Paddy's Last Night- August 19, 2012
I can barely see through my tears as I write this. I had to make a decision last night that was so difficult, I literally didn't know what to do. The last ferry off this island was at 10:10 and if I didn't catch it, Paddy would have suffered all night long trying to breathe. I loved him too much to let that happen. I just couldn't bear it.
The vet felt that Paddy was shutting down and suggested buprenorphine to make him comfortable until he died. The Furosomide was kind of a last ditch effort in case he had fluid on his lungs. On Saturday when the vet listened to Paddy's lungs and heart, they were clear. And the fluid build up in his belly wasn't that much more, maybe even the same as they were on Saturday so I don't know if fluid was even the cause for his struggling to breathe. The vet thought it was due to his low red cell count and he wasn't getting enough oxygen.
I couldn't believe that he could be diagnosed with hyperthyroidism only a month or so earlier and was now struggling to breathe and suffering liver failure. As 9:30 approached, I was pacing back and forth because I was now facing moments before I would have to leave to catch that last ferry and was trying to figure out what to do. I feel that if we had lived closer to more clinics that were equipped to give him the initial round the clock care he needed, I'd still have Paddy now.
I called the vet and told him I'd be at the clinic just before 11:00pm. to have him put down. I could not fathom the idea of giving him the Buprenorphine every hour as the vet suggested basically trying to euthanize my own cat. What if it didn't work. What if his reaction was to keep getting up suddenly and walking 2 feet only to collapse, which is what he was doing. I'd have to watch him do that all night long possibly.
While I packed an overnight bag for myself I asked my husband to stay with Paddy. When I got back into the room I saw that he had pulled the ottoman up close to Paddy and was sitting on it and was brushing him. Paddy was looking Scott right in the eyes as if he was thanking him for his kindness. Paddy was very fond of him. Our other cats were gathered around the two of them and it was quite a sight. I wanted that moment to last forever but we had to go if we were to catch the last ferry.
By 9:35 Paddy was still so uncomfortable. He was making a little gasp sound every 1-2 seconds with a kind of click sound with his mouth slightly open. Because I knew I was taking him to be put down, I gave him another dose of the Bupe to try and make him more comfortable. My husband said goodbye to him and Paddy and I left for yet another trip to the vet, this time our last. Scott had to stay home with our dogs and other cats who would not have been able to stay in the hotel.
The half hour drive was scary, I was swerving to miss raccoons and deer the whole way. And, like now, I was crying so much I couldn't see very well. I was talking to Paddy trying to explain to him why I had been so awful to him for the past week, syringing food into him every 2 hours when it was the last thing on earth he wanted. I had been his loving caregiver for 5 of his 15 years and always handled him so gently but I feel that I scared him this last week. He shrank when I came near him when it was feeding time, as if he was trying to disappear. This is my biggest regret and one that I don't know I'll ever get over. I just hate it. I'm so worried that he thinks that I was being cruel to him for no reason and of course it's the exact opposite but how could he know? I hope he knows now.
I know this will pass, as I've had to say goodbye countless times to animals as I've always had them in my life but I'm just no good at this and it never gets easier. Sometimes I wonder why I have animals because this part is simply unbearable.
I was the only vehicle on the little ferry last night and as we pulled away from the dock and they shut all the lights off and we moved slowly through the dark water, it was the lonliest I think I've ever been, probably for Paddy too. But I do know that trying to sedate him with the Bupe all night long would have been the wrong decision because even as we neared the terminal on the other side, he was still popping up and trying to move around and at one point made a long, moaning sound. This would have gone on all night I'm guessing and that would have been the wrong choice. The only thing I don't know is if this was due to a combination of Bupe and Cerenia (the Bupe given at 12:30 pm. and the Cerenia at 5:00 or 6:00 I think). I don't know if it was the pumpkin I mixed in with his food? I just don't know. I'm horrified at the thought that this could have been a bad reaction to the two drugs and that perhaps it would have passed but the rushed decision due to the ferry caused me to have to make a decision and I'll never know if it was right. All I knew was that he was having great difficulty breathing and something had to be done.
The vet was very kind and told me that he really wanted to give me credit for trying so hard to save him. I told him that I probably tried too hard and he thought that I should have because sometimes it can be turned around. He gave the injection to Paddy in his back leg and he gave one last gasp and I kissed him on his face at the same time. It was awful. But it was over. I'll miss you forever sweet Paddington.
Below are some links to some photos and 2 short videos of Paddy. The first two photos are of Paddy with our cat Wally dutifully staying by his side. One taken the day before yesterday and the other, moments before we left last night. He used to groom Paddy as well. The other 2 photos are of Paddy with me in the garden. He liked to hang out in there with me. And the videos are from a few years ago, you'll see how big he was. My husband is petting him and Paddy is thoroughly enjoying it. I'm the animal person for the most part but my husband has such a good touch with them and they all adore him. :0)
Paddy and Wally day before yesterday:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_9718.jpg
Paddy and Wally last night:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_9721.jpg
Paddy getting the rubdown from Scott. Paddy opens his mouth at the end because he's frisky and wants to bite Scott's hand:
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/d...t=MVI_4286.mp4
Paddy making biscuits in the air with his paws while he enjoys his petting session:
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/d...t=MVI_4284.mp4
The two of us in the garden:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/433.jpg
Paddy enjoyoing the fruits of his labor:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/781.jpg
Paddy laying on his back, a position he used to like alot but didn't lay like this for the past few years though:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/159.jpg
Paddy and our other cat Jimmy chillaxing together. Both in Rainbow Bridge now. Perhaps laying like together like this on a green pasture in heaven. :0)
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_3855.jpg
Thanks for reading and viewing. Looking at these photos and clips has really helped to remind me that there were many more good times than bad. He was such a special guy.
