View Poll Results: Do you like the idea of a joke thread?

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Thread: joke thread

  1. #1231
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Dorset, England
    Posts
    3,317
    great jokes
    keep them coming!

    thanks k9krazee for the signature!

  2. #1232
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,683
    Some Country Wisdom

    1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

    2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

    3. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

    4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

    5. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

    6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

    7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

    8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

    9. Meanness don't happen overnight.

    10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

    11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

    12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

    13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

    14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

    15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.

    16. Don't corner something meaner than you.

    17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

    18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

    19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

    20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

    21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.

    22. Every path has some puddles.

    23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

    24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

    25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

    26. Never squat if you are wearing spurs.

    The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a reason for the move:

    You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  3. #1233
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Belgium, near Ghent
    Posts
    12,946

    a valentine's joke



    Valentine's Cards That Didn't Make It

    * I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
    but the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

    * Our love will never become cold and hollow
    Unless one day you refuse to swallow.

    * I bought this Valentine's card at the store
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

    * This feels so good, it feels so right.
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

    * You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class;
    especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

    * Before I met you, my heart was famished
    But now I'm fulfilled
    So make me a sandwich.

    * Through all the things that came to pass
    Our love has grown
    But so's your ass.

    * You're a honey and you're a cutie;
    I just wished you had J-Lo's booty.

    * I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point, let's do it; I'm horny.

    * If you think that hickey looks like a blister
    You should check out the one I gave to your sister.
    I miss you enormously Sydney, Maya, Inka & Zazou Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

  4. #1234
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Belgium, near Ghent
    Posts
    12,946

    Deer hunting??

    One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
    quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs
    the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head
    down to his favorite hunting area.

    He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain
    is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour.
    There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
    is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the
    TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
    weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in
    the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

    There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
    anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really
    terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
    my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"
    I miss you enormously Sydney, Maya, Inka & Zazou Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

  5. #1235
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,683
    Hee, hee. I really loved the non-PC valentine verses.

    Tried to resist posting a response. It was a pleasant thrill to see 1234 posts in this thread. Oh well, 1235 isn't bad, either!
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  6. #1236
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    2,385
    I'm laughing hard, Maya & Inka's Mom!!!

    How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children

    Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind couch and leave it there all summer.

    Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Try stuffing it into a small net bag, making sure that all the appendages stay inside.

    Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Still not on your last nerve? Try this:

    Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

    Automobile Test: Forget the BMW and buy an SUV or van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD or cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides ot the vehicle. There . . . perfect!

    Physical Test (women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove about 10 of the beans.

    Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Proceed to the nearest food store or toy store, whichever is closest. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it uninterrupted for the last time.

    Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their skills regarding discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and the child's table manners. Suggest some ways they might improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their kids to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
    AvaJoy
    =^.".^=


    Avatar courtesy of Kimlovescats . . . many thanks!
    EvErY LiFe ShOuLd HaVe NiNe CaTs

  7. #1237
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    US
    Posts
    68

    THis is a funny one

    There was some sort of british man that needed someone to paint his porch. Being the nationality he was, when he told the women that painted it, he said "Just give the porsh a nice good 2 coats" When the lady came back, and knocked on the door she said it was a Marcedes, not a porsh. ahahhahah

  8. #1238
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    US
    Posts
    68
    There was a man and he was a gambler and the only friend he had was a parrot. Since he was a gambler, he always taught the bird bad language so when his buddies came over on Thanksgiving, the bird was bad mouthing them. What the man did was stick him in the freezer for 5 minits. When he took the bird out the bird was saying "I will never badmouth no one ever again but i only have one question" What did the turkey do?

    haha get it. thanksgiving, turkey in the freezer, bird in the freezer. ahahahahha
    your human friend,

    andrea

  9. #1239
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    California
    Posts
    6,603
    lol, these are so funny!!

  10. #1240
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Ohio, USA
    Posts
    19,879
    Got Migraines?


    The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

    Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

    Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly .

    As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

    Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

    Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."


    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

    ALWAYS get a second opinion...

    Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
    Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

  11. #1241
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    4,727
    I hope these aren't to bad. If they offend anyone PLEASE let me know and I will delete them.

    Jumping On The Bed


    A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her
    bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched
    her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how
    ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

    The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I
    don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
    the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

    The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year
    old ass?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied.




    A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life
    > that when she married, she was to please her husband
    > and never upset him. So the first morning of her
    > honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of
    > bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
    > husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big
    > fart.
    >
    > She looked up and said:
    >
    > "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
    > happy, back hole laugh out loud...

    Thank you Kay for the beautiful sig!

    "We can judge the heart of man by his treatment of animals"

    ~Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower~

  12. #1242
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
    Posts
    5,207
    ROTFLMAO

    Anna and JadaPit - those were GR8
    M!
    "No dog is born either vicious or friendly, but rather a blank slate that is moulded, for better or worse, by the owner."

  13. #1243
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    2,385
    So funny! Thank you for sharing! Great to start the day with a laugh!
    Here is a cute one that was sent to me. :
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  14. #1244
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    3,448

    Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our life whole

  15. #1245
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Belgium, near Ghent
    Posts
    12,946
    A Birthday Wish

    A man walks into the closet to speak to his wife while she is rummaging through her clothes and asks her what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

    Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
    Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake!

    Then it was off to a movie - the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

    One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

    The moral of this story:

    Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
    I miss you enormously Sydney, Maya, Inka & Zazou Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

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