUATION. It means a loss of control, and a reminder of his mortality. It means he is going to be more dependent on someone.

Treat him with patience; NOT easy when he forgets what you said in 30 seconds or less.

You need to address: the person; the future for the person; the assets and their safety.

Work on getting him to a doctor for a physical and blood work.

Often the area nursing homes and the senior center will have free workshops on moving to assisted living, senior housing, selecting a retirement home, finding an attorney. GO! Do what you need to do and go for the information, even if you can't get Dad to go with you.

Also see about an attorney. You need to get all his paperwork in order, if it isn't already; it seldom is in these situations. At a minimum, he needs a Will, Living Will, and Durable Power of Attorney.

Someone needs to get a handle on his assets. As confused as he sounds, he could easily lose a LOT if someone isn't keeping up with things. I stopped Dad losing quite a bit by phoning someone right back and challenging them. If you find out a year or two later, well, that is much more difficult to recover anything. Also, before he moved in with me, Dad was finding paperwork just too much to cope with. He wasn't paying taxes or insurance on the house; and it wasn't an issue of not having the money. I had to catch things up, get liens removed, etc.

All this assumes you are going to be the one handling things. Between my brother and me, there was no contest, bro isn't capable or interested in this stuff. So I got it.

If you are the one, it may mean using vacation time to get to workshops, even for a half day here and there. DO IT. Whomever is going to handle this needs to start learning and gathering information NOW.

[K9karen]

*Raises Hand*

My poor sweet dad suffered from Parkinson's for many years. Unfortunately, the breakthrough meds also cause paranoia, hallucinations etc. It was dreadful.

Fortunately, years before he got worse, he knew enough to see an ElderMed lawyer who helped us arrange the family finances so nothing would be taken by the government. I strongly suggest that you contact the ElderMed Association for a lawyer near you. It's a lot of paperwork etc., but trust me when I tell you that it's lifesaving.

Dad was a mess one night and we couldn't awake him so called 911 and he was diagnosed with pneumonia. From there, we had to put him in a nursing home (sob) because he couldn't walk and needed more care than we could give. Meanwhile my mother was getting ill but refused medical treatment because dad was her whole life. After he passed she finally had tests done and it was downhill from there for 2 1/2 years. I home cared her after I got laid off and had her in nursing facilities only while I recuped from 2 surgeries. I fought the state for "respite care" because she was a few dollars over the qualified assistance amount, but, d***nit! I got it for her. She passed 11 days after my spine surgery and never saw me well.

My aunt has dementia, brought on from hardened arteries in her brain. She'd call my mom all during the night to say there were people at her window, at the door etc. My uncle slept because she was hiding under the table while on the phone with mom. My unk desperately tried to get her to the doctor. He finally did because she caught a cold or something, and it was hospital and nursing home from there. If your dad goes to a facility straight from the hospital, it's covered for a few months by Medicare.

Maybe you can tell him it's time for his physical? You and his girlfriend will have to devise something, because he may hurt himself and/or others. It's very very sad and my heart aches for you. My best friend's mom has Alzheimers and went beserk today at the eye doctors. She cried and screamed when she went to the nursing home, but now, doesn't know anything and thinks she's home.

So, I know what you're going through. I'm so sorry. You cannot take care of him yourself. Phone his doctor and ask for advise. I'm sure he'll be pleased to help you. Most important right now is to fix his finances first.

oops..lost my purple..got carried away..sorry..but this hit so close to home and I was trying to help. PM me if you want. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Hugs to you

[Catty1]

One of the links there is for Elder Lawyers. I found that information for the children of an elderly couple in the USA who I love dearly...and they have gone downhill. The daughter was distressed...they made too much money to get $ help for a home, but the home cost so much...

ANYway, the thing is these elder lawyers know all the tricks and loopholes. I mailed all the info to this daughter - and next thing I knew, they had a place to live!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Karen]

Catsnclay, I am sure your father is, above all things, afraid of what is happening to him, and in denial is his only way of coping. Others have given you good advice. Is there a trusted clergyperson you could get that would help you get him to a doctor? There are many things that they can do these days, and many causes for dementia - including if he's taking any medicines that he might no longer need ... and if it is something like Alzheimers, the sooner you get him help, the better for the both of you. Does he have insurance? Does he have any long-term care insurance?

And don't worry about being embarrassed by his behavior in public sometimes. Many people will understand exactly what's going on, and no one will blame him or you.

[Pam]

Everyone has given you such good advice that I really have nothing more to add. I just want to say that I totally understand your situation as I have gone through it and am still going through it although things are much better now.

My mom had been slipping for several years and I had noticed it. I think she had too but only admitted it to me one day when she confessed that she had made a mess of her checkbook and not only couldn't figure out how to balance it but also had trouble remembering how to write checks. Then she had cataract surgery and the doctor's office received word from the insurance that her secondary insurance (Blue Cross) had dropped her for non-payment of premiums (she simply forgot to pay her bill). Thank God, that doctor is my boss and I was able to get on it right away. A trip to the bank and a call to the insurance company got her reinstated. Whew! After all of that she gave me total control over her checkbook and I became POA.

