For Tok

[howl4metok]

For our dear "Mr. Tokers".


It's already been 6 months. Your bed is still here, your bowls empty in their place. I haven't had the heart to put anything away.
Tikaani has finally started to smile and play again, young Teekon has helped her through. Still we find her, time to time, laying on your blanket with sad eyes, sniffing your scent. Sometimes late at night she wanders to your old spots and looks for you, just in case you should return. But we all do that, hoping that somehow, if we hope enough, that you'll be there.
It helps us all to know that you are finally free, no more weakness, and no more pain. No more fighting a losing battle. DM can't touch you where you are now, running through the heavens, howling through the night.
It's a comfort to know that you knew a happy life before you had to go. I hope those people know what they lost when they left you in the cold. I hope they suffer the way they let you suffer. I'm greatful to have had a chance to see that wonderful light appear in your eyes, to see you run and play and howl. I'm glad you knew happiness, heaven knows you deserved it. I know I wasn't perfect, I'm sure I made mistakes. But you were always so greatful, no matter how I screwed up. I suppose what I really should be saying is Thank you, thank you so much for making me smile, and making life that much happier. As hard as it is to say goodbye now, I will never regret a single day with you. You were well worth the pain.
Bless you Tok, be free and smile every chance you get. Never let that light go out.
Until we meet again,
Love always and forever,
Your family.

[robroy20]

Hello Jen and Pack,Not knowing you I wish I did.You would be the kind of people that I would enjoy being around.As for Tok yes you were the lucky one for knowing him.Indeed we do owe our pets a life time of love.It looks like both of you kept up your end of the deal.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I lost Jeb.Today has been a tough day for me.Jeb and Tok are having a great day playing at the bridge.And one day we all will play with our furbabies again....I will go now....Hi Dot.....Bob

[Dorothy39]

How wonderfully brave of you to post your intermost thoughts about this dog!!

I have kept a journal since 1991, no one has ever read the entries--- when I lost two dogs. I have just read yours, online!!! Such a beautiful tribute.

Believe me, as I type, Your willingness to share your feelings to the world helps so many of us out her in cyberspace. Wish I could hug you .


I"d also like to thank Bob, for mentally showing me "Rainbow Bridge"

Thanks Bob

[Dorothy39]

I have to share with you something that I read on a website when I typed. "My dog Died" into the google browser.


We learn from our animals--

Animals are not afraid to die, they show us that the end of life can be faced without fear.They teach us to accept death as an opening for love and wonder.


My dog, Foxy Jean, tried so hard to teach me this while she was dying. i just did not want her to die. But,

She died, in December, 2005. When we allowed her to go outside, just hours before she passed away, she swiftly trotted to the pine trees around our yard, secluding herself underneath the boughs, next to the trunk.

My son had to coax her out ,and he brought her back inside. Afterward, she asked to go outside again, and went underneath another pine tree in the back yard.

I had to get a flash light and get down on my hands and knees with it just to see her, and make her come back into the house. Foxy Jean was not at all afraid to die!!!! I took my snowsuit off after placing her onto the dining room floor, then, picked her back up and held her on my lap, just a half hour before she actually passed away. She was holding onto life, just for ME!!! Stupid me!!!

Foxy Jean taught me about death on that cold December evening. It is not an end, it is a new beginning, and one that we don't understand.

We grieve the loss of our parents, as well as Aunts, Uncles, friends, and the likeness of our past, but Animals , though they cannot talk, teach us not to fear death.

And, not to look back upon them with pity. I Thank God for what Foxy Jean taught me. I hope my words help you to heal.

[pitc9]

Jen, I had tears running down my face as I read your post.
Tok is at peace now and will never be hurt again.....
run free Tok... until you meet again.

[howl4metok]

We learn from our animals--

Animals are not afraid to die, they show us that the end of life can be faced without fear.They teach us to accept death as an opening for love and wonder.

