I hate my MIL!!!!

[Samantha Puppy]

I have been in tears all day because of her. She has completely ruined what was supposed to be a very important, memorable part of my first pregnancy.

A little history - I absolutely HATE being the center of attention. I was thrown a traditional bridal shower last year and felt sick to my stomach all day. I hated it. I was so nervous that I either spent too much time on gifts I opened (boring everyone) or too little (and looked greedy to get on to the next one). I had a pretty blue dress with white crocheted lace overlay on it and was so nervous and sweaty that the armpits got stained pink. I knew going into it that I wasn't nuts about the party but I had never been in a position like that before so I wanted to give it a shot and hoped that I'd surprise myself and have a great time. Not so. It only reiterated to me that I absolutely hated being in that position and never wanted to be in a similar one again. I was miserable, I was sweaty, I was nervous, I was terrified. Never. Again.

Last month, my mom approached my MIL to see if she wanted to co-host a baby party for me. My mom knew my feelings about my bridal shower as I had told her that what my husband and I would love to have is not a shower, but just a party in our honor. I have many more guy friends than girlfriends, I've always been more comfortable around guys, and we're the first ones in our group of friends to have a baby. Josh has known these guys since 1st grade, me since 6th. A party that included ALL of our friends and didn't include anything that would put the focus solely on me would be perfect.

Until MIL decided that that wasn't what SHE wanted to do. So she took over and took it upon herself to call one of my newer girlfriends (I haven't seen or talked to this girl in over a month... and it was a month or more prior to that that I spoke to her... get it?) and have this girl pre-check with MY high school guy friends to see if they'd be interested in coming to a... SHOWER. Of course, they said no. After they said no, MIL reported back to my mom that she had asked and they weren't interested so they should proceed on with planning a traditional shower for me.

1. Who the hell checks with possible guests to see if they want to come to a party? I can tell you right now that when she (MIL) threw birthday and graduation parties for her sons, she never called around and said "Hey, if I have a party for Josh's graduation, would you come?" Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT!!! The *only* reason she did that was so that she could say that it was THEIR call not to come, not her decision, so her "conscience" was clear. But she doesn't realize that I know her better than that. I know exactly what was going through her mind.

2. The girl that she called, she's spoken to MAYBE 3-4 times in her entire life. This girl and I are friends, but she showed NO interest in being involved in anything to do with the baby. She never went to my mother to say "Hey, I'd like to do this for Jaime - want to work together?" So why should she, a relative "newcomer" to my group of high school friends, be involved in this at all? And why should HER response overrule what I asked for??

I just don't understand why you'd bother to ask me what I want and then totally disregard it! Why would you want to go through with all the money and time involved in planning a shower when you KNOW the 'guest-of-honor' would be absolutely, 100% miserable? I am beyond angry and upset with MIL and would rather have NOTHING than what SHE wants. So I told my mother that and she has contacted MIL to halt all plans. So because of my over-controlling MIL, I won't have *anything* to look back on like a party with (all) my friends and family, all those dear and important to me, during my first pregnancy.

Every time I think about it, I feel nauseous. I hate her. I HATE HER!!!!

[RICHARD]

This is gonna be tough but be as gracious as you can.


Just remind yourself that it's only for a few hours and once you get it over with it will be over. You'll just waste time freaking out about it, so.......
Make the most of it.

[finn's mom]

That's awful, Jaime. I don't know about you, but, I wouldn't show up. But, that's just me. How does Josh feel about his mother doing this?

[buckner]

Oh Jaime, I'm terribly sorry to hear this awful news. I can't believe some people would act like that!!! Have you talked to Josh about this situation with your MIL?

Is there anyway you can have the party you wanted and just not invite your MIL? I'm sure she knows how you feel about her - explain to her that you want your highschool friends there and if she can't accept that, than she doesn't have to come!

I may sound a bit rude, but I'd go forth with what *I* wanted to do. Your mom seems to know and understand you, so have her plan it but you give the final okay. I know when I get pregnant (in the far future :P) I'll want ALL of my friends there, and whoever isn't okay with it can just not come.

[Queen of Poop]

So sorry that she is stressing you out. Could you just come out and tell her how you feel. Maybe show her what you've posted here and let her know that your wants/needs come BEFORE hers. Or perhaps your hubby could talk to his mom and explain to her that a shower is not the right way to go and that it will be a party or nothing. Someone needs to stand up to her. I'm sorry, but in your condition you should not be stressing so much. Please take a deep breath, have a nice cup of tea and try to relax.

