joke thread

[Former User]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Former User]

-When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

-What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

-What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

-Is there another word for synonym?

-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

-If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

-If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

-If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

-If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

-What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

-If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

-How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

-If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

[Former User]

I don't do mornings

[Former User]

watered

[anna_66]

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

[LoudLou]

Hilarious Signs

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

[LoudLou]

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

[lizbud]

LoudLou,

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes.

[Former User]

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

[Former User]

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

[anna_66]

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

[jackiesdaisy1935]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street, when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall shiny golden retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

"My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."



hope this hasn't already been posted on here!
Jackie, Daisy and Perry

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

GREAT JOKES EVERYBODY...... I REALLY LIKE THIS THREAD!!

[Pam]

I posted this a few weeks ago in another thread, but for those who missed it, here it is. Being a 'poodle mom' it really struck me funny!