joke thread

[lizbud]

Pam,
I saw that in our newspaper. Very Funny !!!
Look at the expression on the dog's faces. hee hee.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone!

[Former User]

A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said.

Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[popcornbird]

"The New Father"

One day a new mother went out to run some errands, leaving her husband in charge of their baby son for the day.

The proud father played with his son all morning, but after a few hours, the baby began to cry uncontrollably. The father tried everything he could think of to get the baby to stop - he offered him the bottle, burped him, rocked him, but nothing seemed to work and the baby just cried more and more.

Finally, the new dad became worried, and decided to take the baby to the pediatrician.

The doctor began to examine the squalling baby, not finding anything wrong. Finally, he worked his way down and undid the child's diaper. "Well, here's your problem," the doctor chuckled, pointing at the overloaded diaper. "This baby hasn't been changed all day!"

The father scratched his head, perplexed. "But..." he said, "The diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

[gini]

This was just sent to me and I thought I would add it for a new laugh!

TEN TOP DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS!

1. Yelling at me for barking...I am a dog you idiot.

2. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Who's walk is this anyway?

3. Any trick with balancing food on my nose...STOP IT!

4. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

5. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

7. Taking me to the vet for the big "snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Dog clothes....pathetic.

9. Fake fetch throws. You fooled a DOG! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

10. Blaming your gas on me. Not funny.

[Former User]

LOL Gini, that's a good one!

[zippy-kat]

The local doctor, a married man, had to leave his home in the US and go over to Germany for a medical conference. While at the conference, the doctor met up with a beautiful woman and (for one night) forgot his wedding vows.

A month or so after his return to the US, he recieves a call from the German lady. "I'm pregnant." Shocked and angered he told her not to call again. She protested, "When the time comes, don't you even want to know if you have a son or daughter?" He decides to give her his home address and tells her to send a postcard (no return address of course) with a just a few words to hint at the sex of the baby.

Several months later, his wife calls him. "Honey, you recieved the strangest postcard from Germany in the mail today."
"Really? What's it say?"

"Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut. Two with weiners, one without."

[pupper-lover]

Not a joke, but I found it amusing.


Mind Games to Play with Humans - from Sammy 'the WonderDog' Cook

1) After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good before your humans bedtime.

2) Act like a convicted criminal! When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3) Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4) Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to "pee", sniff around the entire yard, as the humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5) Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go "poo". Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6) When you go for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing everytime a strange human walks by.

7) Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8) Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't appear until your human is panic stricken and close to tears.)

9) When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10) Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your moring pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

[Kfamr]

Originally posted by pupper-lover
3) Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.


9) When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10) Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your moring pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Simba has theese ones down pact.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here are a few cartoons.

[anna_66]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[Randi]

A manual for a taperecorder, translated from Japanese started by stating:
This taperecorder has almighty functions!

... and on a paperknife:
This knife is very sharp, keep out of children!

[Randi]

A man's translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."