ahahahahaha har har ahahaa
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
" Well, I guess I just panicked "
A new supermarket opened here recently.
It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.
In the sea-food area the scent of salt water and the sound of waves lapping a...t the shore and sea gulls calling over-head.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked read & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Q: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was sitting on the deck ...
(rim shot)
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man
gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain, is
asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3:00 on the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked the wife
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says the wife.
“Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still here?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer. “do you still need a push?” call out the husband. “yes, Please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
A gentle Halloween joke...
Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!
:rolleyes:
A man turned on his computer and was horrified to read:
YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH THE AMISH VIRUS!!!!!
Until he read:
Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus depends on the honor system. Please start deleting all your files immediately.
Thank you.
Two Aussies, Bob and Wombat, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Wom stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the
lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Wom immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean
into Fosters beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Bob looked disgustedly at Wom whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Bob said,
"Nice going Wom! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Walter and Thibodeaux had served in the Military together, but when they got out, Walter returned to Colorado, and Thibodeaux to southern Louisiana.
One day, Walter was reading the paper, and saw where they had widened the Bayous for two way traffic, in the Parish that Thibodeaux lived in, and called him.
Tee-Boy, Walter ask, WHY in the world have ya'll been widening your Bayous,
those Pirogue you row around in, aren't that big !
Shoenough Walt, Thibodeaux said, it ain't for de Pirogue,
it be fo de Alligators !
Have a good Day ! :)
S.W.
This should prove helpful to everyone -
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
> ----->Giving Up Chocolate
>
> I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
> I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
>
> 'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
>
> 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
>
> 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
>
> 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
>
> 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
>
> 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
>
> The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
>
> I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
>
>
> Now don't laugh.
>
>
>
>
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ???
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL
UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!
@Lizbud...omg. I can now retire for the evening, with laughter in my heart. :)
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psyc't. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
How much do you charge?'
Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
SCREW THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
---------------------------
There were probably many, many times this year when I may have.....
Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you....
Suck it up Cupcake! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011
Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs!
I heard this joke today and I have to admit, it took me a minute!
Why don't acrobats perform in the winter?
Because they only do somersaults!
AIRPORT SCREENING STATISTICS
Year to date statistics on TSA airport screening -
from the Department of Homeland Security:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
AIRPORT SCREENING STATISTICS
Though those numbers are fairly accurate,
don't forget that 11 of those people were individually responsible,
for having 4 or more of the noted items.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
A: I'm stuck on you!
(:rolleyes:)
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And now, a St. Patrick's Day joke...
Q: Why did the guy from Chicago start speaking with an Irish accent on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because he wanted to go for brogue.
(groan)
A henpecked husband who's had a few is driving home one night when he's pulled over by a police officer.
"Excuse me, sir; may I ask where you've been tonight?"
"Why, out for an evening, officer," stammers the man.
"That's what I thought," says the officer. "It looks like you've had a little too much to drink this evening."
"That's possible," answers the driver.
"Did you realize," asks the police officer, folding his arms across his chest, "that your wife fell out of the car two traffic lights back?"
"Oh, thank heavens," the man sighs in relief. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
So a Pi Day joke...
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
Pi a la mode
(I :love: ice cream!)
Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........!!"
Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?
You can hide your own Easter eggs. :p
Not really very funny or appropriate to post here, especially since there is at least one PT member whose father has this heartbreaking disease. :( Maybe it wouldn't be so amusing if you had to live with it and care for a loved one everyday who is afflicted with it. :mad: