Brand new JOKES Thread!

[GreyhoundGirl]

hahaha

[cassiesmom]

I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one!! And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:
You know I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Shih-tzu:
Puh-leese dah-ling, let the staff do it.

Labrador:
Oh, me! Me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Yorkie:
I won't be able to see my stunning self if that light bulb doesn't get changed.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can someone else get it? You see, I've got this hangover, and ...
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

German Shepherd:
I'll change it just as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to ensure that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?


Cat:
Pets do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

[cassiesmom]

q: What do you call a blonde standing in a closet?
a: the 1987 World Hide-and-Seek Champion

(sorry blondes, my very blonde, straight-A student niece collects clean blonde jokes! this one cracked me up!)

[Dorothy39]

[QUOTE=cassiesmom]I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
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Yes!!!! I do remember that check out line remark , and "Yes" , I received the same story in an e-mail today.(How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb )

Here's one for Lut~

Two birds are sitting up in a tree, watching the ground below.

A small turtle has worked his way back toward the tree trunk and begins to scale the mighty Oak , one more time.

Of course, the turtle falls back to the ground, yet, is determined to make his way back up to the upper branches of the tree. This goes on for well over an hour.

And then, one of the birds says to the other:


"I think it's time to tell him that he's adopted"~

[dogzr#1]

I thought this was so funny! It's kinda bad, but still funny.




10 Worst Company URLs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

[xcolbi]

HAHA! That's really funny!


A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
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Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

[BCollie_Kelly]

Liver & Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, a little Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Dorothy39]

says Dorothy39!!!

[BCollie_Kelly]

Seven reasons NOT to mess with little children

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you dosomething wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to --heck--?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, or That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

The moon??

Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other,"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend."You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said,"Sorry, I don't live around here." ************************************************** ****************
A pun

What did Cinderella say when the photo shop lost her negatives? "Some day, my prints will come".

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Men are like

Bank Accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government Bonds.They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that areleft are either handicapped or extremely small.

Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

[cassiesmom]

Q: What do you give a 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

[cassiesmom]

I heard this story on the radio today - made me laugh aloud...

A man was outside mowing his lawn when the mower stopped working. He borrowed his neighbor's mower to finish the lawn. In spite of his wife's repeated requests, he never quite got around to taking the mower to the repair shop.

His wife, frustrated with the shaggy lawn, decided to try to prove her point. She took her small sewing scissors, went outside and started clipping, blade by blade. When the man arrived, he said, "Honey, what are you doing?"

"Cutting the grass," she answered. He turned, went in the house and returned in a few minutes with an old toothbrush.

"While you're out here," he asked, handing her the toothbrush, "do you think you could sweep the driveway?"

His doctors advise that he will be able to walk again, but always with a limp.

[cassiesmom]

A piece of string goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, thanks."

The bartender replies, "Sorry, sir, but we don't serve string here."

So the string goes outside. The string stops a passerby and asks, "Here, help me get these ends crossed over themselves, and rub me against that brick wall over there." The passerby complies and goes on his way.

The piece of string heads back into the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, thanks." Puzzled, the bartender says, "Wait a minute - Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Catty1]

This baby seal walks into a club.....