[moosmom]

I sympathize with you, and think RICHARD has a good point. But, so does finn's Mom.

You could always do what I did when my 4 aunts threw me a baby shower. Because my MIL was an alcoholic, they argued over and over whether to serve alcoholic punch or not. Well, I or rather Amy Elizabeth decided for them. She came a month early and I went into labor the day before the shower!! :p:p (BTW, I absolutely LOATHED my MIL too!!!) Served them all right.

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[finn's mom]

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.


Ha ha, that's a good one. Seriously, though, Jaime, your mother-in-law is seemingly doing this for her own benefit, and, not so much yours. Your mother has already told your in law how you feel and what you'd prefer. I think you should go ahead and schedule a party for your friends. Again, though, I wouldn't be attending the party that your mother-in-law is throwing, not after she's already been told that isn't what you want.

[kimboe]

Hmmm...That's to bad. :(
If i were in your shoes i would call her (MIL). And discretly tell her that you do not wish to have a party that is clearly not in your taste, and remind her that it is for you and the baby. ( not her)
And if she does not like it or does not comply with the idea and still insists on hers i will also tell her that you only want one party and a party with all of YOUR close friends.
I hope i helped in any way.

[caseysmom]

I think you and hubby should invite who you want, have it very informal and call your mother and law and tell her you won't put nub through the kind of stress she has in mind.

[Samantha Puppy]

I'd love to have just had the party myself, but the fact of the matter is that Josh and I weren't planning on having any Nuggets for another few years so money is spread extremely thin as it is. We cannot afford hosting a party ourselves. It's not just the high school friends that she didn't want there - it was ANY person of the male persuasion. Josh and I wanted a fun get-together with friends and family. His uncles are a blast to hang out with. We wanted EVERYONE important to us to be at this party, not just women (some of which I can't even stand). I was asked what we wanted for food - I said pizza and beer (obviously no beer for me). THAT is Josh and me - laidback, not pretentious. MIL decides to rent out a room at a local Italian restaurant and serve fancy pasta dishes (Josh hates Italian food - see how "in tune" she is with catering to other people's wants/needs?). Anyway, we just don't have the money to have a party. We usually have a bunch of our friends over once every football season to watch the Ravens and we had to bow out of our turn this year because of finances.

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

My mom has already contacted MIL and told her that it's off. I'm waiting for the fireworks and expecting a call from either my mom or MIL or both tonight. My mom is cool - she completely understands how I feel and has apologized a billion times for letting it "get away" from her. I hold no grudges against her - she doesn't understand how MIL works like I do.

And just sucking it up and going is not an option. MIL kowtows to the current "matriarch" of the family and is priming herself to take that position over once the current one is out of the picture. She wants me to kowtow to her and I absolutely REFUSE to perpetuate this manipulation for another generation. If I don't stand up to her now, she will expect me to do whatever she says for good and I'm not like that. Josh and I are our own family, we are adults, and we do not need to be treated like we are children. I've given in enough to her in the past - if I keep it up, she'll expect it even more... and it just ain't happenin'.

[kimboe]

YEP, You should Stand for yourself. All the Power to You!
:D :D

[caseysmom]

If money is tight maybe you should grin and bear it for the gifts... :D If it gets overwhelming act like your going to puke and go lay down ;)

[Kfamr]

That's horrible, Jaime! :( What an evil lady.

Do you think you could call up the highschool friends that you WANT to attend and explain the situation, and invite them to come along?

{{HUGS}}

[dukedogsmom]

I agree with Buckner. Have the party you want to have. It's your special time and no one else's. There's no reason you can't have some happy memories. Your MIL may think she was giving you something special but it sure sounds like she was going a weird way about it. And, some people just like a lot of attention. I have no idea which one it was but I say you should have a day that you would prefer.

[jackie]

I am glad to hear you put your foot down!

[catnapper]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.

[lizbud]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.


Sharp observation. Sounds that way to me too. Two totally different
schools of thought. :)

[Samantha Puppy]

I know they did things different back when she had my husband and other sons, but my mother is older than she is by a few years and had no problem with the idea of a pizza party with beer and men.

[beeniesmom]

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.(((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

I was thinking the same thing. I'd be "sick" and leave early or never show up.

