In depair but I know I can confide in PT [Archive]

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 09:10 AM

Step daughter (27) has just announced she's 10 weeks pregnant.

She already has two children by different fathers (each as hopeless as the other in terms of emotional/financial support, working for a living, taking responsibility, etc etc) and number 3 is no better...in fact is probably the worst of the lot

Bear with me - it gets worse..............

She has also had two terminations (that I know of), the first aged 16, and doesn't seem to want to go through it again (understandable I guess) but neither does she want another child..... She is just caught in a vicious cycle of being the perenial victim and would rather be with anyone than on her own - except that is exactly what happens and will continue to happen unless she takes charge of her life

Does anyone have any advice or shred of hope they can offer?

catnapper

02-08-2006, 09:18 AM

Wow.... what a predicament!

I know people like her and nothing's going to change until they decide they've had enough and realize they are the only ones who can make their life better. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom until you realize you're there because of your own actions and choices... and then you realize you have the power to make circumstances different.

Terminating the pregnancy will only get her out of this situation and possibly into the next. Would she be willing to carry the pregnancy to term and then put the baby up for adoption? The ultimate act of love for her child knowing she'd not provide the stability he/she would need. Then find herself a good therapist to work things out with (and good, reliable birth control!)

Karen

02-08-2006, 09:19 AM

Can she talk to an agency about placing the child up for adoption? I am sure someone out there would be glad to adopt the baby.

Then, get some sort of counseling/frank discussion of the value of birth control so this cannot happen again ... never mind counseling so that she realizes she can do better for herself in terms of healthy relationships or even being on her own ...

Dixieland Dancer

02-08-2006, 09:21 AM

I had a friend who's daughter was the same way. She finally got connected to a really caring and active church and she seems to be doing much better now. Her love now is the Lord and she confesses her celabacy until she finds "Mr. Right". We think it's a miracle!

In the mean time, she could consider adoption. Then she should be encouraged to have her tubes tied. That way at least if she feels it necessary to be with someone, she won't be risking bringing another innocent life into the picture. I feel for you in this situation as it is a hopeless feeling to care about someone and not be able to help them since they obviously can't help themselves.

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 09:26 AM

Exactly what catnapper said. She needs to recognize that only she can change her life. Counseling would be the best thing for her. Do you think she'd consider it? As for the baby, I think adoption might be her best bet, although I know that would be very difficult to do. Do you think she'd consider adoption? She's in a really bad place right now, so I'd say to try to stick by her and support her, as hard as that may be for you (as I'm sure you're angry).

cyber-sibes

02-08-2006, 09:26 AM

:( ((((hugs)))) So sorry for you, it just plain stinks to see our kids make terrible choices. About all you can do is pray for them. Often family has the least impact when you try to help. What I do is pray God will bring the right people and circumstances into their life asap (even if that means hitting a bottom) so that they will be willing to change and accept responsibility for their choices. *sigh* no easy answers...
I work with a gal like that - she's got 3 kids by 3 different guys, too.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 09:30 AM

(as I'm sure you're angry).

More stunned than anything at the moment to be honest.

Thank you for the replies so far - I will certainly mention adoption to her but I can't honestly see her going full term then handing baby over (although I do agree it would be the best thing for the poor little mite).

The only good thing to come out of this will be that Katie is determined not to end up like her sister, as much as she loves her - a small crumb of comfort but one me and her Dad are clinging to right now

Karen

02-08-2006, 09:38 AM

But maybe, if she is put intouch with someone who desperately wants a baby, she can be persuaded adoption is the way, and tell anyone who asks that she is being a surrogate mother - carrying a child for someone who cannot - and that might help her mentally.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 09:39 AM

prechrswife

02-08-2006, 09:46 AM

As someone who is in the process of adopting, this hits very close to home for me. There are so many couples out there who want to be parents, who are ready to be parents, yet they are physically unable to do so. If you could find someone in this position for her to talk with, maybe that would make the decision easier.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 09:57 AM

This may sound harsh but the tricky bit will be getting her to stop thinking of herself and how much she'll suffer and to get her to consider what would be best for the baby and the two she's already got. She's a great one for sitting around bemoaning how hard her life is and how tough things are - getting her to see that its no-one's fault but her own won't be simple.

Thanks for letting me offload to you all - not a pleasant topic I know

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 10:07 AM

Well, that won't be easy. Is she still with the father of the current baby?

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 10:19 AM

Well, that won't be easy. Is she still with the father of the current baby?

No - she has decided she doesn't want anything to do with him as he is a total waster (!) - something she already knew when she threw him out just over a year ago (!!) and I wish she'd remembered 10 weeks ago :mad:

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 10:23 AM

No - she has decided she doesn't want anything to do with him as he is a total waster (!) - something she already knew when she threw him out just over a year ago (!!) and I wish she'd remembered 10 weeks ago :mad:

It's probably a good thing that they're not together anymore. Maybe this can be her 'wake-up' call. I certainly can't imagine being in her situation. She must be so scared. Would it be possible to get her involved with a church or anything? That may help.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 10:31 AM

Maybe this can be her 'wake-up' call.

How many more does she need? This will be #5 by my reckoning.......

As for church I don't think she'd consider it - very cynical about religion

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 10:36 AM

How many more does she need? This will be #5 by my reckoning.......

Wow, when you put it that way... you must be pretty frustrated with her situation (I know I would be). I'm not even sure what you can do, she needs to decide to make the change on her own.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 10:40 AM

Wow, when you put it that way... you must be pretty frustrated with her situation (I know I would be). I'm not even sure what you can do, she needs to decide to make the change on her own.

Very hard to remain detached when you see the amount of pain she causes - then of course I'm the bad guy because I refuse to have her kids stay at weekends to give her a break. I work ( ;) ) all week and selfish as it may sound if I'd wanted more children I'd have had my own!

catland

02-08-2006, 10:43 AM

I agree that adoption and counseling sound like the best thing to do. It is definately the best thing for the baby - and would benefit her and her other children as well.

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 10:49 AM

Very hard to remain detached when you see the amount of pain she causes - then of course I'm the bad guy because I refuse to have her kids stay at weekends to give her a break. I work ( ;) ) all week and selfish as it may sound if I'd wanted more children I'd have had my own!

That is certainly not being the bad guy at all - and not selfish. I can't imagine that being a stepparent would be easy at all, then throw this situation into the mix...how does your husband feel about it all?

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 10:53 AM

That is certainly not being the bad guy at all - and not selfish. I can't imagine that being a stepparent would be easy at all, then throw this situation into the mix...how does your husband feel about it all?

She breaks his heart - has to support her because he's her Dad but he is ripped apart every time. Makes it hard for Katie too because he is so determined that she won't go the same way he pushes her too hard at times

I'd be first to admit that SD hasn't had it easy - her Dad brought her up on his own and her Mum only ever appeared when she felt like it although is back on the scene now (like mother like daughter unfortunately). But surely there has to come a time when you stop blaming a c**p childhood and move on doesn't there

catnapper

02-08-2006, 10:57 AM

Wow, the situation gets more tangled! Sounds as if at 27 she needs some serious "Tough Love"

I'd tell her that she's completely on her own to deal with this -- in all ways, financially, emotionally, and physically. Tell her you won't be there to listen to her boo-hooing how she got herself into this mess. If she starts to complain, get up walk away, hang up the phone... whatever you need to do to get your point across that you are not interested in her whines about her present situation. You'll be there to talk when she starts planning how to fix her life, but not when she's complaining of where she is.

Tell her you will not be there to babysit while she goes on doctor's appoitnments, or after the baby is here. You won't so much as buy one diaper or bib. By doing all that she will no longer have people sitting by and helping her continue her self destructive ways. ITs going to be HARD and you will DEFIANTELY be the bad guy until she starts seeing clearly. Thats what my grandmom had to do with my uncle who was so messed up on drugs. One day he found himself in jail and REALLY had no choice but to accept his actions.... and now my uncle is Mr. Pillar of the community and an A+ father and stepfather.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-08-2006, 11:01 AM

[QUOTE=catnapper]Wow, the situation gets more tangled! Sounds as if at 27 she needs some serious "Tough Love"[QUOTE]

Believe me there is nothing I'd rather do but not being her natural parent makes it hard. I can't see her Dad walking away.....

Time for me to head off home now to see my furrkids! Thanks once again for your help - will keep you posted on the next dramatic episode ;)

JenBKR

02-08-2006, 11:02 AM

Ok let us know what happens!

catnapper

02-08-2006, 11:14 AM

Trust me, I'm in the same boat.... for all purposes, I feel like the kids are my own, but when times get rough, I am reminded that I am a steparent.... even if its not said, its there. I can see my hubby doing the same as yours. Stepparenting is HARD! Then we see the kids for what they are, while their "real" parents still have blinders on.

Edwina's Secretary

02-08-2006, 11:25 AM

Cataholic

02-08-2006, 01:41 PM

Please, please, please help her see that adoption is the most loving choice she could give this baby.

As for cutting her off? I don't think I could handle that. The baby is the one that truly suffers. :(

kuhio98

02-08-2006, 01:46 PM

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for the pain she has caused herself and you and her father and her poor children. I hope she will consider adoption. There must be groups out there that could help her decide. I hope in time she would see that this would be the most wonderful, loving thing she could do for the baby and for a family desperately wanting a child.

Whatever she decides, I hope that she will educate herself on birth control.

ramanth

02-08-2006, 02:40 PM

No advice. Just lots of hugs and support.

sandragonfly

02-08-2006, 07:40 PM

I don't know what to offer :( just know I'm thinking of you and the baby, hoping for the best out of it! soon! (((denise)))

moosmom

02-08-2006, 07:47 PM

I'm at a loss for words. At 27, and 5 kids later you'd think she'd learn. Some don't. I would definitely encourage adoption. As everyone here has said, there are MANY people who want children so badly but can't have them. My cousin wants to adopt again (she adopted a little boy, Michael, from the Ukraine) but it's taking forever because it's a foreign adoption.

I wish I knew what else to say. I know how difficult it must be when she's your husband's kid. Sometimes ya just gotta stand there and bite your tongue. It's hard to do.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) and TONS of support from all of us, sweetie!!

Ally Cat's Mommy

02-09-2006, 02:54 AM

My brother and his wife very much wanted a child. They were very fortunate that some woman was brave enough to give her child the best chance at a good life.

My niece has grown up with animals....dogs, cats, horses (her parents are veternarians) a good education, extracurricular activities, travel...and very loving and attentive parents.

I do not understand people who say...."I could not let my grandchild be raised by someone else." I once heard this from a man whose adopted daughter was pregnant. How could he deny someone else the opportunity he had had? In my brother's case, the grandparents almost derailed the adoption after nearly a year.

Please encourage your step-daughter to pursue adoption. With open adoptions today, if she wants to stay in touch with the child it can be done.

What a wonderful gift to give her child!

I couldn't have said it better.

As someone who
(1) was adopted as a baby and
(2) had problems trying to conceive

I am VERY aware of how adoption can positively impact so many lives. As others have said, adoption gives couples who dearly want children, and can provide the best for them, the opportunity to do so. It also means that one less child will be brought up in less-than-ideal circumstances.

Karen gave a good suggestion re telling anyone who asks that she is acting as a surrogate mother (after all taking her financial position into account people would probably believe her).

