joke thread

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!" the man
pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

GOOD HOUSEKEEPING

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something
closes the door from the inside.

If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

Simplify... hire a maid.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee
table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

[anna_66]

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

[anna_66]

Sad News

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how
much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Do! ugh, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


_________________________________________________


ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[anna_66]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:


"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife,

"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

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Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why is wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man
before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug. So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

A Matter Of Outlook

She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Roger and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing
the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a
traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was
planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, Roger chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at Roger's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So Roger, I guess you are going barefoot."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She
found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem.

I bought myself a new very sophisticated vibrating hair remover for
which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the
declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at
customs. Do you think you could take it through customs for me?"

"Child, I would be too embarrassed to declare and item like that!"

The young lady then said, " Couldn't you hide it under your cassock?

Then no one would ever know." "Of course I could, my child, but you
must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The
aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father,
do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
destined for use and entertainment by women, but which has never been
used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead
Father...... Next!"

[AmberLee]

Good ones, Lut!

[AmberLee]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

-----------------
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

-----------------
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

-----------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh ! my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

A duck walks into a feed store, looks up at the guy and says "Got any fish?"

Guys says "This is a feed store. We don't sell fish"..
Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles in and says "Got any fish?".

Guy says "I told you we don't sell fish. We sell feed for cows and horses". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles and and says "Got any fish?".

Guys screams at the duck "I told you we don't sell fish!!! I'm sick of you coming in and asking for it! If you come in here again I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck walks in and says "Got any nails?".

Guy says "No. We don't sell nails.".

Duck says "Got any fish?"...

[anna_66]

One morning, the manager of a large company noticed a new employee and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“John,” the new employee replied.

The manager scowled. “Look, I don’t call anyone by their first name. It leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only— Smith, Jones, Rogers—that’s all. Now that we have that straight, what is your last name?”

The new employee sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

The owner looked at him for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”

[buttercup132]

cute jokes, wow this thread has ALOT of replies!!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

That was a goodie too, Anna!!

here is another one:

Goodies

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...

True friends stab you in the front.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

A mistake should not be considered a step backwards, but considered a pause for re-direction.