joke thread

[Former User]

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Former User]

Reasons to stay at work all night:

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

[Former User]

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web:

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by captain


Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello... We're down here..."

Sorry to all the men on the PT board ....

as if we didn't know about the empty space between our ears.....

[Tanya&Fritz]

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened "Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

[captain]

THE RULES

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules :

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair – ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by that time you’re stuck with her.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work; obvious hints do not work; strong hints do not work. Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes at the most. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which – out of thirty pairs – would look good with your dress?

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See your doctor.

Check your oil – please!

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us: we refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done; not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus and Captain Cook did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends about it.

All men see in only 16 colours, like Microsoft default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine – really!

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

It is neither in your best interests or ours to take a quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but we really don’t mind that: it’s like camping.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Exercise for Boomers

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!

Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

[Tanya&Fritz]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little
house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

[anna_66]

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor
covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and
refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was
done... As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put
the heavy appliances back in place. The two men demanded $45 for
this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had
no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the
doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my
car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45.

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Cat, The Mice, And Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where
he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is
any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please
let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden
floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful,
fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful
new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On
Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[Tanya&Fritz]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[captain]

Caught for speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Number 2
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[wolfsoul]

Hope this one's not too dirty

Two white horses fall in the mud and three come out! haha I love that one!

The others I have are either really sick or talk about drugs, sex, etc..

[captain]

Sort of a joke .......

In my next life I want to be a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months._ I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid._ I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs._ I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.__ I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling._ He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ..... Gonna be a bear.

[anna_66]

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their
hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was
with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied
during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed,
freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep
silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y,
I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"