Opinions...please help...

[caseysmom]

As some of you may remember my brother passed away 7-30. I took in my 22 year old niece. I have just about had it! She has not washed one dish and has me doing all her laundry, she just brings out a big pile once a week and dumps it outside the laundry room and leaves it.

Yesterday I told her I did her laundry but from now on she needed to do it. Then she wanted to bake something to take to this intern she is doing. She had me go buy the stuff and wouldn't even go with me, she has a car and money. She brough some cookie cutters home from her dads house, its empty we are selling it. Anyhow she says these need to be washed, I said guess what there's the dish soap and there's the sponge, your 22 go for it.

She then left flour and dirty dishes all over the kitchen and went in her room, I went in there and said are you done in the kitchen, she said yes. I said you need to clean it up.

Then I found she used magic eraser on my wooden kitchen table...by the way I had gone in during the cookie making demo and she had all the cookie dough directly on the table...no cutting board or anything.

She asked me to buy her contact solution....several people are sending checks for her to help her after her dad died, they address the envelope to me and the check to her. I left her one of the checks in her bathroom with a note that says to give me 22.00 of this since you had me buy your contact solution.

One check was made out for me and she said "your putting that in my account right" but she won't buy a damn thing, I have had it! I really think something is wrong with her, I have had 1 thank you in 6 weeks and no pleases at all.

[Cataholic]

Something is wrong with her. I think you might look into some joint counseling, if you intend to have her live with you. I can barely remember 22, and, certainly not the death of my father factored in. While I understand how frustrating this must be for you, and, you lost your brother, too, if somehow you can relate to what she obviously has not had during her lifetime (it doesn't sound like someone ever gave her a guiding hand in life), it might get better.

And, wherever did you buy contact solution for $22? Mine costs about $3! He he he.

[caseysmom]

Something is wrong with her. I think you might look into some joint counseling, if you intend to have her live with you. I can barely remember 22, and, certainly not the death of my father factored in. While I understand how frustrating this must be for you, and, you lost your brother, too, if somehow you can relate to what she obviously has not had during her lifetime (it doesn't sound like someone ever gave her a guiding hand in life), it might get better.

And, wherever did you buy contact solution for $22? Mine costs about $3! He he he.

I went to costco and got a mutli pack of boston advance 2 4 oz bottles and 1 bottle of cleaner. IT was 21.79 plus tax. I guess what really bothers me is she acts like she is better than us or something, and she is so unappreciative and just expects things. I don't mind helping but she starts hovering at dinner time, never helps at all, she expects me to make her lunch for work she flops on the couch and hogs the tv all night and doesn't even move her legs when you walk over to sit down.

[catnapper]

I don't envy the spot you're in.

This is what I'd do:
She dumps the laundry by the laundry room? You pick it up and dump it back in her room, with the explanation that she is to do her own laundry, one load at a time like the rest of the family. She dumps it back at the laundry room without even attempting ot wash it herself? Toss it onto the front porch. Works like a charm.

As for the tv at night? Hit the circuit breaker. No electricity = no tv.

You're going to feel like the Wicked Witch of the West but its something that has to be done in order to get through to her. Talking and rationalizing hasn't gotten you anywhere, as I'm sure neither has screaming and shouting. Now is time for action.

If you consistently let her know that you're here to help her through this tragedy, not be her servant, then she'll either get the hint and clean up her act or leave. Either way she'll learn an important life lesson. Staying will help her grow in a caring and nurturing environment and she'll finally learn that a family helps each other. Leaving will help her realize just how much responsibility she's ignored in life, and that life doesn't revolve around her.

[caseysmom]

Thanks Kim. Its just hard for me to relate, I was married at 22, had a job, paid my own bills and did all my own housework.

She sits and watches fox news, bad mouths democrats (she knows we are more democrat than republican) when she was a teen for fun she taped rush limbaugh and listened to him.

I don't want her here. When my brother died she told the coroner I will go live with her and pointed at me, she never asked me and I never asked her. The coroner was ready to put her in adult protective custody because the house was so disgusting and the coroner said she didn't think she could be on her own.