[gemini9961]

I wouldn't show up....that would show her!!! I can totally sympathize with you. I too hate being the center of attention. I am leaving tomorrow morning to fly out and get married, just him and I. I did not want a wedding where everyone was looking at me and oooohhing and aaawwwing over me. Uh, that is so not me. Just call and tell her, you throw that party and you can count me out and if you want me to come to a party do it the way I want it with my MALE friends and pizza and beer. Why have a snipity pretentious atmosphere where YOU don't feel comfortable, she needs to learn to respect YOUR decisions. Ok enough from me. :)

[Twisterdog]

MIL's are rarely fun. I HATED my ex's mom with a passion, and I'm quite sure she felt the same about me. She did a lot of mean, petty things to me, and I'm sure I responded in kind. At the time it seemed like a HUGE deal.

But now, frankly, with my son in high school and having known and dealt with this woman for 23 years ... I can look back and see that we were BOTH petty and small sometimes. And for what? I can't even remember the issues now at all.

We have called a truce over the past few years. We should have done it long ago. Because, the fact of the matter is, you have to deal with this woman the rest of your life. Literally. She is your child's grandparent, and she will ALWAYS be your child's grandparent. You will deal with her at every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday, illness and occasion for the rest of her life.

I honestly don't expect you to see this point of view. I CERTAINLY would not have seen it when I was your age. No way. But, I felt I had to voice it anyway. Sometimes time is a great mellowing agent.

Frankly, though, THIS is what concerns me more than troubles with your MIL:

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife. He is now, first and foremost, YOUR husband and the father of YOUR and HIS child. He is no longer firstly his mother's son. I am certainly not advocating his causing trouble between his mother and himself, but he needs to make it clear to her where he stands. I think he needs to say something like, "Mom, I appreciate all your effort and understand that you want to help. However, Jaime doesn't feel comfortable with a party like this, and I'm sure you agree that no one needs to be making things more stressful on her at this time. Maybe later after the baby is born and things settle down, you and she could plan something TOGETHER that is acceptable to you both. But for now, let's just let this idea go, ok?" You and your husband must form a partnership above and beyond all other ties.

[catnapper]

I know they did things different back when she had my husband and other sons, but my mother is older than she is by a few years and had no problem with the idea of a pizza party with beer and men.
Same with my mom - she had noooo problem with that type of shower for my brother and his wife. Her mom? She was amazed there was even such a thing, let alone that my mom was going to accomodate their wishes. So my SIL had not one, not two, or three, or even four showers... she had FIVE showers. Her mom went to all 5 and gave HUGE gifts at all the showers. Showing off much? (don't ask how one woman can have 5 showers... she did!)

I just went to my cousin's shower just like the one you want (she had her baby yesterday by the way :) ) and it was nice. Only problem was that men stayed outside and the woman stayed inside. It became like a traditional baby shower and then men might as well NOT ben there for all we saw of them :rolleyes:

I hope your MIL can comprimise. And kick Josh in the beeeehind and tell him to stand up to mom! ;) You can tell him I said so! :p

[PJ's Mom]

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife.

Absolutely!

My ex never stood up for me either but luckily we're divorced, he's a deadbeat dad and I haven't had to look at the witch for the last 8 years or so. ;)

Good luck. It sounds like you've got way too much crap to be dealing with right now. :(

[CathyBogart]

Good for you for getting the situation fixed...it sounds like what you did is the best that you could given all of the options. Best of luck... *Hands you an umbrella for when the fireworks start)

[Oggyflute]

For what it's worth Jamie, you should do what you want to do. It's your life mate, the quicker your MIL realises this, the better for all concerned.

[orangemm]

Why couldn't you and your hubby (or your mom) plan an informal party where the guests bring a dish or pizza or whatever they want to bring. Cost wouldn't be an issue AND you'd get to gather with the people who make YOU feel comfortable and secure I'm sure the people and family who know you well already know that you don't want a formal, structured 'event', and they would be more than happy to go with the flow to do what would be in your best interests. Most modern 'showers' include the father-to-be anyway, so why not invite the guys, too? If there are more than 2 or 3, they wouldn't feel out of place.

I know if -I- were your friend, I would want what YOU wanted and wouldn't deliberately do the opposite of what you preferred.

You could even invite the dreaded MIL; even if she didn't show up, YOU would have made the gesture of friendship and family peace.

