How do I get myself talked into these things? Stephan's eyes wandered over the crowded beach. The hum of people talking, children laughing as the sand castles they had made succumbed to the surf, and the seagulls screaming over pieces of trash filled the air. Beyond the mass of bodies and the garden of colorful umbrellas the ocean stirred menacingly; what some saw as peaceful waves he saw as flirting attempts to swallow someone and deny them of their life.
He took a deep breath trying to calm the frantic beating of his heart. He normally loved the beach, but not today. Today he was here to confront something he wished he could just forget about. Alexis, however, thought the only way for him to forget was to face it…and he had promised her that he would try this afternoon.
"Are you ready to do this?" Alexis stood by his side watching him intently. She knew how much today was going to emotionally drain him. "You don't have to do it today. We can come back later, or not at all. Walking away won't hurt anything."
She was giving him a way out, a way to turn his back on his word without seeming like he was doing so, a way to back out gracefully without seeming like a coward. How easy it would be to just say, "Sure, let's come back tomorrow," and then keep putting it off for another time, another place. It would be so easy, but he had promised. He couldn't go back on his word.
He shut his eyes for a moment and took another deep breath. He felt as if he were ready to puke. After a pause he shook his head slowly. "No, let's just do this." Those had to have been the hardest five words he had ever uttered in his life.
"Okay." Alexis nodded her head once and then stepped off of the sidewalk and onto the beach.
He followed her through the crowd, his mind numb. The hot sand spilling over his sandaled feet barely registered in his mind as he tried to brace himself for what he was about to do.
It wasn't that water itself scared him. What terrified him was the memory that water represented. He had harbored that memory for twelve years and instead of fading it had become stronger. Twelve years of bitterness, disappointment, and terror haunted him.
He must have stopped moving because Alexis was backtracking towards him.
"You're sure you're ready?" She was genuinely concerned about his mental state. At least someone was.
"Oh, I'm just great. Being in a body of water that could drown me at any moment while I try to overcome a panic attack is my favorite thing to do on a Saturday." His sarcasm was biting and she looked affronted. He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just very tense at the moment; nothing personal."
Her mouth turned up in a slight grin and compassion flooded her eyes. "Come on, I'll take you to a less crowded spot."
She grabbed his hand and forced his reluctant feet to follow hers. With a surge of dread, Stephan's memories overwhelmed him.
An eight year old boy can't resist a chance to spend the weekend with his father, especially when a lake, fishing, and camping are thrown into the deal. Stephan had been no exception. Above all, he had been excited because his dad had promised him a weekend all to themselves – no buddies from the bar, no hard drinks, and none of the "friends" he had been bringing home a couple of nights a week.
The Saturday had started off great. It was almost as if Stephan's mom had never died and his dad hadn't sunken into depression. They spent the day out on the lake laughing at each other's failed attempts to catch fish and taking turns pushing each other off of the boat and becoming totally soaked. The sun set and they slept out under the stars, telling each other chilling ghost stories. Stephan's dad had laughed when he woke in the morning and found Stephan curled up next to him. To hear his dad laugh again had been worth the fears that had caused Stephan to seek shelter under his dad's arms to begin with.
Sunday evening, however, that had changed. They had been preparing to head out onto the water once more when one of his father's drinking buddies, Joseph, had walked onto their campsite. Stephan had looked to his father, waiting to hear him say, "I'm sorry, I promised my son it would just be him and I. You'll have to leave." What he had heard was, "Hold on a minute Steph, I'll just say hi and then we'll be on our way."
"Do you promise, dad?" Stephan awaited the answer anxiously. This outing was supposed to just be for him and his dad; no one else, especially Joseph.
"Ya, I promise kiddo."
The brief hello had turned into a tête-à-tête when Joseph had produced a twelve pack of beer. The minutes had turned into hours while his father and Joseph loudly reminisced over how their lives had been before turn of events had given them more responsibilities in life.