I don't know what else to do with her, her mom's side of the family has stayer clear away and my sister doesn't want any part in it, she has always thought they were really rude.

[lizbud]

I have had it! I really think something is wrong with her, I have had 1 thank you in 6 weeks and no pleases at all.

I honestly thought you already knew that. You said as much when you first talked about her in your other thread. She is the girl you felt that was socially
backward & slow about understanding things?

She needs to learn a lot of things about life & how to get by by doing
everyday things for herself.(Things most kids learn in grade & high school)
Someone has to take on the job to teach her these simple things. Either
she learns them from you or maybe she would do better in a group home
type enviroment. It may take years & a lot of patience.

[caseysmom]

Lizbud, Okay in my mind I knew that, now I am living it and need to vent ...sorry it helps to talk to my friends on here.

[jazzcat]

Okay, from your first post I didn't think she could do much of anything for herself and when you posted now that she has a job, a car and can drive I was like . Does she truly have a mental disability or was she just brought up to have someone cater to her every need and never made to do anything. I would think that someone who is bright enough to get a driver's license could wash dishes and laundry. I would think it would just be a matter of showing her how it is to be done since she is obviously bright enough and then laying down the law to make her do it. Also I would not buy things for her anymore, have her do that herself.

You need to help her learn how to function on her own but not at the expense of your family and your health. There needs to be rules and boundaries for her. Maybe I'm off base never having dealt with this but I'm still just floored at the things she is able to do and the things it sounds like she just plain won't. Probably a very good thing I'm not dealing with this, I don't think I could handle it.

(((HUGS)))

[caseysmom]

Jazzcat, that is the wierd thing and my best friend is and me can't get a grip on it either.

She is very bright book wise, just passed her pharmacy tech exam, she didn't tell me I saw the cert in her room. She interns and hopefully they will hire her..she drives her dads car and I have asked her 10 times to go get the oil changed and that stumps her. It is wierd. I know my brother didn't do that much for her after his wife died, they were both lazy and the house just didn't get cleaned, they were going to condemn the house.

[Karen]

At this point, six weeks in, I'd have a major sit-down conversation with her. Prepare a list of "Household Rules" like a contract she needs to agree to and sign if she is going to continue living there. Include things like:

1. You must do your own laundry
2. If you use a room, like the kitchen, you need leave it in the same condition you found it
3. "Magic eraser" is not to be used on the following surfaces (list)
4. Meals are your own responsibility. (Or make some rule up about - you don't mind cooking if she does all the clean-up, or some other deal) she can pay, even.

You get the idea. Print out your proposed rules, and if she won't agree to them, discuss and negotaite a new set. If she won't do that, she needs to find her own place to live.

[jazzcat]

I think Karen is right on and also be prepared to "add" to the rules as certain situations arise.

[caseysmom]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Not sure how I could tell her to leave, she has nowhere to go so I guess I need to bite the bullet and lay down the law. I just have my hands full trying to get my teens to do things and I bet she thinks well if they don't neither will I ....HELLO your not my kid and your 22. My kids have been careful to help and say thank you in front of her but she still doesn't get it.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

I also agree with Karen. If she has it clearly written down what is expected of her, she can't prented to be igorant about it. If she continuously refuses to do what you reasonably ask, I wouldn't feel inclined to keep her there. She is 22 and is definately old enough to be taking care of herself.

I'm only 23, but last year I was graduated from college and taking care of myself, as I did all through college. Obviously, everyone is different but someone did her a terrible disservice by allowing her to be so immature.

[BC_MoM]

She's 22. Kick her out? If people are helping her out, I'm sure she can live in an apartment or something.

You sound like how I would be.. don't let her push you around and use you as her maid!!

Tell her if she doesn't start pulling her load, she's out.

[caseysmom]

I can't really just kick her out, she has some problems. Her brother is severly autistic so I think she may have it mildly or something. At this point I just can't kick her out its not in me.