Wow, thanks for sharing that!
It reminded me quite vividly of the night we lost Tok. Of all the members of the pack, Tok was the oldest and also the weakest as a result of years fighting DM. He'd lost weight and often times food didn't always agree with his delicate system. For a few days I'd noticed he was not really eating much and when he did eat he got anxious and usually got sick before settling down. I was concerned, but never expected things to go south so violently.
As it turned out, the food we were using, Diamond maintenance, was contaminated. Tok's reaction was very quick, accelerated because of his condition. The symptoms caused by the food (ie; vomiting, diarreah, etc) combined with his weight loss, made for the perfect environment for his stomach to flip. He bloated.
I knew something wasn't right, I could read Tok like a book and I knew right away something was wrong. Everyone told me I was over-reacting, but still I called every vet I could find in the book at 11pm on a Saturday night. The only one who answered was 20 miles away.
My husband told me that if it would make me feel better, if I was really that worried, to go ahead and take him. Dean stayed home with the pack and the baby. I let Tok out to see if a potty break would help, and he disappeared into the night.
I got a flashlight and looked for him and finally found him on the opposite end of the enclosure, digging a hole. The sight alone terrified me. I paniced. Tok had never done something like this before, he was digging deeper and deeper, like a crazed animal, panting. When his legs gave out he'd collapse into the hole head first, breathe deeply a few breaths, then resume his digging.
The only thing I could think was "Oh my God!, He's digging his own grave!"

Dean helped me get him away from his hole and into the car. as i drove to the vet well over the speed limit, Tok began to whine. That in turn had me in tears. I promised him I'd get him there, that I'd make it better and save him. I still didn't know what was wrong, but I knew he was starting to hurt badly.
Finally I got to the vet, left the car running and ran inside for help. They took Tok in the back for x-rays. As they did I noticed now that during the car ride his abdomen had swollen. I told them that was not right, that something was wrong.
A moment later a vet told me, Tok had bloated. He tried to explain to me what it was, and all I could say was, "how do we fix it, what do I have to do to save him?"
He explained that in Tok's condition, he may not survive surgery, and if he did may never recover. I didn't hear that part, instead I began making phone calls to scrape up the $2000. for his surgery.
They brought Tok to me then, they said they couldn't calm him, he was snapping and crying out. When he saw me he struggled to walk to me and as he always had, he layed his head against my stomach. Finally he quieted. He just stood there, against me, trying to breathe as calm as he could.

That was when I knew he was telling me it was time. I called my husband right then and told him that we had to let him go. I never thought I'd be able to let Tok go, I always swore he'd be allowed a peaceful death at home when the time came, but I just loved him too much to leave him suffer. I had to think of him, not me. Dean said only to kiss him for everyone, and tell him he was loved by all. He made me promise to hold him as he passed, as if it was even a question.

A neat thing about Tok. When I first picked him up when he'd been surrendered by his owners years ago, as isolated and neglected as he'd been, the first thing he did was walk up calmly to greet me. When I knelt to get a good look at this filthy shadow of a dog, he bowed his head and pressed his face against me, like a hug. He stood that way for a long time as I pet him. I was told he'd never done that before, but he did it routinely afterward. That was Tok's trademark, if he really liked you, you got a hug.

I will never forget that. As I told the vet to end Tok's pain, and he prepared the medications, Tok stood face to face, looking at me as if to say "your doing right, Mom, I'm not afraid and it's time to say goodbye.."
As if he knew exactly what was going on, as the vet knelt beside him, Tok "Hugged" me again, one last time, and he continued to hug me until the first injection caused his legs to give out. Then he layed down in my lap and rolled his head to look at me with the last of his strength. I held him close and told him I loved him as he closed his eyes. Then came the second injection. And finally he was gone, no more pain.

I was so hard to let him go, but yet easier to deal with I think, because he showed me he was ready, he asked me to let him go, and he said goodbye as only Tok could. I only wish I'd spared him those 15 minutes I took trying to save him. If only I hadn't been so selfish trying to buy time.

When I got home, with Tok wrapped in a blanket, I found my husband in the kitchen, with Tok's pack. He had collected several pictures of Tok from around the house and set them in a sort of memorial on the table. He was drinking scotch. I told him about how brave and prepared Tok had been, and that he said goodbye to everyone. He actually smiled for a minute.

Tok had been a sort of father to the pack, and even when he grew weak he was still respected and spoiled and pampered by all. We'd heard that pack members often need a chance to greive, to know what happened. That way they don't spend their days searching anxiously for their missing companion.

We brought Tok in, put him on his bed wrapped in his favorite blanket. It was hard to watch Tikaani. She was most affected. She licked at his face to try and wake him. Then she sat next to him and whimpered. Finally she curled up to him and there she stayed for quite a while, until we finally pulled her away. Hours later we buried him.
Tikaani didn't eat for days, and constantly went back to the spot where Tok had been layed. She just layed there, greiving. No playing, no howling.
After a week or so she howled again, but it was a sad howl, I could hardly even bear to listen. The rest of her packmates did not join in on those howls. It was not a call for play or celebration. She was calling to him. They didn't interrupt her.
She's her normal self now, 6 months later, unless Dean or I says Tok's name in conversation. When she hears it she goes searching the house for him, until she finally ends up in his bed cuddling his blanket. It's so profound to see it, to think she still remembers, and still greives. That an animal can love for so long, even after death.
And as for Tok's hole, the deep one he dug that night, I put a board over it, to keep it from filling in. Whatever the reason he dug it like he did, I haven't the heart to fill it up.