The beer gradually dwindled between the two of them and Stephan wandered over to the lake, aimlessly tossing rocks into the water. He had been hoping that this time would be different, that his father would come through and keep his promise. He had been wrong. His dad cared more about wallowing in his own pity than he did caring for his son. That realization had struck him like a bullet. It was a harsh reality for an eight year old boy to discover that his father wasn't a hero.
The conversation had taken more to aimless laughter and cursing as the final two beers had been consumed. Joseph stood up and stumbled towards the lake were Stephan was sitting.
"Eh, Ste-fan," Joseph slurred, squinting to the right of Stephan as if he could see two of them. "Wah shu do'n over here? You shu'nt be by th' water."
Joseph half fell half walked a little bit closer. The smell of beer rose heavy from his breath and Stephan backed away. He could see his dad in the distance trying to make his way over to them, but it was slow going. A burning embarrassment welled up in the pit of his stomach. His friends all talked about their fathers with pride. What was his dad other than a drunk?
"Be careful Ste-fan. You migh' fall in." Joseph's tipsy walk coupled with the wet grass caused him to slip forward. He grabbed at Stephan to stop himself from doing a face plant onto the ground.
Stephan couldn't take Joseph's weight and staggered backwards, his feet also slipping. His foot slipped on a rock and he fell backwards head first into the murky lake.
He gave a brief cry of fright before he plunged underneath the cool water. The water was shallow, only five feet, but it was deep enough that it would cover Stephan's head completely if he were to stand on the bottom. Although panic threatened to take over he kept a cool head.
I've been swimming in this lake all weekend, I'll be okay. His hands touched the muddy bottom and he got his legs underneath him so he could propel himself back to the surface.
He pushed off against the mud, but instead of rocketing to the surface like he had envisioned his feet sank into the quagmire. He failed around, trying to get free, but the more he struggled the more he sank into the mud.
His lungs burned with the need for air. Joseph probably didn't even know what had happened and Stephan's dad was just as intoxicated. He would have cried if he had air to breathe, but he only had filthy water. He was going to drown and nobody was there to save him.
"We're here." Alexis' voice brought him out of his astringent recollections.
He was close enough to the water that the warm tide lapped around his ankles, soaking his feet. He jumped back as if the water had bit him. He hadn't been this close to a body of water since he was eight. The sound of the surf crashing against some rocks farther along the shoreline caused his stomach to twist in fear. He couldn't do this, he could
not do this.
"You'll be fine, I promise." Alexis' soft voice reached his ears.
Promise. If only he knew she meant it.
But I meant it when I told her I would do this. Some people may not be trustworthy, but I have to be if I want to separate myself from them. He nodded, reaching out to grip her arm.
This time I won't be in the water alone.
He took one step into the spray of the ocean. The wet sand sinking under his feet made him want to jerk back.
You're being irrational. You won't sink into the sand and get trapped. Except since when had fears ever been rational?
Five steps in now; the surf reached his knees.
I'm not going end up like dad letting my worries control my life. Ten steps in and the water swelled around his waist. His hands were shaking, his grip on Alexis' arm like steel. Five more steps and the water brushed along his shoulders.
A wave rose up and crashed over his head, soaking him. He fought the urge to run back to shore and never stop running. He muttered a curse as his adrenaline surged.
I can't do this.
"Come on, Steph, you're alright. Just focus." As Alexis' encouragement reached his ears, he tried to salvage his morale that was being washed away with every wave of the water.
"I'm going under." The words were forced from his lips and before he had time to change his mind, he dropped below the surface.
The warm water enveloped him, causing him to want to scream and thrash for the surface. He forced himself to stay under, to stay still.
The water is calmer under the surface. After a moment he released his grip on Alexis' arm and slowly let himself rise to the surface.
Alexis surfaced with him and encircled him in a hug as he took a gasping breath. "You did it!" Her smile was large enough to drown in, and Stephan didn't mind.
"I did it," he repeated quietly, a smile masking his own face.
He had done it. He had faced his fear and conquered it. He had stood up against the memory that had haunted him for twelve years and had cast it out. I've forgiven you dad. Forgiven? Where had that thought come from? That was a new word in his vocabulary:
forgiven. He liked the feeling of it.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks