joke thread

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.2 Mornings

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also "Waking Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.

.... continues tomorrow!

[NoahsMommy]

Randi,

I LOVE these!! I haven't checked this thread in a while and got to read them all at once!!! So funny!! Did my cats help you write these??

hee hee

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.3 Guests

a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

10.4 Laps

Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

..... continues tomorrow!

[Former User]

At McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve" was the reply. "So I can't
order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago:
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked
up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know
how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid for
the things and left.
She had no clue as to what had just happened.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"copies.

[pupper-lover]

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
> > > >
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
> > > >
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
> > > >
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
> > > >
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
> > > >
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
> > > >
Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?
> > > >



CAT LETTER TO GOD
> > > >
Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.

[gini]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by pupper-lover
[B]DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Those are so sweet!

[gini]

A creative writing class was given the assignment of writing a short essay including these four elements.

RELIGION

ROYALTY

SEX

MYSTERY

The prize winning entry read.............

'MY GOD," SAID THE QUEEN, "I AM PREGNANT,
I WONDER WHO DID IT!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

These are great.

[Former User]

Today's Garfield is cute

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

HA!! HA!!
FUNNY STUFF EVERYBODY!!!

[Randi]

Ohhh, I nearly forgot!

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.5 Confusing Them

Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.

Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.

..... continues tomorrow!

[AmberLee]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a weathered brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared!



The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...sorry! Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"



The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting with each other."



The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! Those countries have been at war for thousands of years. I may be good, but I'm not THAT good! I don't think it can be done, even by me. You better make another wish."



The woman thought for a minute and then said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate and fun, likes to cook, helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's my wish, a good mate!"



The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"

[Former User]

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's to way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

[Former User]

Ugh

[Former User]