joke thread

[Cookiebaker]

Originally posted by AmberLee


"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

Ha ha ha!!! That is sooo funny!!!!

[ellensy]

that's funny

[LoudLou]

When the "Pet People" Take Over


10. "Excuse me -- could you not? My dog hates cell phones."

9. "I have you down for a table for three on Saturday night at
6:30. Will that be Shedding or Non-Shedding?"

8. Veterinary bills covered by Medicare.

7. With pooper scooper laws repealed, pedestrians start wearing plastic bags on their feet.

6. 100% of the newspaper comics devoted to cat/dog/penguin strips, up from the present 96%.

5. Cat hair on your lapel considered the ultimate fashion
statement.

4. Bob Levey's column replaced by photo-diary of Mr. Wiggles, the adorable Lhasa Apso.

3. Paid bereavement leave extended to pet-owning employees.

2. Mail carriers required to wear running shorts made of beef
jerky.


and the Number 1 Change That Will Come
When the "Pet People" Take Over...


1. "Who's a good Vice President? YOU ARE! Yes you ARE!"

[anna_66]

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the
country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were
a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were
standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck
approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to
offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The
driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his
tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug
out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He
said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into
the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their
gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped
and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think
it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Five birds were sitting on a telephone wire. The wind blew and swirled around them when the first little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly south." And, he hopped off the wire catching the breeze under his little wings. The second little bird gazed after his friend until he could not see him anymore. The wind blew and swirled around them and the second little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly

east." And, off the wire he came, grasping the wind under his wings. The three remaining little birds watched him fly away when the third little bird shouted, "My instincts tell me to fly west" and off he went into the air with a deafening squawk. The fourth little bird rustled his feathers together, preening the tip of his wings and looked up and said, "My instincts tell me to fly north" and off he flew. Several minutes later the last of the little birds (Who was a little hard of hearing) sat on the wire with the cool wind swirling about him and looked around and said "Hum! My end stinks, but it don't tell me where to go".

[Tanya&Fritz]

LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON

Dear Ma and Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none at all.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[Tanya&Fritz]

2002's Best (Actual) Headlines

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[gini]

Tanya&Fritz - those are excellent!!! They have me laughing out loud! Thanks!

[Tanya&Fritz]

An exhausted-looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

[delidog]

he "f" word

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use ... they are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton,
1999

 And ... drum roll .

 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin
Laden, 2001

[AvaJoy]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.


Man Says To God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God's Reply: "So you would love her."

Man: "But God, why then did you make her so dumb?"

God: "So she would love you."

[ellensy]

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica
to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the
three women who entered the race were a blonde, a
brunette, and a redhead. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the
worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why
it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

[Edwina's Secretary]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Buffalo, NY, the snow capital of
> > the U.S.
> >
> > One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
> > announcer
> >
> > say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
> > park your
> >
> > car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
> >
> >
> > through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
> >
> >
> >
> > A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
> > says, "We
> >
> > are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> > the odd
> >
> > numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
> > Norman's wife
> >
> > goes out and moves her car again.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
> > announcer
> >
> > says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> >
> > park...........", then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife
> > says,
> >
> > "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just
> > leave it
> >
> > in the garage this time?"

[Edwina's Secretary]

READ VERY SLOWLY - IT SOMETIMES TAKES A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE BUT THEY ARE RATHER
CLEVER!!

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

And my favorite: Subdued ...like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

[Cincy'sMom]

A guy goes into a bar with his dog to watch the Detriot Lions game. Bartender tells him, sorry no dogs allowed. Guys begs him, "Please, man! My TV is broke and I am a HUGE Lions fan! I have to see the game" BArtender finally gives in the the man and his dog sit down at the bar. Detroit gets 1st down the dog is struting up and down the bar, giving hi-5's shakin hands. The crowd loves it! Bartender says" That's preety cool! What does he do when they score"

Guy relpies, "I don't know. I've only had the dog for 5 years!"