joke thread

[ChrisH]

"One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world."

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Getting into heaven
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart...

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" all the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"

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Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
Jay Leno

[Nomilynn]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him - it
will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most impor-
tantly, you have to increase your frequency of intimacy. If
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the
doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Nomilynn]

Looking for something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate an office
dare system-however to do it
properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well
read on…….

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1.Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2.Groan out load in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time).
3.Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
4.Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
say, "Just called to say I can’t talk right now.
Bye"
5.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
head
6.When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger It, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooo good!"
7.Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8.Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9.While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

1.Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with the
double-barreled fingers.
2.Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don’t want to have to repeat it".
3.Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel infront of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5.Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE-POINT DARES

1.At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice
to conclude with the singing of the national anthem
(extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2.Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off
10 times.
3.For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4.Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
5.After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent As
in "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this
up for one hour.
6.While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut
up!."
8.At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my
witness, I’ll never go hungry again."
9.In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10.Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna
trade?"
11.Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person? " Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s
gone now".
12.Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say "I can’t talk
about it".
13.Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14.Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) durning a
very important conference call.
15.Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16.Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when some
points it out.
17.Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash
each biscuit with your fist.
18.During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.
19.Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
attendee, move them according to the movements of
their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn’t enough for you here is some examples of the insane
acts you can use anywhere…

1.At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow
down.
2.Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."
3.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4.Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch
to espresso.
6.In the subject field for all your emails, write "FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS".
7.Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8.Don’t use any punctuation
9.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh histerically after they answer.

11.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12.Sing along at the opera
13.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14.Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their
party because you’re not in the mood.
16.Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "Run for your lives, they’re loose!"

[Uabassoon]

17.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time

LOL I actually did that once. My friends didn't think I would actually do it. I got a few crazy looks, but it was funny.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Subject: GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[anna_66]

Their best blocker!

[ChrisH]

Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

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Eternal Truths

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

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[anna_66]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat
she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[ChrisH]

LOL

[ellensy]

haha, funny, nothing better than a good laugh in the middle of the night! Keep 'em coming.

[Edwina's Secretary]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...... so I did.


We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy........'

And here I am."

Blond men do exist!!!!

[Tanya&Fritz]

Another day at the White House


A re-telling of the old Abbot & Costello skit "Who's on First? - updated and just hilarious!
We take you now to the Oval Office.......

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China

George: Great. Lay it on me

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China

George: That's what I want to know

Condi: That's what I'm telling you

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes

George: I mean the fellow's name

Condi: Hu

George: The guy in China

Condi: Hu

George: The new leader of China

Condi: Hu

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East

Condi: That's correct

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No

Condi: You don't want Kofi

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

Condi picks up the phone......

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[mugsy]

A flight has been delayed and passengers are lined up waiting to be rerouted when an angry passenger pushes past everyone in the line and slams his ticket on the counter and demands, " I NEED to be on THIS plane and in first class!."

The ticket agent says, "Sir, I'd be happy to help you, but you need to return to the line."

The man retorts," You don't seem to understand...do you KNOW who I AM?"

Without missing a beat the ticket agent picks up the microphone and announces to the terminal, " There is a man at window 24 who doesn't seem to know who he is. Anyone who can help him identify himself, please report to window 24."

By this time the entire line is in hysterics and the man, furious, and turning beet red, flips off the ticket agent.

Again, without missing a beat, the ticket agent responds, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to wait in line for that too."

[anna_66]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

*************************************************
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[anna_66]

YAAAAA Christmas is coming!