[pitc9]

Jen, I read your post a while ago, and have just now stopped crying enough to type. OMG..... My heart goes out to you and your pack.

[Dorothy39]

I will type my reply later. Right now, it would just be too hard to find the words.

[Dorothy39]

Tears were running down my cheeks, down my neck, while I read your latest post. I have blocked a lot of harsh memories during those last hours during Foxy Jeans" life, and , your post , anchored me in the chair in front of my computer.
Wow, I am experiencing something now, something that I thought was hidden . You are so up front, and so personnal with your pain. I tend to deny those memories. Those, Flash Light memories.

Because, being older now, I knew what was going on that night.I really knew that Foxy was going to die. Dam!!! I chose to "block out the memories of those horrid last days .And then, you used a flash light on ME when I read your post.
Thank You .I sure did need your reply.

As it was, on December 22nd, 2005---
We had an appointment the next day, to put Foxy Jean down.Oh well, Foxy Jean helped me to avoid that experience altogether when she died on my bed instead.

I cried so hard when I read about Tok being eased from his pain. About his hugs good-bye.

And, also about your dog who grieved afterwards.

You vividly posted those last moments with Tok. For all the world to read.

You are so brave to have submitted this tribute for TOK on a forum!!!!

You have acknowledged my inner most pain, a memory that I guarded,and thought I had successfully blocked. Tok was digging, digging, digging.And, Foxy was always trying to find a place to hide from me, so she could just die. She was not affaid to die at all.

Foxy Jean was my gift from God!!!! Thank-you for helping ME to understand her so well.

[robroy20]

When I read the post about Tok and the hole he dug ,and how you were with the flash light.It brought up my past and all the doggies I had.How many times have we all went out to the barn or wherever to look for our buddy or the old girl and found them the way they wanted to leave this world and take the journey to the R.B.Theres so much more I want to say but Sissy is doing her begging thing.You know where she sets on her but and takes her front legs and begs.She is still there looking at me..
I will go now....Bob

[dawnph]

I am so sorry for your loss. My Cole had his first bloat 6/11/06,had surgery,was doing great until last friday he went in to severe shock when his stomach flipped again and i couldnt save him. i so feel your pain. your Tok and my Cole are playing at RB waiting til the time that we will all be together again.

Cole's mom

[howl4metok]

Foxy Jean was my gift from God!!!! Thank-you for helping ME to understand her so well.

Trust me, I'm as amazed as you are at what we can still learn from our furbabies even after they've gone.
When I lost a dear Golden Retreiver, Sandy, many years ago I was crushed. I locked it in and pushed it away and somehow it never made it easier to deal with. It certainly made it worse. I was afraid to say that I was greiving for a dog, I was certain no one could understand that a dog could make such an impact.
but they can.
A bit older now with other dogs and a family to care for, it all may have helped keep me grounded. Mostly my husband, also decended from a long line of dogs, helped me see I wasn't alone in missing Tok, and that is was ok to be open about how I felt. It really helped me to remember Tok for the better times, and know it's ok to be sad about losing him. If someone thinks its foolish to be so attached to a dog, I don't care. Their loss, not mine.
Now, instead of trying to push it away, I'm letting myself grieve and also allowing myself to be happy and greatful for the time we had. It's nice to be able to focus on something besides how he died.
It has helped so much.

[howl4metok]

I am so sorry for your loss. My Cole had his first bloat 6/11/06,had surgery,was doing great until last friday he went in to severe shock when his stomach flipped again and i couldnt save him. i so feel your pain. your Tok and my Cole are playing at RB waiting til the time that we will all be together again.

Cole's mom

I heard about Cole. A handsome Great Dane mix. Knowing how horrible bloat can be, I can't imagine living through it twice in such a short time, with the same poor puppy. I'm so sorry Cole's last days were less than peaceful. At the very least his pain is gone. I know it's of some comfort to me to think that Tok will never know pain again.

[cyber-sibes]

(((hugs))) This thread is so sad, yet so beautiful...too many tears to type through right now, but thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.