joke thread

[AvaJoy]

Some great quotes, AmberLee!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

"IS YOUR MOMMY BUSY ??
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I
told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off
for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side
and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I
was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the
door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

[AmberLee]

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign outside a restaurant:

Fish $8.95
Fresh Fish $9.95

At one of my jobs, my office was near the soldering department. Whenever the supervisor held a meeting he would start it by saying "If you don't understand English, raise your hand."

How about the guy that came in and said, "Could you please look up the number for 9-1-1 so I can call an ambulance?"

[AmberLee]

Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[dogs_4_me]

Originally posted by AmberLee
Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

LMAO! 1

[amoore]

Thank you Amber Lee ! Those were sooo funny! I almost fell out of my chairlaughing while I was reading them!

[AmberLee]

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head B utt
8 . Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

(Although some people like to add Military Intelligence or Corporate Intelligence, too!)

[gini]

Daddy, how was I born?



DAD SAYS:



Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed

to a download from my hard drive.



As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither

one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late

to hit the delete button,nine months later a blessed

little Popup appeared and said:



You've Got Male!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-
clerk, and one of them says: "Could you pleash give ush a bed with
two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the
clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their
room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their
door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and
they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on
the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to
rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone
in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to
sleep in the beds!" says the first.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired
to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come and
share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."

[anna_66]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade ! from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2!

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[AmberLee]

SIGNS THAT THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF ITS WARRANTY

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"

"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes Your Honor, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."

"Thirdly Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's Model 44, the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.

[vinjashira]

Originally posted by Maya & Inka's mommy
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

er... isn't that ancient?

[Chica]

There was an American man that had a meeting in France. He met a woman that night and they had their own meeting. While they had sex, she was yelling "Trou Faux". He did not know what that meant, but he assumed it to be a praise. The next day he went golfing with some men he had a meeting with. One of the men made a hole in one. He yelled "Trou Faux". They looked at him and said "what do you mean wrong hole!"

[gini]

an old joke, but still cute.........




An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations. She loved them so much, she
couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from
the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished with their inoculations.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."