Just a thought.

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Jaime, I havent got any advice for you - just wanted to send you a big (((HUG))) - this pregnancy is YOU and hubby's special time, and it's not fair that it is being messed up by other people.

Stay strong and stand up to the MIL!

[Samantha Puppy]

Regarding Josh - he's not NOT supporting me. He actually hasn't spoken to his mother and had to stand up for me yet. No one's heard from her. But he and I talked last night and while he doesn't agree with my decision, he did say "... if that's what you want..." So if he DOES hear from his mom, he'll back me up.

As for me, I'm taking a step back. I realized this morning that I was basing all my reactions off of 3rd party information. I don't know if my MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, leading her to believe it'd be a classic shower but with guys and for her to ask if they would be interested in it OR if my oldest and dearest friends were told correctly that it was just an average party (no games, no themes, etc.) in honor of Josh and I and that they really did say they wouldn't come. So I've contacted my friend to ask exactly what my MIL said to her so I know whether or not to really hate MIL for manipulating things to get her way or if my friends really aren't so great after all. I'm waiting to hear back from her about it before addressing who needs to be addressed.

Regardless of whether it's my MIL or my friends, someone WILL get a talking to. If it's MIL, my mom and I will have our own party - the way Josh and I wanted. If it's my friends, I would be far too hurt and letdown to just ignore it and let it go, so they'll hear something from me. But we'll wait and see.

It's just so sad that all I wanted was an evening to look back on when all of our friends and families got together to celebrate the impending arrival of our firstborn son. I won't have any memory like that to remember or to tell Nug about, because either his paternal grandmother was a manipulative bitch who would go to pretty good lengths to get HER way OR that his mommy's and daddy's friends just didn't care enough about them to want to share in the occasion. You know, if I'd been asking for a massive destination party in NYC or Florida or Vegas or something like that, I can totally understand people not being interested in coming. But this was JUST a party. Like a birthday party or a graduation party. People go to those. Why not a party to celebrate us getting ready for our impending baby?

:(

[Logan]

I have been following this and absorbing it all. I simply cannot imagine trying to dictate to someone who is offering to give a party, on what terms they can give it. Jaime, I know this is a sensitive issue for you, but maybe there should be two parties. Baby showers are fun and you get great stuff. My thought is that you would be the one to provide the invitation list, anyway, but you can't really try and tell your MIL how to do it. It's her party, in honor of you. If you want to have a get together with your friends in a different manner, do it seperately, throw the party yourself, or with your mother's help, and make sure you indicate to the guests what your wishes are for food or gifts.

I hope you can try to lighten up a little bit on your MIL and keep peace. "Hate" is a strong word and this is your husband's mother and the grandmother of your child. She sounds like an overbearing woman. I have a mother like that, so my husband endures some of the same stuff you're dealing with. Both of the MIL that I have had (2 marriages) are exactly the opposite! Very unassuming, loving women.

Just try to make the best out of the situation and apprecaite the fact that someone is trying to do something nice for you and your baby!

I wish you the best. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and any stress that Mom is feeling is going to be felt by that baby, too. Try and relax and enjoy this time, even if everything is not exactly as you would like it to be.

Logan

[Samantha Puppy]

But she underminded my mother in what she's done. MY MOTHER was the one to decide to have a party for me. Because my MIL felt oh-so-excluded from my bridal shower (thrown for me by my best friend), my mom thought it'd be nice to include her as a co-host. But MIL took the co- part, threw it out the window, and took over! MY MOM knows me best and wanted to give me a party that I would feel comfortable with. MIL is the one who took it upon herself to contact my friend - without my mother's knowledge - and misrepresent the party so that my guy friends would say they didn't want to come (or at least, I'm 99.9% sure that's what happened). Either way, my mom told my MIL what she wanted to do for us and instead of saying, "That's not what I had in mind - thanks for asking, but I'll do my own thing for them" she just tried to take over. I'm sorry, but any way you look at it, that isn't right.

And let me reiterate - my mom sat down with me and said she wanted to do something for the baby, Josh and me. She *asked* what I wanted, so I spoke with Josh and we decided that what best fit us was just a party with all of our friends and family there. I would never just up and dictate what I wanted - I was asked...

