joke thread

[DementedCat03]

century gothic 16 teal Bill gates got in a car chrash one day and died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven God was standing there waiting for him God said "Hello Bill im gonna let you chose where you want to spend for ever. " Gee God thanks" said Bill, so god and Bill first went to hell. Bill saw beautiful women runing around clear beach waters and beautiful weather. "God if this is hell then i wonder what heaven must be like!" So God and Bill took a glance at heaven, it was a high cloudy palce, with angels playing harps and flutes. So Bill Decided to go to hell and God said " As you wish bill" A week later God went to hell to see how Bill was doing, but he came to find Bill thrown against a wall flames everywhere and little demons torturing him. "God what happened to al te beautiful women, clear waters and beautiful weather???" "Oh Bill that was just a SCREEN-SAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

[Fuzzy317]

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

Q: What do you call 14 bunnies walking backward?
A: A receding hairline.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.

[Fuzzy317]

Cindy: "I’ve lost my cat!"
Rose: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?"
Cindy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read."

[Fuzzy317]

A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmation. The youngsters wondered about the dog's function.

One said, "He brings the firemen good luck."

A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work."

A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fireplug!"

[Fuzzy317]

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

[Former User]

A man spends a dollar for a lottery ticket and wins! He goes to town to claim his prize and his ticket number is verified. The man says, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replies, "Well, we give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk explains that he would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The man, furious with the clerk, screams, "Look, if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[Fuzzy317]

John was excited to finally be asked home to meet the parents of his girlfriend, Betty. Of course he was pretty nervous about the meeting, and by the time John arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner John just couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding, so a tiny little fart escaped.
"Rufus!", Betty’s mother yelled at the dog lying near John’s feet.
Since the dog was getting the blame, John let another, slightly larger one go.
"Rufus!" the mother called out sharply.
"I’ve got it made," John thought to himself. "One more and I’ll feel peachy." So he let loose a thundering big one.
"RUFUS!" shrieked the woman, "Get away from that man before he poops on you!"

[Fuzzy317]

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He limped over to the bar, ordered a drink, turned around, looked at the crowd, and announced: "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Former User]

Fuzzy, those are good, what a laugh!

[Fuzzy317]

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:


1. Your dog keeps running away, but you always know where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend’s door.

2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.

3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband’s shoes.

4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.

5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.

6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.

7. When he’s supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the "apartments for rent."

8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.

9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.

10. Your husband’s cat has been missing for days.

[anna_66]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"



BTW....very funny jokes everyone, I got a good chuckle this morning, Thanks!!!!

[lizbud]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit ?

Tame way, unique up on it.

[Edwina's Secretary]

>Pit Bull
>
>A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most
>unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
>hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
>
>Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a

>leash. Behind her was 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't
>stand the curiosity.
>
>She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so
>sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've
>never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
>
>The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What
>happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
>
>She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman
>answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the
dog
>turned on her."
>
>A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

>
>"Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>"Get in line."

(My mother-in-law is a saint but this is still funny....)

[AmberLee]

1. Once you're over the hill you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine; sometimes I even put it in the food!
3. If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan won't be evenly distributed.
5. I know that God won't give me more than I can handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
6. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
8. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
10. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
11. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
12. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
14. For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.
15. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.
16. Bills travel through the mail twice the speed of checks.
17. A balanced diet is a french fry in each hand.
18. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
19. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
20. Junk is something you've kept for years but throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
22. Experience is a wonderful thing: it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
23. By the time you make ends meet they move the ends!
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the REAL world (how true...how true!).
25. Learn from the mistakes of others; you can't live long enough to make them all yourself!