As a Step-mom I can also sympathise with the pressure you are under - there are times when I get accused of being too hard or judgemental, when all I really want is the best for everyone involved - it's not easy!

jojo

02-09-2006, 03:09 AM

Such a difficult thing to watch and feel powerless. But maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Is she a good mother... whatever her choice in partners are? I reckon there isn't enough children in our world any maybe this is something good in disguise. Sounds silly, I know but you could be the step mum to the next genius of the world. I hope things work out ok, and your step girl realizes that she is going to be the most influential person in her children's life. Maybe she'll recognize she needs to make self respecting changes.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-09-2006, 04:07 AM

Sounds silly, I know but you could be the step mum to the next genius of the world

Her 8 year old daughter is very bright but I am scared she will get dragged down too

At 27, and 5 kids later you'd think she'd learn

Just two kids (so far) and two terminations - doesn't really make it any better does it?

From what I can gather from her Dad adoption is not an option as far as she is concerned. Have sent her details of an organisation called CARE who are trained in counselling for unplanned pregnancies and the options available. At least she can be honest with whoever is on the other end of the phone (or she will be if she has any sense....which is a debatable issue ;) )

jojo

02-13-2006, 03:22 AM

Again, I can't help much but hope that you all can find the positive in this. I hope for the childrens sake that your daughter finds the strength to change, because in the end that is all it is about, she finds it easier to not make the hard decisions and continue on in her security blanket of what she already knows. I want desparately for this to happen for the childrens sake, I believe that to be the truest form of love and commitment to them, I don't like the idea they be sent off because mother isn't the best, if you understand me. Those poor babies. :(

Maya & Inka's mommy

02-13-2006, 04:06 AM

Being a mom to 2 adopted kids, I can only advize this: ADOPTION !!! That little baby deserves a happy loving family ! By giving it the chance of being adopted, is giving it the absolute chance of being happy!!!

catnapper

02-13-2006, 07:07 AM

How is everything going?

I asked hubby what he would do if either of our girls were in this situation.... and he's saying the same thing your hubby is: He's her dad and whatever she did, he'd help her through. He went so far as to say he'd officially adopt the baby to save her from the mother. But really, how much help is it? She's still not getting the proper help she needs.

I am so sorry that you're stuck in the middle like this.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-13-2006, 08:09 AM

He went so far as to say he'd officially adopt the baby to save her from the mother.

Hope this doesn't sound heartless but there is no way I'd even consider that. I don't want any more children and am certainly not going to give up my "freedom" because it wouldn't be her Dad looking after baby.....it would be down to me

Sweet Sixy

02-13-2006, 07:19 PM

I am glad to hear you sent her info. on CARE. There are many groups in most communities that can help women out who are in her situation. There are also groups that offer services to moms who need it, such as helping with daycare, parenting education, counseling services etc. I am a caseworker and see these sort of situations quite often. Some people can not stand to give up a child, however if they don't take the steps necessary that child may be taken away from them without them ever getting the option. I hope that she can find her way and be able to give her children the happy live that kids deserve...I wish you and your family the best of luck with the situation.

Pawsitive Thinking

02-22-2006, 09:52 AM

An appointment has been made for her to go to the hospital next week for a scan to see how far gone she actually is. If 12 weeks or under the "procedure" will be done there and then but if more than 12 weeks (which it will be) she will be given a pessary and have to give birth the next day..........................

(If she times it right this could all happen on the first anniversary of my Dad's death..........)

Maresche

02-22-2006, 10:31 AM

I'm sorry to hear this is the route she has chosen.

Positive thoughts to you all that this go and quickly and smoothly as possible.

catnapper

02-22-2006, 10:35 AM

I'm sorry to hear this is the route she chose.

Lets hope you can get some sense into her so that there will never ever be a "next time"

PS:

Hope this doesn't sound heartless but there is no way I'd even consider that. I don't want any more children and am certainly not going to give up my "freedom" because it wouldn't be her Dad looking after baby.....it would be down to me
I missed this earlier. I agree myself. If I wanted a baby fulltime in my life right now, I'd have married another man who could give me one. I have freely admitted many times that I am too selfish to be a mother to a baby. I will eagerly be a grandmother, but one to a baby who eventually goes home with mom and dad!