The vet felt that Paddy was shutting down and suggested buprenorphine to make him comfortable until he died. The Furosomide was kind of a last ditch effort in case he had fluid on his lungs. On Saturday when the vet listened to Paddy's lungs and heart, they were clear. And the fluid build up in his belly wasn't that much more, maybe even the same as they were on Saturday so I don't know if fluid was even the cause for his struggling to breathe. The vet thought it was due to his low red cell count and he wasn't getting enough oxygen.
I couldn't believe that he could be diagnosed with hyperthyroidism only a month or so earlier and was now struggling to breathe and suffering liver failure. As 9:30 approached, I was pacing back and forth because I was now facing moments before I would have to leave to catch that last ferry and was trying to figure out what to do. I feel that if we had lived closer to more clinics that were equipped to give him the initial round the clock care he needed, I'd still have Paddy now.
I called the vet and told him I'd be at the clinic just before 11:00pm. to have him put down. I could not fathom the idea of giving him the Buprenorphine every hour as the vet suggested basically trying to euthanize my own cat. What if it didn't work. What if his reaction was to keep getting up suddenly and walking 2 feet only to collapse, which is what he was doing. I'd have to watch him do that all night long possibly.
While I packed an overnight bag for myself I asked my husband to stay with Paddy. When I got back into the room I saw that he had pulled the ottoman up close to Paddy and was sitting on it and was brushing him. Paddy was looking Scott right in the eyes as if he was thanking him for his kindness. Paddy was very fond of him. Our other cats were gathered around the two of them and it was quite a sight. I wanted that moment to last forever but we had to go if we were to catch the last ferry.
By 9:35 Paddy was still so uncomfortable. He was making a little gasp sound every 1-2 seconds with a kind of click sound with his mouth slightly open. Because I knew I was taking him to be put down, I gave him another dose of the Bupe to try and make him more comfortable. My husband said goodbye to him and Paddy and I left for yet another trip to the vet, this time our last. Scott had to stay home with our dogs and other cats who would not have been able to stay in the hotel.
The half hour drive was scary, I was swerving to miss raccoons and deer the whole way. And, like now, I was crying so much I couldn't see very well. I was talking to Paddy trying to explain to him why I had been so awful to him for the past week, syringing food into him every 2 hours when it was the last thing on earth he wanted. I had been his loving caregiver for 5 of his 15 years and always handled him so gently but I feel that I scared him this last week. He shrank when I came near him when it was feeding time, as if he was trying to disappear. This is my biggest regret and one that I don't know I'll ever get over. I just hate it. I'm so worried that he thinks that I was being cruel to him for no reason and of course it's the exact opposite but how could he know? I hope he knows now.
I know this will pass, as I've had to say goodbye countless times to animals as I've always had them in my life but I'm just no good at this and it never gets easier. Sometimes I wonder why I have animals because this part is simply unbearable.
I was the only vehicle on the little ferry last night and as we pulled away from the dock and they shut all the lights off and we moved slowly through the dark water, it was the lonliest I think I've ever been, probably for Paddy too. But I do know that trying to sedate him with the Bupe all night long would have been the wrong decision because even as we neared the terminal on the other side, he was still popping up and trying to move around and at one point made a long, moaning sound. This would have gone on all night I'm guessing and that would have been the wrong choice. The only thing I don't know is if this was due to a combination of Bupe and Cerenia (the Bupe given at 12:30 pm. and the Cerenia at 5:00 or 6:00 I think). I don't know if it was the pumpkin I mixed in with his food? I just don't know. I'm horrified at the thought that this could have been a bad reaction to the two drugs and that perhaps it would have passed but the rushed decision due to the ferry caused me to have to make a decision and I'll never know if it was right. All I knew was that he was having great difficulty breathing and something had to be done.
The vet was very kind and told me that he really wanted to give me credit for trying so hard to save him. I told him that I probably tried too hard and he thought that I should have because sometimes it can be turned around. He gave the injection to Paddy in his back leg and he gave one last gasp and I kissed him on his face at the same time. It was awful. But it was over. I'll miss you forever sweet Paddington.
Below are some links to some photos and 2 short videos of Paddy. The first two photos are of Paddy with our cat Wally dutifully staying by his side. One taken the day before yesterday and the other, moments before we left last night. He used to groom Paddy as well. The other 2 photos are of Paddy with me in the garden. He liked to hang out in there with me. And the videos are from a few years ago, you'll see how big he was. My husband is petting him and Paddy is thoroughly enjoying it. I'm the animal person for the most part but my husband has such a good touch with them and they all adore him. :0)
Paddy and Wally day before yesterday:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_9718.jpg
Paddy and Wally last night:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_9721.jpg
Paddy getting the rubdown from Scott. Paddy opens his mouth at the end because he's frisky and wants to bite Scott's hand:
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/d...t=MVI_4286.mp4
Paddy making biscuits in the air with his paws while he enjoys his petting session:
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/d...t=MVI_4284.mp4
The two of us in the garden:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/433.jpg
Paddy enjoyoing the fruits of his labor:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/781.jpg
Paddy laying on his back, a position he used to like alot but didn't lay like this for the past few years though:
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...dcreek/159.jpg
Paddy and our other cat Jimmy chillaxing together. Both in Rainbow Bridge now. Perhaps laying like together like this on a green pasture in heaven. :0)
http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/d...k/IMG_3855.jpg
Thanks for reading and viewing. Looking at these photos and clips has really helped to remind me that there were many more good times than bad. He was such a special guy.
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