[finn's mom]

And let me reiterate - my mom sat down with me and said she wanted to do something for the baby, Josh and me. She *asked* what I wanted, so I spoke with Josh and we decided that what best fit us was just a party with all of our friends and family there. I would never just up and dictate what I wanted - I was asked...


It sounds to me like your mother should just go ahead and send out invitations for a co-ed laid back party for you and Josh. Pizza and beer and friends. And, if you have to make a few phone calls to explain what's happened, it would be worth it. I mean, to call your guy friends and tell them that it's not so much a baby shower as it is just a party for all of you guys to get together. Baby gifts appreciated, of course. ;) It sounds like your mother-in-law, like I said earlier, is simply doing this for herself. She doesn't even seem to be inviting the people that you would want to attend. Blech, what a...crouton. Sorry, that's all I could think of to describe what your mother-in-law reminds me of, from what you've said. An inaminate, unfeeling, piece of toasted bread. :o I haven't been up long, my creativity switch isn't on, yet.

[Samantha Puppy]

Well, I won't know what the total truth is until I hear back from my friend. My mother has mentioned that if it comes back that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend (and therefore, the guys), she would be willing to host the pizza-wings-beer party that Josh and I had wanted. However, if it comes back that our friends really aren't interested in celebrating our baby's impending arrival, it doesn't really matter who hosts what. Know what I mean? If they don't want to come, they don't want to come and I have some reevaluating to do.

Even if it does turn out that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, Josh and I know that having our own or allowing my mom to host it would cause more problems between more people. Right now, I'm assuming the only person MIL is upset with is me. If my mom were to host a party, MIL would then be angry with her... with Josh... AND with me... and it just wouldn't be pretty.

I don't know. I'm trying to stop speculating until I hear back from my friend. It's just hard not to.

[finn's mom]

Well, I won't know what the total truth is until I hear back from my friend. My mother has mentioned that if it comes back that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend (and therefore, the guys), she would be willing to host the pizza-wings-beer party that Josh and I had wanted. However, if it comes back that our friends really aren't interested in celebrating our baby's impending arrival, it doesn't really matter who hosts what. Know what I mean? If they don't want to come, they don't want to come and I have some reevaluating to do.

Even if it does turn out that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, Josh and I know that having our own or allowing my mom to host it would cause more problems between more people. Right now, I'm assuming the only person MIL is upset with is me. If my mom were to host a party, MIL would then be angry with her... with Josh... AND with me... and it just wouldn't be pretty.

I don't know. I'm trying to stop speculating until I hear back from my friend. It's just hard not to.

Wow, Jaime. It does sound like you should wait to get the 100% entire story, and, find out what was said to your friend and your guy friends. I know what you mean about reevaluating, too, I've had to do a lot of that in the last year. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the case at all. I wish you the best of luck in finding out what "went down."

As for your mother-in-law, your mom was supposed to be the host to begin with, that would be pretty silly for her to get that upset about your mom hosting it. That was the original plan to begin with. Gosh, I hope you're able to work everything out, though. I'd hate to think of you stressing out about stuff you shouldn't have to. For now, just take some really deep breaths.

[Lobodeb]

I'm just now reading this and can relate. I'm not crazy about my MIL either but we won't go into that.

I still think honesty is the best policy here. How would your MIL react if you were to just sit her down and say something to the tune of, "I appreciate you wanting to have a party for me, but I would prefer if you worked WITH my mom in giving us the kind of party that WE want. I didn't feel comfortable at my bridal shower and don't want to have to travel down that road again, but I appreciate the thought." This way, she can still feel like she's contributing (if she doesn't take over again) and you won't have to deal with her throwing you a separate shower. Also, explain to her that although she may not agree with having men and beer at your party, it's what YOU want. Times change, she can accept it or not take part at all. Those are her choices. The ball is now in her court. You'll still be allowing her to contribute, but not dominate and hopefully, in the end, you'll get the party you wanted.

Good luck.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

Oh Jamie, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this stress. I know how you feel about being the center of attention. I have panic attacks when I get in situations like that. I didn't have a bridal shower and when I'm pregnant I won't have a baby shower either. I'd rather buy everything myself than have a shower. I'm sure when it comes time my family and friends will want to buy things for my baby even though I won't have a shower.
I don't like the idea of a shower anyway (I hope no one takes offense at this, because I mean none). I feel like a shower is something no one ever wants to go to, but when invited to one they feel obligated to go to it. I don't want people to feel the have to give me a gift (and lets face it, that's basically the reason for a shower). If someone wants to give my baby a gift then they will without feeling obligated.

