joke thread

[AmberLee]

Human Resources

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy guide for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.

At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

· If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
· If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
· If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
· If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
· If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
· If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
· If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
· If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
· And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

[AmberLee]

EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB
----------------
- "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

- "I was working smarter -- not harder."

- "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

- "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

- "I'm in the management training program."

- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.

- Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

- "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broke ... "

- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

- "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

- "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Waltons.)"

- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

[AmberLee]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[AmberLee]

How to screw up an interview

The top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were surveyed for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some of their true, yet ludicrous tales:

1."... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2."She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3."A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4."... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

5."Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

6."When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

7."... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

8."While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

9."During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

10."A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

11."His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

12."... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

13."Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

14."... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

15."Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

16."Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

17."Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

[AmberLee]

Résumé Bloopers



Learn from the mistakes of others: Here are a few examples of what not to include on your job application. ...


"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voicemanil."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

[AmberLee]

Real Signs:

· Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
· Maternity Clothe Shop: We are open on Labor Day
· Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
· On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
· On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
· Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
· Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
· Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
· Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
· Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
· Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
· Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome Dog food is expensive
· Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
· Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary We'll hear you coming
· Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people
· Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
· Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left
· Veterinarian's: Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!
· The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
· Beauty Shop: Dye now!
· Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
· Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
· Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
· Bowling Alley: Please be quiet We need to hear a pin drop
· Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria--Socks can eat any place they want
· Music Library: Bach in a minuet
· Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait
· Gynecologist window: At your cervix
· Travel Agency: Please Go Away

[AmberLee]

Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined
- from various sources

- - - - -
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."

Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[AmberLee]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as a common driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Those are good AmberLee.... I am gonna have to print the hormone hostage out to give to my husband.... he is a REALLY GOOD husband but ALWAYS tends to be in the dangerous

[ellensy]

LOL Good jokes!

[anna_66]

Little Margaret was not the best student in
> Sunday School. Usually she
> > > slept through the class. One day her teacher, a
> Nun, called on her while
> > > she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created
> the universe?"
> > >
> > > When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an
> altruistic boy seated in the
>
> > > chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in
> the rear. God Almighty!"
> > > shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good"
> and Margaret fell back
> > > asleep.
> > >
> > > A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is
> our Lord and Savior?" But,
> > > Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber. Once
> again, little Johnny
> came
> > > to the rescue and stuck her again. Jesus
> Christ!" shouted Margaret and
> the
> > > Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back
> asleep.
> > >
> > > Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.
> What did Eve say to Adam
> > > after she had her twenty-third child?" Again
> Johnny came to the rescue.
> > > This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If
> you stick that damn thing
> in
> > > me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
> > >
> > > The Nun fainted

[Cookiebaker]

*hee hee* Anna, that's a good one! I'm gonna share that with Mark!

[Nomilynn]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway
for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was
left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and
opened
her up further.

The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined
it
and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for
your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[anna_66]

An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL