joke thread

[Former User]

cats bed

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

7. Scratching Posts

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.

8. The Vacuum Cleaner

This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

.... will continue tomorrow!

[Former User]

oh, how true this is....

[Former User]

Ewwwwwww, I'll go somewhere else

[Former User]

Hey, gotta be prepared!

[Former User]

[Former User]

Heh heh

[Former User]

well, what is it then?

[krazyaboutkatz]

Those are great Niina.

[Randi]

The bed one hit the nail on the head! How true! Do any of us get sufficient sleep here?

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

9. Doors

To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to "encourage" you to leave.

If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.

Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.

If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you anyways.

Will continue tomorrow!

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.1 Waking Them Up

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.

One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.

If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.

Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

.... continues tomorrow

[krazyaboutkatz]

Too funny.

[Former User]

Judy walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a 'True or False' exam. She immediately reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin, she would write down an answer.
"What are you doing?," the professor asked her.
"I'm figuring out the answers," Judy replied. To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away.
When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my God!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.
"My goodness," the professor said, giving her strange look. "What on Earth are you doing now?"

"What do you think?" Judy replied. "I'm checking my answers!"

[anna_66]