I much more like the idea of a co-ed party (not shower!) to celebrate this special event in ALL of your lives. This baby will be a part of all your family and friends lives too. A party to celebrate that is a lovely idea. Gifts not necessary (though most would probably give them anyway).

[ramanth]

Linn is super laid back and didn't care what kind of party she had for a bridal shower. It was a traditional shower in the sense that only women were there, but that's as traditional as it got.

Linn's MIL refused to drive all the way to my parents house for the shower and decided to throw Linn one of her own.

Mom wasn't too pleased, but Linn figured if it'd keep the peace, she allowed herself to be thrown two parties.

[Samantha Puppy]

Update

My MIL called my mother this afternoon. My mom was surprised that MIL didn't sound at all mad, but rather concerned for me. She asked my mom to speak with me to see if there was anything else they could do that would be okay with Josh and I.

Since I hadn't yet heard back from Erika, all I could go on was that I was told that our friends had no interest in coming to a party in our honor so I went with that. I said how hurt I was that they would "rather not" attend a party held for Josh and I, how I had some reevaluating to do, and how I felt stupid in assuming that Josh and I were as important to them as they were to us. I also reiterated that most of the really important people in my life are guys - my dad and brother, Josh's dad and brothers, my baby, my friends from school, etc. - and that having something to celebrate the baby that Josh and I created together with only my oldest friend's wives and the female-only-side-of-the-family just seemed wrong... so while I appreciated their (my mom's and MIL's) willingness and thoughtfulness to want to do something for Josh, Nug and I, it just wasn't me or us or what either of us would be comfortable with.

MIL then said that she thinks that my guy friends were under the assumption that even though it wasn't classified as a shower, it would still be like one (Hmmm, wonder why? Maybe because it wasn't explained to Erika correctly?) and that Josh's uncles said that if Josh's dad (their brother) wouldn't be there, they didn't want to come either and since my FIL is scheduled to be out of town on the weekend the shower was planned for, that's why all of the men opted not to come. So MIL and my mom are coming over tomorrow and we're going to discuss changing the date and possibly the title of the event (MIL mentioned "open house" but I just think that if it is made clear that it is JUST a party for Josh and I and NOT a shower, classifying it as a party is fine).

So we'll see. I guess my next update will come after I hear from Erika and then tomorrow after I meet with my mom and MIL.

Thanks everyone for listening to me vent. And KBlaix - you hit the nail directly on the head with everything you said. Ramanth - Having two parties in this case would not have kept the peace, it would've made things worse between me and MIL, my mom and MIL, and Josh and his mom. It would've been a disaster.

[carole]

I hope that you can resolve this to your pleasing Jamiee, I completely understand not wanting to be the center of attention, and over the years I have done things I hated to please others, not any more, I say please yourself and do what makes you happy, it is your life and you are entitled to have what you want.

Maybe your MIL interferred too much by the sounds of it, and although I agree Josh should stand by you , it is always hard for a son to be against his mother, he might feel torn between the two of you.

I cannot judge your MIL because I do not know her, but i know that she is going to be in your life for a very long time and really you might just have to stand your ground and it might mean that these type of issues will not happen again in the future, just my thoughts anyhow..but try not to feel Hatred towards her, she might have had good intentions really but just went around it the wrong way.

Life is full of these type of hiccups, someone somewhere always gets their feelings hurt or intentions mis-construed,but a big falling out over this could mean years of hurt and stress, so my advice would be to try and work something out, to suit everyone but mostly yourself without a great big argument if humanely possible.

I hope to be a MIL oneday, and I think this thread is giving MIL a bad name,from all the comments regarding MIL, there are some out there who are ok ya know. :)

[Samantha Puppy]

Hate is a strong word. I don't hate the woman, I was just extremely upset and emotional yesterday. She and I actually get along great about 98% of the time. She spent the last 25+ years being the only woman in the household (she and FIL had 3 boys) so she's used to getting her way. She's also spent 35+ years around the bossy matriarch of the family so that rubbed off on her too, I'm sure. At any rate, though we have our disagreements I know I'm lucky to have someone like her as a MIL as opposed to, say, what my brother just got as one. :eek:

I have given in to her plenty over the last 10 years... sometimes because I was still "just" Josh's girlfriend and didn't feel it was my place to stand up to her and other times to keep the peace. I cut down my side of the guest list for my wedding so that she could invite more people -- and they didn't pay for the reception. Josh and I did. I just felt that if I didn't take a stand in this case, she'd expect me to roll over and get her way with everything and that's just not the way things are going to be. All that in addition to the fact that I hate, loathe and despise having the attention focused on me so the thought of spending the day with the wives of my friends and the women in the family alone, instead of everyone who means something to Josh and I, was just excruciating.

