joke thread

[AvaJoy]

On Christmans morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop replies, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[anna_66]

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."



There was a lady who had triplets. Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble. One day she told the boys to go buy her some milk from the store. They set off. When they got there the walked around looking for the dairy section. Somewhere along the line a big mob of people came and Trouble got lost. Shut Up and Be Quiet went to a police officer that was buying some bread.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Since Shut Up was not cooperating he asked Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: (really getting irritated) Are you guys looking for trouble?
Shut up and Be quiet: YES, YES, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

[Nomilynn]

Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She
would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for
dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided
to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he
really likes.

In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her
husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner,
it's there waiting.

[apcrs5122]

There was a man who wanted to get his wife something exotic for her birthday. He decided to get her a parrot as she had always wanted one. He went to the pet shop looking for one. He asked the employe if they had any parrots that talked. The employe showed him a beautiful makaw that sung songs when a lit matche was placed under either foot. He decided to buy it. As soon as the wife saw it she fell in love."But wait, it does tricks!" the man exclaimed. He took a match and lit it and placed it under the bird's left foot. It started to sing "Jingle Bells". He moved the match to the right foot and the bird started singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Finally he took the match and put it between the birds legs. The bird sang "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire".

[anna_66]

Kids Advice on Love and Marriage

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE
TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom." (Judy, 8)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and a VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding.' (Darby,7)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE
TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE
IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS
OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS
ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES
NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE
A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo,9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO
ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO
KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)

[Cookiebaker]

There were 3 men who immigrated to the US. They got off the boat and each set out to learn English.

The first guy goes into a music store and he learns to say "me me me meeeee"

The second guy goes into a silver store and learns to say "forks & knives, forks& knives, forks & knives"

And the third guy goes into the candy store and learns to say "goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

So they meet together at the end of the day and are walking down the street, when they come to a dead man laying in the road. They are horrified!

All of a sudden, a police officer comes running up. "Who killed this man?"

The first man says, "me me me me me"

The cops shouts "What did you kill him with?"

The second man says, "forks & knives, forks & knives, forks & knives."

The cop couldn't believe that they were so blatant about it, so he said, "You know you have to go to jail for this, don't you?"

The third man replies, "Goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

[Tanya&Fritz]

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[AmberLee]

MONEY





It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy you Blood............But not Life

It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Thought this was gonna be one of those

"inspirational" ones, didn't you????

[ChrisH]

[anna_66]

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. ! "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

[Tanya&Fritz]

EIGHTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN
By: Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

[Edwina's Secretary]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.


As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Tanya&Fritz]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is
classic :

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the............pigs.
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.............................not much.
Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than............................pregnant!!!

[RockyRoad]

Well there is a topic about Michael Jackson going around, so I've got a M.J. joke for ya.

Once a little boy asked his father about God. He said, "Dad, is God black or white?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Is God a woman or a man?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"

LOL!

**Of course sorry if I offended anyone in any way with this joke, I thought it was pretty funny.**

[anna_66]

I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota so I think it is! It's Bismarck.