10 rules for pampered pets
Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday....
Everyone knows that veterinarians do their best work early in the week. And no pampered pet wants their eye job or tummy tuck done by someone who is tired and cranky.
Keep your leash on....
Never let your human pressure you into removing your leash until you are good and ready.
If it itches, don't scratch it....
Especially avoid scratching at the opera, in a limo and while accepting your Oscar.
No matter how desperate you are, don't beg....
Instead, go for the direct approach -- a cold nose against any warm part of the human anatomy usually gets immediate attention.
Don't allow yourself to be dressed up....
Once you pose in clothes, it will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to hold your head up as you walk into a room full of your peers.
Stare at people until they back off....
A stare is a simple, straightforward way of letting your person know that you know who's in charge here --- you, of course.
Don't expect a human to change....
Due to their inferior brain capacity, humans are only capable of changing three things --- their minds, their underwear, and lanes on the freeway.
No heavy petting....
Heavy petting increases your chances of Canine Pattern Baldness, not to mention the fact that once you let a person pet you, he or she will always want more, more, more!
Remain aloof....
Fake it if you have to.
If your person attempts to suggest that you
do certain things, such as "Hop in the pet carrier," it is up to you to remind them who actually wears the collar in your household.
FOLLOW THIS 12-STEP PROGRAM:
Step 1. Get them to admit they have a problem.
Step 2. Get them to apologize to you.
Step 3. Get them to bring you gifts.
Steps 4-12. Repeat Steps 2-3.