Anyway... I'll see what tomorrow brings. I did hear back from Erika who basically confirmed what I thought. MIL did not explain the party clearly so my guy friends were under the assumption that it would be your average baby shower type party. I don't think it was malicious in intent but the fact still remains that she didn't explain things clearly to Erika so that Erika could spread the word accurately. So I guess there will be one final update tomorrow or Friday, once my mom, MIL and I have spoken tomorrow night. As of right now though, everything is still off.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Have you considered hibernating and taking care of yourself, your hubby and baby and letting the rest of them get on with it? You 3 are the most important.......YOU are the family unit, it isn't a "peepshow" for anyone else, however well meaning they are. Do not go tying yourself in knots over things that really don't matter - your health and that of your baby comes first xx

We don't really have baby showers in the UK so escape all the stress - frankly mums-to-be have enough to cope with

[Samantha Puppy]

Jaime - 1
MIL - 0

Well, we met last night. She still resisted the idea of a coed party, saying that "your friends just aren't going to understand that it isn't a baby shower". I'm mean, so I let her present her whole basis for that argument before telling her that I'd spoken with Erika, she had been under the assumption it was a traditional baby shower, so that I contacted each of my friends to let them know that it was actually just a regular party. That shut her up and she asked for the addresses of the guest list.

She wants to label it as an "open house" so people don't feel the necessity to be at the party at a certain time - they can drop by whenever. I think that's a little dumb, to label it on the invites as an open house, but whatever. It's a minor detail.

So there we go. The party's back on, albeit a week later than originally planned, but still - it's happening. I am relieved!!

[Oggyflute]

Glad your having what you want Jamie. ;)

[rosethecopycat]

I hate being the center of attention. But I adore my MIL.
Sometimes I don't want the traditional things, and they are forced upon me.
Such as, we didn't want a cake at our wedding, and surprise! At the reception (very low key in a B&B) there was a cake! I was told: 'you gotta have cake!' No, if I wanted cake, I would have arranged to have it...

I have been forced to participate in other peoples events, like watching them birth babies, even though I would have just rather receive a phone call about it. As if, I am missing out by not having kids myself....

I would grin and bear your situation, because a party is just one day but the relationship with your relatives is ongoing.
Some people just don't understand the introverted nature of people who don't like parties or attention, they think; Who wouldn't like a party?!?

Your problem lies in a personality clash, I believe between introvertism and extravertism. It is usually the extravert that infringes on the introverts sensibilities, and not the other way round. This leaves the introvert, feeling
uncomfortable.

[catnapper]

Whew! Glad it was worked out!

To be honest, hubby has never gone to any co-ed shower with me. Even the ones listed as open house (yes, a few were) ;)

I know you'll have a great time now! Kudos Jaime!

[Cataholic]

No matter how I try to word this, it comes out wrong. I will just say this, "remember, this is your husband's mother, and more your child's grandmother". Unless there is some safety issue, there isn't any reason why two mature adults can't get along.

:(

[Samantha Puppy]

No matter how I try to word this, it comes out wrong. I will just say this, "remember, this is your husband's mother, and more your child's grandmother". Unless there is some safety issue, there isn't any reason why two mature adults can't get along.

:(

I know that, and we usually do get along. I do not, however, appreciate being lied to and my friends manipulated so that she can have her way. I have given in to her plenty - thinking exactly what you said above - but I'm sorry, this time in my life is about ME and JOSH and our new family unit. I had to stand up for myself in this case.

[Husky_mom]

i also have this kind of issue we do get along, but somethimes she gets to my nerves, because she wants to be in charge of everything and say when, what, and how to do things, and her opinion is the only one that´s right and counts. i really get pissed when this happens because as Samantha said it is now about ME my HUSBAND and OUR family, i do value their opinions but it´s our bussiness and no one elses. so we should do what is best for USnot for THEM.