My second biggest fear was her driving. She refused to give it up and I knew she was far from alert when she was behind the wheel. One day she fell in her apartment and had to go to the hospital. She had cracked some ribs and was admitted to the hospital and from there was sent to a care facility for rehab. While there I was able to convince her to not go back to living alone and also to give up her car. Boy was that hard. Her car was her key to independence.

Now she is in a nursing home. Her dementia has gotten quite bad over this past year and she rarely recognizes me any more. She is receiving excellent care (this place has a waiting list a mile long) but I sometimes feel that I have let her down. I know I couldn't care for her myself and we had discussed all of this ahead of time back when she was well. I have a brother but he lives 2 hrs. from her and I live only 1 hr. from her so the decisions have always fallen on me. Fortunately he approves of everything I have done. It is very hard. Please know that you are not alone. ((((hugs))))

[moosmom]

Catsnclay,

There are tons of options. I know how difficult it is to care for an elderly, ill parent. My father was an alcoholic and refused to go to a doctor. He wound up drinking himself to death.

When I was caring for my Dad, they didn't have the resources they have now. Please, do yourself a favor...get help. I didn't and it cost me my sanity. There are respite programs that available. Call AARP.

I consulted an attorney, that's how bad my father got. He told me that I could check my dad into the hospital, but they couldn't hold him. My hands were tied.

I hired a housekeeper to keep his apartment clean and it also gave him someone to talk to. Because he lived alone, I was ALWAYS over there. I tried renting a 2 bedroom place for both of us but he refused. He liked his independence. I tried getting him meals on wheels. The stuff just went bad (he would "drink" his meals, if you know what I mean).

It's going to be difficult. Don't forget to take care of yourself, above and beyond!!

You've got my number (I think...if not PM me). You're in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Donna

[Donnaj4962]

I sent you a PM with some other toll free numbers and web addresses.

Hope they help! Please feel free to PM me for more information. Remember that there IS help out there. Sometimes you will find the help through a variety of agencies, but we all have the best interest of YOU AND YOUR FATHER at heart, and will do what we can to help. Please keep us posted.

[Catsnclay]

OMG thank you ALL for all the response and information!!! I guess I am not alone in this!!


There is no way my father will move, I'm afraid the only way he will move is when he can no longer walk or function. But we are not at that point - yet. We will cross that bridge when we get there.

So far, I am on all of his bank accounts, just called the hospital that he would go to and - Yeah!! they already have me in the computer at the person to contact!! Phew!

Now my next step is to get that POA so the doctors and anyone else will talk to me. It is amazing what that piece of paper will do!

I have all of his accounts coming to my address now and we are doing his banking and paying bills via the internet. He actually thinks it is pretty neat that with a click of a button his bills get paid, so he is happy that I am doing this for him.

I went over there last week and his girlfriend has HER name & address plastered all over his house as the person to contact in case of ER.

No, no, no!!!! I have printed out several ICE with MY name & number and will be taking that over there tomorrow to replace it with hers. She is nice, but she must know that she does NOT have any power of my father. Sometimes I get wierd feelings about her........

Any ways it is nice to know that others have or are going through this and I am not alone.

I REALLY appreciate all the websites that everyone has listed, I have put them in my fathers new folder in my computer! I have started to read some of them, but it gets really stressful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all! Gosh, it is amazing what you get when you ask!!!

Bunny & father

[Catty1]

Suggestion - if the girlfriend is being 'weird', tell her that the law will only give a blood relative POA - not your fault or hers. She is afraid of being excluded, maybe, so if there is a way of telling her how she can help where no one else can - such as, she is right there and knows how he is behaving, and can give a first-hand report that no one else can.

Not wording it great, but you know what I mean...I hope....

HUGS!

[trayi52]

My mother has dementia, and Alzheimer's disease. I know just how bad it can get. She is doing pretty good right now, except she is hallucinating, she sees this old man sitting under the tree in her front yard. She goes out and cusses him, I mean she can really lay it on him!!

I have to go three times a day to her house and give her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also have to give her meds to her at breakfast and dinner. She cannot swollow them so I have to crush them and mix them with applesauce.
We have tried to get help, but here in TN, there just isn't any help.

So Yes, I know just how you feel.


Willie

[Catsnclay]

Suggestion - if the girlfriend is being 'weird', tell her that the law will only give a blood relative POA - not your fault or hers. She is afraid of being excluded, maybe, so if there is a way of telling her how she can help where no one else can - such as, she is right there and knows how he is behaving, and can give a first-hand report that no one else can.

Not wording it great, but you know what I mean...I hope....

HUGS!

I have told her, nicely that if she went to the ER with him, legally she won't be able to ask or be there. With her southern-belle drawl (which comes on at times like this) she pats me on tha back and say: "Now Bunny, you just know you would be the first person I'd call if they won't talk to me. I know this is your daddy and he means the world to the both of us, honey."

Sorry, but please don't talk to me like I am a child, and how I personally inturpeted that statement was, 'if' they do NOT talk to her, then yes, she would have to call me - but only if that happens. (she still wears her wedding rings from her deceased husband, so they may assume that they are married)

I made up a bunch of ICE/POA signs that I will be bringing to my father's house to day, and one for his wallet. Plus I have to go and reteach him how to use his coffee maker, again