Glad I finished my coffee before reading that, Wom. :p
Printable View
Glad I finished my coffee before reading that, Wom. :p
THE DOT
http://i970.photobucket.com/albums/a...004/Thedot.png
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington DC has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical Computer advice.
__________________
The dot. LOL John that is so funny
No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!
No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!
No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!
A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
:)
WOMAN PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old! She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, said,
"Well, does she still have the hiccups?"
What's the difference between Vancouver and Greece?
Greece doesn't have a hockey team.
And now, a dog joke told by a co-worker's son, who is 8 and loves animals--
Q: What did the German Shepherd get when he graduated from college?
A: A dog-gree! :rolleyes:
One Sunday morning little Alex was at church with his mom and dad. While they were talking to other congregants little Alex stood looking at the copper plaque on the wall. The Pastor was standing next to him when Alex looked up and said, "Pastor, what's that?" while pointing to the plaque. The Pastor told him it's a memorial to the people who died in the service. After a few moments Alex said, "Pastor, did they die at the 9:00 or the 11:45?"
How It All Began--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called
Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
And that's how it all began !
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP Station :D
Investment Tips for 2011
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some
BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2011:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
http://rightwingnews.com/graphics/il...censeplate.jpg
This just cracked me up when I saw it!
Hehe this one comes from the Hangover 2, couldn't resist.
What do you get when you mix a Shihtzu with a Bull Dog?
A Bullshit :p haha
An Airplane Story....
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book. :D
:) LOL Wom on your Airplane Story.. That was a Good One..
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable
Grace - roflmbo!!!
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
http://img1.imagehousing.com/43/703a...649af444e2.jpg
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!
Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that **** in Texas."
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands
would be found in all corners of the world.
``And then he made the earth round``.
Posted by Husky Mom on Facebook:
Quote:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
At a wedding party recently someone yelled -
"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death . . . !!!
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacVavrek who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.....
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
http://img1.imagehousing.com/30/dc1c...841d8e43d8.jpg
Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light
Got this in an email. It's been around before, but worth repeating. :)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than the other possibility, German.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, vevil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer,ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forstplas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'